Supershorts: 11 March

Highlanders' Gold Card-commuter and rent-a-boot first five-eighths Tony Brown admires his Zimmer frame-assisted clearance in Sunday's victory over the Bulls. Digitally altered image.

Three back; porn up front
Over in Italy's Serie A, Palermo coach Sersi Cosmi has a three-point plan for soccer success: 1) Play three men at the back; 2) Be fast on the break; 3) Show the players plenty of hardcore porn movies.

"I give them porn to watch on the team coach on the way to games. It's a good way of getting them ready for the match. It creates a great atmosphere and motivates the troops."

All for one? Not Sehwag
Sticking together is key in the pressure-cooker environment of the Cricket World Cup. Except if you're Virender Sehwag. "Everyone did well," says Sehwag, after another minnow-smashing effort from India. "Other than Sreesanth".

Glasgow nights
Up in Scotland, the Old Firm derby is getting a bit tasty. Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill offers a view that flies in the face of any night out in Glasgow: "Win, lose or draw, drunken aggressive behaviour has no place in Scotland."

SuperShorts' Scottish correspondent suggests MacAskill meant to say "space", not "place".

Racism I
Grim news for fans of winding up the Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys: It's officially racist to call a Frenchman "French". Everton fan David Sibson was booted out of Goodison Park and will appear in court after shouting at the team's French striker Louis Saha, calling him "a useless French lazy bastard". "I'm facing a criminal prosecution just for calling a Frenchman French. If that is racist then I suppose I'm guilty."

Racism II
Of course, the French themselves never display racist attitudes towards Les Rosbif, as demonstrated by rugby coach Marc Livremont before Le Crunch in the Six Nations. "We don't like them [the English], and it's better to say that than be hypocritical. We respect them - well in my case at least I respect them - but you couldn't say we have the slightest thing in common with them. We appreciate our Italian cousins, with whom we share the same quality of life, we appreciate the Celts and their conviviality ... among all these nations we have one huge thing in common: we don't like the English. "This insular country who always drape themselves in the national flag, their hymns, their chants, their traditions."

Ronaldo's nappy
When a great player retires, it's easy to get a bit misty-eyed about their glorious moments. But not if you're former Brazil coach Vanderlei Luxemburgo who couldn't let Ronaldo's departure from soccer pass without a poo-related anecdote.

"Ronaldo was overweight coming into the 1999 Copa America so we tried to help him lose a few kilos," says Luxemburgo. "The doctor prescribed him with something called Xenical which was effective but accelerated evacuations.

"Therefore, to avoid incidents he was forced to wear nappies. 'El Fenomeno' had complained a lot about having to play in these conditions but let me remind everyone that he scored goals like he always did and went on to be top scorer in the tournament which we won."

THEY SAID IT

"I have vanity, yes. I'm vain. But only within normal limits."

Bucktooth wonderboy Ronaldinho, after attending Carnival in Rio de Janeiro. As for vain: he's certainly no more vain than the next soccer superstar who launches a fashion range featuring prints of the Virgin Mary wearing his No 10 shirt.

"It's not as high-pitched as it used to be because I smoke now. I used to smoke to make my voice huskier. I hate my voice."

Baddest Pigeon-Fancier in the World Mike Tyson has some helpful advice for kids getting bullied about their high-pitched voices.

"I'm dumbfounded and speechless. A guy ran on to the pitch without any of the stewards getting near him and I thought I was doing them a favour."

Dorchester Town player-manager Ashley Vickers, after getting a red card for tackling a pitch invader dressed in a Borat mankini.


"The coverage made me suffer. I didn't want to hurt the bird, or shame my country. I thought kicking it would make it fly. I just want to feel happy again."

Owl-kicker Luis Moreno, of Colombia, on the reaction to him punting a bird.

"I can't sleep. People are calling him all sorts on Facebook."

Moreno's mother on her Strigiforme-booting boy.

"Which is better? We're very different. The Messi on the PlayStation does more incredible things."

Barcelona's pint-sized superstar Lionel Messi on being compared to his computer game alter-ego.

THE NUMBER

$5.7bn
Fifa's income from the four-yearly World Cup cycle - all of it tax-free under Swiss law. "I am the happiest man," says Sepp Blatter. "It's a huge, huge financial success."