Rugby: Super 14 Power Rankings

Each week, the Herald on Sunday puts together the Super 14 Power Rankings, a sophisticated and scientific measurement of the relative strengths of each franchise based mostly on guesswork and supposition.

1. Sharks (no change)

"John Smit will make his first start at tighthead prop since wearing the No 3 jersey for the Springboks against Wales last November," breathlessly exclaims The Times of South Africa. Er, that's not actually that long ago.

2. Bulls (up 2)

Stop deriding the Bulls as dour Afrikaners whose idea of radicalism is to throw kuduwors, rather than boerewors, on the braai. Look, they're averaging 30.5 points a game after four rounds. The next-best Canes averaged 25.75.

3. Hurricanes (no change)

Is it just Rankings or does anybody else think the Waldrom brothers look like they've been slightly over-inflated with a bicycle pump before they're sent out on to the field? Is it so they can't stand accused of looking flat?

4. Waratahs (down 2)

Little-known fact: Tuqiri's first name Lote is not pronounced Lot-tee but Lor-tay. Another little-known fact: "Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all its letters in alphabetical order.

5. Blues (no change)

"At halftime, they were speaking positively about the mistakes we were making," said Pat Lam. Sounds strange. "Nice fumble on that switch move, Isaia." "Yeah, thanks Ali, I was impressed also with your botched lineout call."

6. Brumbies (no change)

The Australian says Stirling Mortlock was "letting loose his famous chimpanzee calls and literally monkeying around". 1. A chimp is an ape, not a monkey. 2. How do you "literally" monkey around without actually being a monkey?

7. Chiefs (up 2)

Down to Invers, where The World's Fastest Indian was built. This match could have been painted as the unpopular sequel (read Godfather III, Return of the Jedi) because when Lauaki came on, we saw The World's Slowest Chief.

8. Stormers (no change)

"I would consider that question if it came from a person who was knowledgeable about rugby," said Rassie Erasmus last week. If he thinks former players have a mortgage on knowledge, then he's never listened to a Sky commentary.

9. Crusaders (down 2)

In Crusader-land, you don't get dropped, you just get shifted to the left wing. Craig Green's moustache must be twitching in horror with the thought of Colin Slade taking residence on the extremities of his beloved Lancaster Park.

10. Highlanders (up 2)

Richard Reid last week offered a rallying cry of sorts, saying if Dunedinites failed to turn up for games, they would lose their franchise. To which rugby purists in that fine city should have been saying, "thank goodness".

11. Force (no change)

"It's irrelevant what sort of trot any team is on," John Mitchell said. "This game will be high drama and intensity." Good, stirring, pre-match stuff from Johnny Mitchell. Drama and intensity, yes. The missing word? Quality.

12. Lions (down 2)

Normally a round-concluding match-up between the Stormers and Lions would have all the appeal of a rest-home tea party but the fact both teams' season is effectively over should they lose adds a certain frisson.

13. Reds (no change)

Things are getting desperate when, in the search for positives, AAP writes sentences like this: "The 1-3 win-loss record doesn't show the improvements the Reds have made...their for-and-against of minus-one is sixth-best in Super 14."

14. Cheetahs (no change)

The Cheetahs have been staying at Auckland's Crowne Plaza, as have the Indian cricket team. So you can take heart from the fact there's at least one South African in that hotel - India coach Gary Kirsten - who knows what its like to win.