The Herald takes a light-hearted look at the world of sports
Clarence Tillman III puts his full weight - and considerable man-boobs - into supporting the Breast-Is-Best Brigade, while Sonny Bill Williams lends his backing to All Blacks teammate Piri Weepu's bottle approach. Digitally altered image
Sir Bob wades in
Sir Bob Jones was unimpressed with SBW's fight against What'shisname Tillman: "This sort of farce degrades boxing."
So you watched the fight then, Sir Bob? "Why would I want to watch that rubbish?"
Well said that man.
Power Ranger beater
There was earlier cynicism about the list of roadkill that comprised SBW's boxing record (a nightclub bouncer, a digger driver and a gospel singing sickness beneficiary), but his victory over Tillman means SBW has achieved something rare in boxing: A TKO over a bloke who was once in Power Rangers.
Hell of a low point
Over in London, the Independent continues the wash-up from the Tindall Stag-Do, meticulously avoiding hyperbole.
"A World Cup campaign that plumbed such depths of humiliation that the poet Dante would have struggled to invent a circle of hell low enough to accommodate it."
Over in Argentina, Boca Juniors have expressed an interest in signing Manchester City's basketcase striker Carlos Tevez. As Willie Lose would note, if he impresses there, he might make it into the Boca Seniors side.
The Adriano solution I
In Brazil, Corinthians have found the perfect way to stop their pie-loving, beer-chugging, ex-international striker Adriano from chomping pies and guzzling beers. They've locked him in a hotel room.
Corinthians fitness trainer Fabio Mahseredjian said: "In the hotel we have more control over him - he knows we're trying to do the best for him. All of us are dedicated, but it depends on him. Weight loss comes only through diet: you cannot lose weight through physical activity alone."
Did they empty the mini-bar first?
The Adriano solution II
Still with Adriano, between mouthfuls of steak and cheese pie, the portly pointsman found time to explain away a mistaken shooting that happened in a sports car he was driving last year.
"I was in the front seat; the shooting was done in the back seat."
That's all right then.
Home time already?
Still in Brazil, 22 soccer coaches were sacked from top-flight clubs in January. It got so that the coaches themselves couldn't keep up. "It was weird," says Rio Verde's Betao Alcantara. "I put the radio on when I got in from training and it said I was sacked."
'No one speaks out'
In Colombia, the battle against homophobia in soccer goes on. FA vice-president Alvaro Gonzalez Alzate says allegations that a referee sexually assaulted another match official prove that a "gay contagion" is spreading. "To be a referee in Colombia you have to be gay," says Gonzalez Alzate, adding that a referee must perform sexual favours on other referees in order for his career to advance. "Sure, no one presents evidence or dares to speak out, but I believe it. I've been around long enough to know there is nothing more contagious, no worse disease - with due respect to those who suffer it - than homosexuality."
Christmas dinner around at the Sanchez-Vicario household must be an icy affair. Former women's tennis world No1 Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario, is claiming her parents fleeced her, revealing in her autobiography, Arantxa, Vamos! Memoirs of a Struggle, a Life and a Woman, how mama and papa controlled her life throughout her career.
"A simple estimate, based on everything I've earned - would reach about $71.5 million. My parents left me with nothing and now I am indebted to the [tax authorities] and I will not be quiet.
"My mother decided on my hair, my clothes - when I bought something on my own, she rarely liked it. Today, I am without resources," says the Spaniard, who won three French Open titles and one US Open.
"I never doubted my father would manage my assets in the most efficient and beneficial way," she wrote.
Keep calm, play through
The stiff upper lips at Richmond Golf Club in Surrey, England, never quivered during the Blitz.
With the Nazis banging on the door, the club committee made a few revisions to the rulebook to accommodate the unusual circumstances presented by the Battle of Britain. The revisions have recently come to light.
* Players are asked to collect bomb and shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.
* In competitions, during gunfire, or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.
* The positions of known delayed-action bombs are marked by red flags placed at reasonably, but not guaranteed safe distance therefrom.
* Shrapnel/and/or bomb splinters on the fairways, or in bunkers within a club's length of a ball, may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.
* A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced, or if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
* A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole without penalty.
* A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball from the same place. Penalty, one stroke.
Falling in line
Jamaican sprinter Jermaine Gonzales has a big challenge ahead of himself at the London Olympics. LaShawn Merritt is the 400m superstar while Usain Bolt is pretty handy in the 100m.
But when it comes to dominoes, Gonzales rates his chances.
"That's what we play in our down time when we're away at championships. I won't say I'm the best, but I know what I am doing, I'm not just matching the dominoes, you know? But Bolt just loves the game. He is always playing. So he's the man I need to beat there, for sure."
Irish ultra-distance runner Richard Donovan has revealed the secret to maintaining top physical condition: drink more grog.
"I was absolutely wrecked," said the Irishman of his final run in a very Irish attempt to run seven marathons on seven continents in less than five days. "I wasn't even able to keep down water. We came to desperate measures in Sydney and I chanced a beer. I had one bottle during the race for some carbs and one at the end of it."
By which measure, SuperShorts can be said to be in peak condition.