Supershorts: 25 March

New Zealand coach John Wright has been in the job for only a couple of months, but he reckons he's just about figured out the secret to getting the best out of the team's troubled batsman Jesse Ryder. Photo / Digitally altered image.

Wake-up call
There's hope for us yet. The Black Caps are up against it playing South Africa tonight, but their saving grace could be the idiocy of the bloke behind the Proteas' stumps.

Wicketkeeper Morne van Wyk has admitted that before the crunch pool game against India, he got his tablets muddled up and took a sleeping pill instead of a vitamin.

"It sounds as if Morne confused the sleeping pill with a vitamin pill," said Proteas spokeswoman Lerato Malekutu. "By the time he realised his mistake, the match had almost started and he was struggling to stay awake."

Van Wyk missed three catches: one of them off opening batsman Virender Sehwag when he was on four. Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar went on to pulverise the Proteas' bowling in an opening partnership of 142.

Van Wyk barely moved a muscle as an early chance from Sehwag went straight past him and he was yawning like a hungover undergraduate when he fumbled a clear stumping chance.

Unfortunate timing I
Tennessee State University went for decades without naming their sporting mascot, a cheerful tiger, so thought the occasion of the university's 100th anniversary was a fine time to give the fella a moniker. The students were polled and the result - which incorporates the institution's initials - was due to be released just days after the Japanese earthquake: take a bow TSUnami.

Back to the drawing board, teamsters.

"After over 10,000 people have been killed in Japan, and the numbers are still growing, and all the devastation going on there, I felt it was inappropriate to keep the name," said TSU president Portia Holmes-Shields.

Unfortunate timing II
When West Indies skipper Darren Sammy went in at No 3, elevating himself ahead of Ramnaresh Sarwan, in the pool game against England, pundits thought it a shrewd tactic to unsettle the bowling attack. The truth was more prosaic, with Sarwan in the little room tending to No 2.

Power test
Here at SuperShorts Towers, we've often wondered who is really the most powerful man in the country: the All Black captain or the Prime Minister. We're about to find out.

John Key says the All Blacks should wear a "Red Fern" as a tribute to Christchurch's earthquake victims: "It's not unusual for the All Blacks to slightly change their uniform to reflect a major event, and the country can see from the memorial service on Friday it's totally unified behind the people of Christchurch," he said.

"We want to show their support. We know that they're missing out on the World Cup which is something that they value dearly, and frankly I think the All Blacks thought it'd be a nice touch."

And here's the All Black captain: "I don't think that's a goer at all. The silver fern has a lot of history and Canterbury people don't expect things like that. There are other ways of showing they're all in our thoughts. I think you've got to be careful messing with tradition. Winning the tournament would be enough of a tribute to them, I'd suggest."

We vote for McCaw.

Welcome back, mosaic
It's a truth universally acknowledged that the highlight of the dreary Commonwealth Games was Sky's fantastic mosaic channel, which featured miniature screens of all the Games channels. Great news, telly fans, the mosaic is coming back for good, with Sky due to announce a mosaic channel featuring all the sports options.

Bowled over
Not that they're a bunch of oldies at death's door concerned only about eating sausage rolls and puffing on durries, but the programme for the National Interclub Bowls champs makes for informative reading. The "For Your Information" page features three things: directions to the nearest medical centre, an explanation on meal tickets and a guide to the smoking areas.

'Stressful'
Bad news for Christian Fabbiani. The Argentine striker's marriage has failed because of "trust issues" and he says he "will never wed again".

He should have seen it coming. Model Amalia Granta noted last year that sleeping with Fabbiani was a drag. "At times it was stressful. His wife was so insecure."

Bananas
After leaving Corinthians citing the abuse he received from the fans, Brazil's former World Cup star Roberto Carlos arrived at Russian champs Zenit St Petersburg hoping for a better relationship with his new club's supporters. He got a banana.

Arriving at the home ground for his first match, Carlos waved to the fans, one of whom presented him with a banana. The yellow fruit being mother nature's way of marking a soccer fan as a racist nut.

"That did not make me feel uncomfortable," Carlos said. "In my 37 years I have seen everything, I'm not going to be upset after seeing a banana."

In 2008, Zenit was fined $58,000 after its fans threw bananas and made monkey chants at three black Marseille players.

They said it

"I remembered reading somewhere that my grandmother was English and my wife said she thought she was too. It was mid-afternoon here in England so I rang up my mum in New Zealand, where it was four o'clock in the morning. I apologised for waking her up and asked if Nana was born in England. She said yes and that she had the birth certificate to prove it. I am not too sure exactly where she was born but I am going to get all of the details sent over and authorised."

Former Crusader Thomas Waldrom reckons it would be a great honour to play alongside such legends of English rugby as Shontayne Hape and Dylan Hartley.

"In theory I could play tomorrow if they wanted me. I would definitely take it if I got the nod for the World Cup. It would be a great honour to put the [England] shirt on. It would be a privilege to play against the All Blacks if the chance came along and would be a chance for me to show them just how good I am."

Waldrom, on the joys of playing for England, again.

"They've lost Jeremy Smith, Neville Costigan, Jarrod Saffy, now Michael Weyman [and] they've got a bloke in the pack now called David Gower ... wasn't he a cricketer?"

Aussie league great Mark Geyer reckons England's dashing left-hander does not have what it takes to see the Dragons home in the NRL.

"I've never seen such rubbish in my life. You get angry when people question you."

Manchester United's Wayne Rooney. Fair enough too - it has been a full five months since he wangled himself a pay rise bringing in $545,000 a week after threatening to jump ship to City.

"Red Bull are not a manufacturer, they are a drinks company. It's a drinks company."

Former F1 champion Lewis Hamilton on the team whose driver beat him to the title last year.

Good Week

Hernan Barcos' balls
"A lot of people have called me about this," says the Ecuadorian soccer player whose testicles were squeezed live on telly in a club match. "They ask straight out how my balls are. I'm never sure what to say." For the record: They're fine.

Bad Week

Barry Bonds
Baseball's great slugger admits using steroids, but gamely tells a jury he thought it was flax seed oil and arthritis cream. "I know that doesn't make a great story," says his lawyer Allen Ruby. "But that's what happened."

The Number

44
The number ditched by Indian opener Virender Sehwag. He now has no number on his back after taking advice from numerologists. It's working: Sehwag's in top form at the World Cup where he has 327 runs from five games at an average of 65.40.