Rugby World Cup: Exclusive interview - The Webb Ellis Cup reveals what really happened in 1995

Kris Shannon talks to the Webb Ellis Cup while it waits to learn where it will call home for the next four years.

Kris Shannon talks to the Webb Ellis Cup while it waits to learn where it will call home for the next four years.

Shannon: Mr Cup, it’s a privilege. Thanks for making time.

Webb Ellis Cup: A pleasure. And please, call me Bill.

You seem much target="_blank">friendlier than other rugby trophies, and much less broken. The Springboks took care of you?

The Boks have been lovely hosts. But not as nice as New Zealand rugby teams, eh? (Bill tries and lacking elbows fails to nudge the reporter.)

Indeed. Just now, when you did… whatever that was, I couldn’t help but notice those little heads on your handles. Talk about them.

I’m so glad you asked. They’re both figures from Greek mythology. One’s a nymph and the other a satyr.

I’ve, uh, heard of nymph. What’s a satyr?

You’re a journalist so you’ll appreciate the Wikipedia definition. A satyr is a “male nature spirit with ears and a tail resembling those of a horse, as well as a permanent, exaggerated erection”.

That’s… I’ll write that down. Turning to Sunday’s game, you’re quite familiar with — sorry, back to the erection thing a sec. Why that specific definition?

I just think it’s interesting.

Interesting how?

You don’t find it interesting that my maker forged on me a satyr’s head but not a permanent, exaggerated erection?

I’m gonna change the subject. Let’s talk skincare routines. All that gold is glittering, so what’s your secret?

Well, I have two. The first is that I’m not gold; I’m gilded silver. Isn’t that fascinating?

Fascinating. What’s the second?

I know what happened in ‘95.

We all do? The last time the Boks and All Blacks played off in your honour, the hosts winning a maiden title in front of Nelson Mandela, extra time and—

No, before that. Suzie. I saw everything.

How’d you see anything with no eyes?

Oh, I have eyes. I may have been deprived other endowments owed me, but I was granted the gift of sight. Just no one asked what I saw.

Probably ‘cause of the lack of eyes. But, Bill, this is extremely important. What did you see?

What’s in it for me?

What’s in it for you? There could be a Voyager riding on this. What do you want?

I’m just wondering whether it may be possible to make certain additions to my body.

Additions?

Y’know… an exaggerated addition?

Bill. No. Bad Bill. This is serious. We’ve waited 28 years to find out whether our boys were poisoned on the eve of the World Cup final. Tell me what you know.

Poisoned? No. Here’s some poison: a rebel New Zealand team — including 28 of 30 All Blacks selected for a recently cancelled trip — touring apartheid-era South Africa a decade earlier.

Bit of a digression, but noted. Then what happened to Jeff Wilson and the rest?

From what I saw, with my eyes, no All Black’s health was at risk during the infamous meal two nights before the match, except maybe the handful who skipped out to Pizza Hutt.

Something made them sick. Who was Suzie?

“Suzi” is “fate” in Zulu. (Eds note: it isn’t.) Suzi is getting what’s coming to you. Suzi is the Rainbow Nation celebrating with a hero who’d been locked away when an All Blacks team in all but name travelled all over the country nine years before.

You saw this with your eyes?

This article is satire; the Webb Ellis Cup cannot talk because it is an inanimate object.

Kris Shannon has been a sports journalist since 2011 and covers a variety of codes for the Herald. Reporting on Grant Elliott’s six at Eden Park in 2015 was a career highlight.