Keeping it together - monthly column from Taranaki Safe Families Trust

First of all, anger is not a cause of family violence, nor is it a justification of family violence. It does however play a part in the overall issue.

Anger is a natural, though sometimes undesirable or unreasonable emotion everybody experiences from time to time. It is a normal and typical reaction. It's part of what makes us human. Anger experts describe it as a primary, natural emotion which evolved over thousands of years as a way of protecting ourselves from what we consider wrong doing.

The causes of anger can vary from person to person. On a primeval level, anger can be used to protect territory, family members, possessions or a response to other perceived threats. In today's world, people get angry for all sorts of reasons; from reading a controversial social media post to being overtaken in your car on the open road, or by other causes of anger regarding relationship issues, unemployment and money issues.

Anger management is the term used to outline the skills and strategies needed when someone becomes angry, and to take appropriate action to deal with the situation in a positive way. It is concerned with recognising the triggers for anger as soon as possible and expressing these feelings and frustrations in a cool, calm and collected way. This does not mean suppressing or internalising the anger. Have a look at some of the strategies you could consider when you feel yourself getting angry. Or alternatively, you could share them with someone you know who struggles with anger at times.

Do regular exercise and keep fit. Exercise creates endorphins which make you feel good and less chance to feel anger.

Pick your battles. Avoid conversations that may make you angry when you are feeling tired, frustrated or stressed. Even if you think you know better. It's not worth it.

Express yourself. Wait until you have calmed down, and then express yourself in a calm, collected way. Be assertive without being aggressive.

Breathe slowly and relax. Breathing exercises can help you relax.

Don't hold grudges. Accept people are the way they are, and not how we would like them to be. You cannot change how people behave and think, but you can change your response to others in a positive way.

As Buddha observed "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".