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KEY POINTS:
Each week, the Herald on Sunday put together the Super 14 power rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the strengths of each franchise based purely on guesswork and supposition. If we were actually any good at predictions, we would be lying on a beach in the Caribbean.
1. Sharks (no change)
The best way to overcome Sharks, apparently, is to punch them on the nose. Look out for a few bent snouts in Durban this season because teams will struggle to beat them legitimately.
2. Crusaders (up 1)
Rankings has a cunning plan. T. Blackadder should borrow some gems from E. Blackadder. Look out for him saying after a defeat: "I think I'll write my tombstone - Here lies [Todd] Blackadder and he's bloody annoyed."
3. Hurricanes (down 1)
Conrad Smith missed last night's opener against the Waratahs with an osteitis pubis injury. Rankings has no idea what that is but hopes it's not contagious.
4. Stormers (no change)
Eddie Jones recently commented after watching the South Africans that: "The Stormers cannot scrummage. What is happening to the world of rugby?" What is happening is that the Super 14 has already started and our tomatoes haven't yet ripened.
5. Blues (no change)
Joe Rokocoko and Jerome Kaino are expected to miss games with the impending birth of their first children. The pair must have forgotten to read their family planning booklet, because they had three months off over summer.
6. Waratahs (up 2)
Last year, mascot Tah Man arrived on the scene to save the Waratahs. This year he's become an environmental crusader. It's hoped he's more successful with saving the world.
7. Bulls (down 1)
"We can only live for today and dream about the future so that is the only thing that counts. What's in the past is in the past." Hopefully the players can make more sense out of coach Frans Ludeke than we can.
8. Chiefs (down 1)
When asked what it will take to claim the 2009 Super 14 title, second five-eighths Callum Bruce replied: "Winning games." It's that sort of genius that will see the Chiefs prosper this season.
9. Reds (no change)
Wallabies coach Robbie Deans says the Reds remind him of the 1997 Crusaders. Not much of an endorsement, then - the Crusaders were sixth in '97.
10. Brumbies (no change)
It's nice to know that in these troubled times, the boys from ACT will always have A. Friend to turn to. They might even hope the new coach turns out to be the best Friend. Stay tuned for more Friend-ly banter. Sorry, couldn't resist.
11. Highlanders (up 1)
Seems Dunedinites have taken the stadium debate to a new level. One city councillor who voted it received a photo of a high-powered rifle, while another was sent a pornographic mag. Hopefully, they will keep on target and rise above it.
12. Force (down 1)
"I think John felt he was putting himself on an island and carrying a lot of the responsibility on his own," said WA chairman Geoff Stooke after the review of coach John Mitchell. Many players would hope he stays on that island.
13. Lions (up 1)
The Lions are into year three of a three-year plan. If the aim was to finish near the bottom of the table, then they will be well satisfied with themselves.
14. Cheetahs (down 1)
Rankings went on the Cheetahs website for the latest news but found it all in Afrikaans. We did discover this message, however: "Vodacom Cheetahs wil die..." We've heard of reverse psychology but this is downright disturbing.
