Super shorts: Tech troubles

Liverpool's unthinking defence of Luis Suarez did the great club no favours. Photo / AP

Tech troubles I

Anyone who reckons sports journalism is one of the last bastions of sexism is probably one of them 'fimnists' we've heard about. Anyway, one (male) journo at the ASB Classic this week was left red-faced when he started typing "Julia Goerges" into Google in order to check on her recent form.

Trouble is, Google these days has a predictive function, meaning that when you start typing, it gets all smart-alecy and guesses the next words in your search. So our earnest hack looked away from his screen just as the words "julia goerges bra size" appeared on screen. Which, inevitably, was when a female journo walked behind him.

Well, that's his story and he's sticking to it.

Tech troubles II

And in answer to your next question: No, we didn't go online and check. Wash your mind out.

Off colour I
Liverpool's unthinking defence of Luis Suarez did the great club no favours. Of course, the whole issue was confusing to follow, the Uruguayan striker claiming that he wasn't racially abusing Manchester United's Patrice Evra. It was all a bit of friendly banter and a mix up, said the bloke who handballed Ghana out of the 2010 World Cup.

Thankfully, Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool's runabout midfielder, clarified matters when he changed his statement to the FA: "I am aware that LS will state in evidence that what he actually said in response to the remark from PE was (translated into English) "Why, black?" or "Why, negro?" and I am perfectly happy to accept that this is what he said. I may have misunderstood what he was saying or perhaps sought to interpret what he was saying as what I thought LS might have said when, in fact, it was not what he said."

Thanks, Dirk.

Off colour II
Suarez maintains he said nothing racist. According to the FA's report he said to Evra: "I don't speak to blacks."

Nothing racist there at all, Luis ...

Off colour III

Also not racist, by the Suarez Standard: "Okay, blackie, blackie, blackie".

And, when asked by Evra why he had kicked him: "Because you are black."

Sepp's got the answer

On which note, the Suarez-Evra affair is a timely reminder of the wise words of Sepp Blatter (runner-up in SuperShorts Man of the Year 2011): "On the field of play, I deny that there is racism. If you had a confrontation during the match, you shake hands, and when the game is over, it is over."

Sepp II

Another Blatter gem from the year just passed: "I would say they should refrain from any sexual activities," said soccer's head honcho when asked how gay visitors should behave at the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where homosexuality is illegal.

Sepp III

Sepp has some way to go to match his best toe-shooting lines: "Let's get women to play in different and more feminine garb than the men," the Swiss intoned back in 2004. "In tighter shorts for example."

And in 2010, after John Terry was caught out making the beast with two backs with his mate's missus: "If this had happened in let's say Latin countries then I think he would have been applauded."

Sir Ted

The Great Stephen Donald has long been considered lord of Franklin, but the recent arising of Sir Ted begs a question. Where did the 'Ted' bit come from.

Well, it seems that when Graham Henry was a young boy (Ed: What! Stop press! Graham Henry was once a young boy!) growing up in Christchurch, he had a great passion for cricket. So lil' Graham convinced the chief scorer at Lancaster Park to let him help run the old-fashioned scoreboard during domestic matches. The scorer's name: Ted. Henry quickly became known as Little Ted.Sir ShagWe can't bear to think why Steve Hansen is called Shag.Careless CareEngland's rugby players are jolly-well determined to put the disgraceful World Cup campaign behind them - and none more so than Danny Care. The halfback - who missed the Tindall Stag-Do on account of injury - features on the cover of the February edition of Rugby World magazine where he declares: 'I Care'. Beneath the words "Danny Care on fixing England", readers are directed to a story inside in which the halfback is named as one of five players who can jolly-well put the Red Rose Army ruddy-well back on track. Hurrah!

Er, good afterble, consternoon? What's that? You want me to breathe into this little tube? ...

Care failed a drink-driving test on New Year's Day - three weeks after receiving a warning following his arrest for drunk and disorderly behaviour.

Careless whisper

Coach Stuart Lancaster isn't standing for it - and he knows the players are right behind him. And those who aren't right behind him, will be out of the bar any minute now. He's kicked Care out of the Six Nations squad.

"I think there is a perception out there and I know the players well enough to know they won't enjoy that perception," Lancaster said. "They want to help redress it."

"Redress it" by, er, driving around smashed on New Year's Day? ...

SuperDan

It's true: Daniel Vettori really does do everything. Here's how www.blackcaps.co.nz recorded the dismissal of Ross Taylor in yesterday's ND v CD scorecard:
LRPL Taylor st DL Vettori b DL Vettori 2