Chris Rattue: England going on to win the World Cup? Oh, perish the thought

The email was from an English friend who, despite having lived here for 15 years, doesn't need to scour the IRB rulebook to work out who he supports when it comes to international rugby (although he's become a fierce Auckland/Blues convert).

It arrived shortly after England stomped all over Ireland to win the Six Nations, undefeated.

Q: What's the diff betwix the Auckland Blues and the mighty Engerland?

A: Nowt. They both crush all before them! Whoooooops, and didn't we win a certain sevens tourney to boot, again. Shucks!

The great Red Rose machine, something akin to a team of wildebeest thundering across the veldt.

All together now, once again, Swing low Sweeeeeeeet Chaaaaaaaaariot!

Apart from the obvious question it raises about whether we have a common language, it shows what we're in for if "the mighty Engerland" win the World Cup.

On receiving the above message, this desk immediately emailed the great superpower in the sky:

Dear sir/madam

Surely there is enough misery in the world right now. Please, show mercy, and don't add any more.

I know the gin and cucumber sandwiches would get an absolute hammering and the Barmy Army could sing in victory for once if the English won the Webb Ellis.

But think about the rest of humanity. We've got to put up with the buggers - and there's whole suburbs of them living over here.

They're bad enough when they lose, you can't let them win something we're supposed to be good at.

(Although if it comes down to the Poms or Australians, let the Poms win. You cannot let O'Neill nick the World Cup and win it.)

* Chuckle of the week ... Columnist Chris Laidlaw describing New Zealand rugby as having "its hand poised above the Fiji cookie jar" and claiming the NZRFU was trying to "disguise more Fijians as New Zealanders for rugby advantage."

Laidlaw went on: "As things stand, Fiji, Tonga and Samoa are all hanging from the cliff-face, exploited wilfully or unintentionally by almost everyone in the rugby world."

He might have a point, but fair cop. Isn't this the same Chris Laidlaw who is on the Hurricanes board?

The Hurricanes/Wellington and other Super 12 franchise bases, with the national union standing behind them, have done far more raiding and pillaging than the All Blacks could manage in 100 years.

Their favourite game is disguising Super 12 recruits in their base province's jerseys.

A case in point: Tony Coughlan, the former North Harbour prop. It was made pretty clear to Coughlan two years ago that if he wanted to be a Hurricane, he also had to be a Lion.

Coughlan has been trundling around in the Hurricanes development team and will turn out for Wellington again.

He would still be a great asset for North Harbour, particularly if Tony Woodcock is at the World Cup.

Now we all know about the alleged rules, but do Super 12 franchises use their power to get players to swap NPC teams? Do bears do doodoos in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Does Saddam like getting his portrait painted?

As one CEO said to me: "I thought the idea of the Super 12 was to improve the All Blacks, not five NPC teams."

Those with the power in rugby have turned the country into one giant cookie jar.

* Everyone will wish Jonah Lomu the best for recovery from his latest illness.

Who knows what lies ahead for Lomu, but it's hard to escape the thought that we have already seen the best of him.

His great rugby deeds have been sporadic. For reasons beyond his control sometimes, Lomu's career is dotted with absences and failures.

But at his best he was like no other rugby player and he has given us unforgettable images.

We will not see a phenomenon quite like Jonah again.

* And finally ... Chris Latham. Now picking player of the day awards can be a touch tricky. There were times when, during years of covering club rugby league, the flimsy Carlaw Park stand would shake with laughter or contempt at some of the choices the press (both of us) would come up with.

If a bloke scored three tries, kicked six goals, and topped the tackle count, we would normally spot it. Otherwise, you could say there was often some disparity of thought between the masses and the media.

But no one was within cooee of Latham as player of the day as he inspired the Reds to victory over the Waratahs.

His puffed-up face made him look more like a boxer than some other people who were supposed to be boxing that weekend. Yet Latham repeatedly launched himself into the battle from fullback, and with no mean skill.

Latham seems to play like this every week, but was particularly inspiring in Sydney. He has since been quoted as saying a "hatred" of New South Wales was the key to the Reds maintaining their remarkable unbeaten record against the Waratahs in the Super 12.

Maybe hate is not quite the right word, not when we can see what real hatred is doing in foreign lands. But we know what Latham means.

Hopefully, traditional rugby battles still have their place.

The shame of professional rugby is that there are so many more tests and games in general, so much spin, plus a muddying of boundaries and loyalties through amalgamation (Super 12 franchises) and selection pools, that the heat of old-fashioned rivalry has been turned down.