Chris Rattue: All this fuss about Maltida going waltzing . . .

COMMENT

It's great news, finding out that Australians have suddenly become culturally sensitive.

Okay, they've become culturally sensitive about themselves. But that's a start. Who knows - next thing they'll start looking after refugees instead of chucking them behind barbed wire and sticking them in leg irons. The world really is looking up.

I'm referring to the great Waltzing Matilda debate, of course, where the mean old IRB is refusing to set aside special time before the kickoff at Australia's World Cup games so the crowd can sing their favourite song.

The real question here is not whether Australians can sing the culturally significant Waltzing Matilda, but whether Australians can sing at all.

Now if the French or Welsh had applied to the IRB to sing one of their funny little peasant numbers, I'd be all for it.

They've got decent form, seem to be able to hold a note, and regard mass singing as a unifying experience rather than a world record attempt by 47,324 soloists.

The Aussies are like us. Singing is just a quiet form of yelling, a way of warming the vocal chords before screaming things like "They're offside again ref."

The reason the world encourages the haka before games is they know that watching our blokes screaming, poking their tongues out and making menacing gestures is preferable to having our crowds put out a B-side after we've scratched our way through the national anthem. The haka is a blocking move in the name of good musical taste.

Because if you think the haka is scary, you should pop down to a local test match near you and listen to us belting out, or maybe that should be beating up, the national anthem. Who needs a war dance when a couple of "Guard Pacific's Triple stars" will get the enemy flinging their weapons away and hurtling out of the trenches.

You've got to have some sympathy for the IRB. If they let Waltzing Matilda slip through, who knows what they'll be faced with as national teams try to get in the right frame of mind by having some cuddly little cultural experience to fall back on just before kickoff.

Rumours already abound that:

* England have applied for the right to eat a chicken tikka masala, and tell jokes about the French. The Indian takeaway will require about a minute, but the French joke section would take at least an hour. The IRB is expected to turn this down on the grounds that all the curry containers chucked on the field will block out the advertisements.

* The French have requested that they be allowed to pretend they don't understand the pre-match instructions spoken in English, and thus turn up late for kickoff.

* The Georgians are seeking permission to perform their mountain dance, the Khevsuruli, where fighting breaks out between groups of men.

* The Irish have asked if they can borrow the Georgian mountain dance and adapt it as a pub scene.

The IRB is now faced with a huge dilemma. Should they retain the World Cup as a sort of rugby concept, or should they turn it into the World Cup and Cultural Experience, to make sure that our gracious hosts don't feel hurt because there is no designated Waltzing Matilda singing time.

In Australia's time of need, we should support their bid for a cultural voice. After all, haven't we been loyal brothers in arms through this whole World Cup deal?

But if the IRB continues to turn a deaf ear, there's a silver lining for Australia in an absolutely horrible cloud hanging over their tournament. It's called protest action.

The players could quietly hum Waltzing Matilda to themselves during the warm-ups, and the crowds can just sing it anyway.

It would be just like the old days for Australians, a load of naughty characters giving the stuffy old boss a one-fingered salute - and without having to endure one of those horrible six-month trips in the hold of a boat beforehand. All they have to do is hop on a bus, then sing Waltzing Matilda. Magic.

The Aussies will enjoy their sing-along even more this way, cocking a snook at authority. Begging the bosses for organised mass singing sessions is very un-Australian anyway. What's got into them lately. Free spirit and defiance - isn't that what Waltzing Matilda is all about?