By PETER SINCLAIR
Are you being served? That's the burning question in cyberspace right now, and the answer is probably the same as last year: "If you're lucky."
There's a slight difference, however - in 1999, online shopping problems were triggered by a tumultuous demand, which often overwhelmed e-commerce systems. This year,
delays are mostly because troubled e-tailers have understocked in an effort to control costs.
Last year's biggest gift bottleneck was the Sega Dreamcast Console. This year it is Sony's Playstation 2, which has undersupplied the market to such an extent that some unscrupulous online entrepreneurs have decided it's easier just to pretend they've got some, so you will need to be more than usually eagle-eyed. The Canadian Mounties are investigating two US sites which have ripped off hundreds of surfers.
When I visited the official local source - www.nz.playstation.com - it appeared to be overloaded to the point of paralysis, so if the kids are already staring at you in threatening fashion ... well, good luck. You may just have to think of something else.
Why make this a ho-ho-hum kind of Christmas when the web can help you be the sort of Santa who makes your loved ones exclaim: "Ho, ho ... huh?"
Hanky-sets are definitely out - a Nori will free up your nasal membranes in a really attention-getting way - just fill this small, mutant teapot with salt water, tilt your head sideways and insert the spout into one nostril, with your mouth open. The water will flow through one nasal passage and come out the other! Do not perform this hygienic ritual at the Christmas dinner-table ($US49.50.)
The Sharper Image is famous for its collection of cutting-edge products: vibrating chairs, rotating tie-racks, talking crystal-balls and so on. Why not drift off to sleep in one of the 20 different "sound environments" from their Sound-Soother (includes "Foghorns" - $US129.95)?
Calendars are always a convenient gift for the Christmas-challenged, but ThinkGeek has broken the mould. Take the fun out of 2001 with the Demotivator, which includes anniversaries of hopeless incompetence, legendary miscalculation and stupefying hubris: "July 2nd, 1982: TWA pilot radios LAX to report passing a man in a lawn-chair tied to weather balloons at 16,000 feet".
But the ultimate in off-trail offerings is to be found at LifeStyle Fascination ("America's Most Innovative Products").
No manager should be without an Executive Sharp-Shooter ($US14.95) - how to be top gun even when you're not the boss. This desktop toy loads two-colour ammunition (100 balls each) so two people can waste time simultaneously.
"Protect yourself with law enforcement's favourite non-lethal weapon - knocks an assailant out cold, yet you can carry it legally!" At just $US149.95, the Pulse-Wave Myotron may be legal in downtown Atlanta, but I'm not so sure about downtown Auckland. Half as big and five times more powerful than a police stun-gun, it works by emitting pulse-waves that intercept brainwaves controlling aggression and voluntary muscles, so your assailant ends up flopping around on the pavement like a beached snapper.
The Kwick Pick - "for those times you just can't wait for a locksmith!" - sounds equally useful ($US27.95). This ingenious 3-in-1 device, inserted in almost any keyhole and jiggled gently up and down, will snap open car doors, filing cabinets, desk drawers, padlocks, etc, and "pay for itself the first time you use it." I can imagine.
Readers who jog probably don't like to talk about this, but Herb Menan of Los Angeles says it all: "Before I discovered this glorious product, I suffered from ... the embarrassment which comes with bloody nipples. Thanx, Nip Guards!" (Runner's Pack of 10 pairs, $US8.95 from www.nipguards.com).
My pick? For kids up to 50, the Polaroid I-Zone Digital and Instant Combo-Camera sounds about as much fun as there is for $US99.
Links:
Canadian Mounties
www.nz.playstation.com
Nori
Sharper Image
ThinkGeek
Lifestyle Fascination
Nip Guards
Polaroid I-Zone Digital and Instant Combo-Camera
Ideas for the Christmas-challenged
By PETER SINCLAIR
Are you being served? That's the burning question in cyberspace right now, and the answer is probably the same as last year: "If you're lucky."
There's a slight difference, however - in 1999, online shopping problems were triggered by a tumultuous demand, which often overwhelmed e-commerce systems. This year,
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