Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of The Chiefs

Chiefs CEO Andrew Flexman. Photo / Stephen Barker

MONDAY

Chiefs CEO Andrew Flexman: The boys are hurting over their loss to the Hurricanes. But that's rugby. At the end of the day we just have to take it on the chin and move on. They're a quality bunch of fine young men and I know they'll put all their energies into facing the next challenge. The Chiefs are about mana. They're about dignity. And that's why the Chiefs are about to hold a Mad Monday piss-up at the Okoroire hot pools with a stripper providing the entertainment. It's all on!

Waikato man Brendan Barraclough: I was at the Okoroire hot pools with a couple of friends. The guys from the Chiefs were there, and one of them yelled at us, "Here come the gays, here come the gays!" That's just not on.

TUESDAY

Chiefs lock Michael Allardice: Yesterday while enjoying a post-season team bonding exercise combined with a tutorial on political science and literary theory at the Okoroire hot pools with other fine young men from the Chiefs, I said something in jest directed at a team-mate but in the general confusion of things, it was mistakenly assumed I was referring to some gays. I was not aware they were there, because I only had eyes for the other fine young men from the Chiefs. I am deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the hurt I've caused the wider LGBT community. Previously I had thought that LGBT was the filling in a sandwich - lettuce, gherkin, bacon and tomato - but Chiefs management have enlightened me. I am grateful for the education, and I will conclude this statement written for me by the Chiefs' crisis control team by stating my behaviour was just not on.

Margaret Comer, corporate services executive of Chiefs sponsor Gallagher Group: Everybody at some stage in their life makes a stupid mistake. The player involved needs a crash course in how to behave as a Chief in the community, and about saying those sorts of things. That's blimmin' 1950s stuff, and it's just not on.

WEDNESDAY

"Scarlette", a stripper who performed for the Chiefs at the Okoroire hot pools: The players groped me. I made it very clear that I didn't want to be touched, but they proceeded to lick me in places that I don't totally agree with. It's just not on.

Andrew Flexman: It's just not on for a stripper to talk like that.

THURSDAY

Andrew Flexman: I want to make it quite clear that it's just not on for people to interpret my comments yesterday as being consistent with who I am and my values. It's important to realise that this issue is not about the stripper. It's about me, and saving my skin. I was quoted saying that "One person's accusation and her standing in the community is not beyond reproach". It was a high-pressure environment when I made the comment, and the context around making the comment is somewhat relevant. It certainly gives the impression that there are questions around her integrity given her vocation. I am glad to have cleared up this matter.

Margaret Comer: If a woman takes her clothes off and walks around in a group of men, what are we supposed to do if one of them tries to touch her? It's not nice and perhaps the stripper shouldn't have been hired, but I'm reluctant to say that the boys were out of line. Their behaviour was blimmin' 1950s stuff, but for some reason I don't want to say it's not not on.

FRIDAY

Margaret Comer: I've had a think about it. It's just not on.

Andrew Flexman: I want to make it clear that the way our fine young men and their CEO have been behaving is perhaps maybe kind of just not on, and we will be holding an in-depth investigation into these matters on Monday at the Okoroire hot pools.