Greg Dixon's weekend

AS ALWAYS, IT'S VEITCHY'S SHOUT

TVNZ says it suspended the ear-splitting sportscaster Tony Veitch for appearing in paid commercials for the Interdominion harness racing series at Alexander Park, a breach of editorial policy on endorsements. But we all know it was the only way to shut him up.

WE ARE NOT AMUSED

Well of course there was going to be a good explanation for the Queen not going to Boring Prince Charlie's nuptials. How dare you doubt it. According to the Daily Telegraph, an aide said the Queen did not always attend family weddings, citing the example of "the marriage of the Duke of Gloucester's elder daughter, Lady Davina Windsor, to a Maori builder". So let's work this out. The class system in the new Britain now runs: the royal family, inbred Champagne Charlies, money-grubbing merchant types, working-class scum, Maori builders and Camilla Parker Bowles.

POINT OF WHINGE, MR SPEAKER

Questions we hope to hear Act's nit-picking, scam-busting Rodney Hide ask in Parliament: So who did pay for all those jolly pre-election pamphlets bagging Auckland Mayor Dick Hubbard? And if it wasn't the late Auckland Mayor Banksie who coughed up for the tireless toil of his campaign manager Brian Nicolle - now Act's election mastermind - who did? And when will we see actual transparency in election spending?

FRONT ROWERS TO FRONT OF CLASS

Far be it for me to propagate stereotypes. But we all know most rugby players are a bit dim. So how terribly brave of the Canterbury Crusaders to sponsor a Christchurch reading programme for kids. And how positively heroic to take on a kids' question and answer session in front of TVNZ cameras to launch this reading project. It was, however, the irony which was thick when one little girl asked, "What genres [of books] do you like?" to utter silence from the assembled players. Fortunately prop Dave Hewett has seen the inside of a university. "You caught most of the guys out with that word," he said to the four-foot Smart Alec. "I know what it is, don't worry about that. Front rowers are pretty intelligent."

LION TAMERS ONLY, PLEASE

How tough do you have to be to work for Associate Education Minister David Benson-Pope? Well, think meat-eating and macho. An ad issued by the Parliamentary Service this week for a secretary's position in his office says it is "not a job for the faint hearted". A gift for handling scholarship cock-ups is preferred but not essential.