Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of the Aaron Smith Crisis

Aaron Smith's antics wouldn't have impressed Hillary Clinton. Picture / Brett Phibbs

JOHN KEY
At the end of the day I think we have to be honest with ourselves and wonder whether this indiscretion is something that should be dealt with at the very top levels of the political process in New Zealand, and quite clearly the answer to that is yes.

I'm fairly incapable of saying anything with any real feeling or conviction about issues such as the United Nations report on poverty on New Zealand, and don't talk to me about Pike River. Pike River isn't on my agenda.

But as Prime Minister of New Zealand, I'm at my best when something comes along like what's happened in a disability toilet at Christchurch airport.

And what I'd like to say about it is that Aaron has clearly let himself down a bit, and those close to him as well, and the whole country too.

And what about the children? Will anyone think of the children?

So it might be a while before we can all recover from this and I'd be glad to pop over to people's houses and have a quiet chat with them about it at the end of the day, or the morning if they prefer.

That offer of help also extends to Aaron. He will be hurting. He will be gutted. I suspect he'll be sitting back reflecting on the fact that he's let New Zealand down very, very badly on the world stage for generations to come.

I'm not going to put my hand on his shoulder because frankly I don't know where that shoulder's been.

But I'm happy to have a quiet word with him. I've sharpened up my counselling skills over the years and I think I've got a pretty good handle on mental illness.

These are dark days for New Zealand and we just have to be strong and get through this together. I was talking to Barack about it the other day and he had a refreshing perspective on it. He said, "Aaron who?"

HILARY CLINTON
Aaron Smith is a young man whose behaviour has been revealed to me by Barack Obama, who is a very close friend, as is his wife Michelle.

It's not behaviour I would condone as President of the United States. But it's the exactly the kind of behaviour which my opponent thinks is acceptable.

Let me make it clear. Sexual activity is not acceptable.

I know my husband agrees with me on this.

DONALD TRUMP
There is no one who respects women more than Aaron Smith.

He's a fine young man who has made sacrifices to get where he is today, wherever that is.

I don't pretend to be an expert on New Zealand or any country other than this great country of ours. By the way, it isn't that great right now.

But I want to make it great again.

I know where Aaron Smith is coming from. I understand high-performance athletes. That's why I prowled around the stage during the debate on Monday for the whole 90 minutes.

I just can't. I just can't. I just can't control my feet. Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the moonlight. Blame it on the boogie if you must, but I'm not here to play the blame game.

Sometimes things happen which are out of our control. Locker room talk is the result of the locker room and its unique place in the male psyche.

The same goes for disability toilets. Few of us can look at a disability toilet without having carnal thoughts.

That's why if I'm lucky enough to be elected President of the United States, my first action is to ban disability toilets.

STEVE TEW
The thing everybody should take a minute to sit down and consider is that the world is full of Scarlette women.