KEY POINTS:
Trevor Mallard is confident that flashing his pasty white "massive" thighs in public while supporting Team New Zealand won't distract them from taking home the America's Cup.
"I wear a pair of team shorts, and my massive thighs are available for all to see," the Sport and Recreation
Minister says of his attire for shouting support from a spectator boat.
"I'm absolutely certain there'd be no focus on my thighs on the part of the team. A deal I had with them early on was that I don't interfere with their work."
Mr Mallard left for Valencia on Thursday for his second trip to the cup. Last time he was there for the Louis Vuitton Cup victory celebrations, and this time he is hoping for similar celebrations.
But he's under no illusions that his presence makes the yacht go faster.
"I'm there to support the team ... of course I know that being there doesn't make any difference to how they race."
Mr Mallard admits he's not a sailor, though he goes sailing a few times a year. He passes the Herald's basic yachting quiz - he knows port from starboard, bow from stern - but knows little else.
"I know what a grinder is," he objects. "It's generally a really big guy who winds the grinding handles."
This may have lead him to notice team grinder Rob Waddell.
"He's a big guy. I first met him when he was a rower, and now he's in quite a different shape. I think Rob Waddell has an awesome upper body shape."
His most memorable Team New Zealand experience was being hoisted up a mast a few years ago.
He wasn't petrified, he insists.
"[But] I held on very tight with my thighs, which is what they told me to do ... Even with my weight, I'm unlikely to tip the yacht over. The yacht is always on an angle looks very small from 100 feet up.
"I still don't have a good level of understanding of [yachting]; I can't understand how a yacht can go faster than the wind that's pushing it. Accounting and economics I can deal with, but physics, no."
His Spanish is equally rusty.
"I can follow a really simple conversation, and if I really have to push it I can get myself back home in a taxi."
Can he order a beer? "By pointing."
This trip could see him there for at least one week, maybe two, and Mr Mallard freely admits to enjoying himself in Valencia.
But it's not all fun and games. As a Government official, he participates in formalities involving Trade and Enterprise, the Government's Economic Development Agency which has a base in Valencia.
Last trip he took part in three seminars and hosted several groups from Europe.
"They roll me out to make speeches and to shake hands. If you're working with someone trying to get a contract and having a minister present can have a difference, then that's good."
A Trade and Enterprise apartment also takes care of his accommodation, saving the taxpayer a few bills.
Mr Mallard claims the whole trip is inexpensive, though he conveniently can't remember exact figures (allow for two business class flights, one hotel room, and other allowances such as meals).
This trip he's hoping to have the chance to be the 18th man on the boat, an honour he was due to have for race six of the Louis Vuitton finals, which never transpired.
Not that he wished it had. "I prefer winning five-zip. I wasn't rooting for Luna Rossa."
A decent tenure as minister has allowed him to build a rapport with many of the guys on the team.
"I had champagne tipped on me when we won Louis Vuitton. It's not something I recommend, but if it's a side-effect of winning, it's most welcome.