91-year-old mother caring for her carer daughter Clare Tupuola, who has terminal cancer

Clare Tupuola is a carer for her 91-year-old mum Maresa Tupuola – and her mum is equally her carer: because Clare Tupuola has terminal cancer.

It was the hardest thing in the world to tell her elderly mother the news, she said. “It’s hard to comprehend that I could go before her.”

The 58-year-old Aucklander said she knew something was wrong when she was sleeping after doing simple tasks around the house, like washing the dishes.

She has since been diagnosed with cancer in her ovaries, fallopian tubes and uterus. It has also spread to her liver.

Other than a slight pain in her left side shortly before being diagnosed, she did not get any symptoms, she said.

“I’d sleep for four or five hours during the day, then I’d get back up and go do something else, like the washing, and need to sleep again.

Clare Tupuola says the support of her family has helped her get through her cancer journey. Photo / Dean Purcell

“I had a blood test and the results showed that both my kidney and liver functions were under 30%. I got sent to A&E. It was a real shock.”

An appointment with an oncologist in December 2023 revealed exactly how sick she was.

“I was told it was incurable and that chemo was my only option due to the aggressiveness and spread of my cancer. It was devastating,” she said.

“I had all my sisters with me and a niece ... and we were all like: ‘Yeah! We’ve got this’! Then we came out of there going: ‘Okay, where’s the nearest pub’?”

Tupuola started her first round of chemotherapy in January last year and her latest round this March.

Clare Tupuola and her mother Maresa Tupuola. Photo / Dean Purcell

Telling her 91-year-old mother the news was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, she said.

Tupuola and a younger sister are the main carers for their elderly mum.

“My mother is very strong in her faith, so she said: ‘Leave it up to God. You’re in God’s hands’. She’s been a real strong support and always prays for me.”

When Tupuola started losing her hair, the family including siblings, nieces and nephews came together for a special hair-shaving ceremony.

“I said: ‘Right, champagne and pizza ... let’s shave my hair’.

“My mum was the last one. It was a really good way to grieve and [accept] what was happening.”

Other than a slight pain in her left side shortly before being diagnosed, she did not get any symptoms, she said.

Tupuola said one thing she has learned, and wanted to share with women, was to prioritise themselves.

“To be quite honest, I never made myself a priority. I always thought about everyone else ... but I’ve had to make myself a priority.”

Vaimoana Mase is the Pasifika editor for the Herald’s Talanoa section, sharing stories from the Pacific community. She won junior reporter of the year at the then Qantas Media Awards in 2010 and won the best opinion writing award at the 2023 Voyager Media Awards.