Easy for you to say, pal: you've got the Captain Oates option for dealing with another dose of World Cup disappointment.
Frankly speaking
All Black prop Ben Franks has his heart in the right place - and he's willing to put his face in the right place, too. Namely, in front of an opposition fist.
The carb-chomping, power-lifting frontrower has patriotically volunteered to give up his renowned good looks if it means having an opponent red-carded out of play.
"The game's so fast now," he intoned to the assembled press pack yesterday. "If you want to flip the coin and miss weeks in the World Cup [on suspensions] - you know, I'd happily take a punch in the face if a guy was to miss a month, it doesn't bother me."
Email of the week
Received yesterday at 16:59: "The Tonga press conference set for 16:00 on Monday 5 September has been rescheduled for 17:00 due to heavy traffic around Auckland Airport."
Choke watch I
Our Choke-o-Meter (trademark pending) has been acknowledged by the All Black camp.
Centre Conrad Smith was asked by rugby hacks for his thoughts on the scientifically devised measure of All Black choke-ability.
"The best way to deal with it is front on and maybe we didn't do that in the past - we sort of swept it under the carpet and said 'it's not going to affect us', but it's something we have to deal with, it's part of our history."
Choke watch II
Conrad continues: "We haven't won many of these tournaments, in case you hadn't noticed."
Cue: Nervous laughter from assembled journos.
Bad apple
New Zealand already has a bit of a sour reputation with some British journos (kia ora Stephen Jones!), but the treatment thrown the way of a Daily Telegraph writer could lead to a new cold war of print.
The hapless hack was given an apple on board an Air New Zealand flight, tossed it in his bag to munch later, then - before you could say "anything to declare" - landed with a $400 fine upon arrival. Welcome!
Rice whine
The Japanese team brought with them a couple of thousand kilos of extra luggage in the shape of training equipment. But their biggest concern? Rice.
The Japanese rugby union sent out a culinary-minded official months before the World Cup to ensure that their accommodation on Auckland's North Shore had the correct rice on hand. It took three attempts before they were happy with the right one.
French beans
The French squad - much to the amusement of anyone who has ever been served a sloppy cup of the overly milked, muddy java that passes for coffee in Paris - brought out their own coffee.
Medal as anything
Cory Jane was asked by a Pommy journo if he felt he'd finish the World Cup with a winner's medal around his neck.
The All Blacks' resident tweethead wasn't bothered. "I've got one from the Commonwealth Games in 2006."
As the great man himself would say: "LOL peepz!"
Passing out
At the launch of his new PlayStation game All Blacks Rugby Challenge, Jonah Lomu was testing his gaming skills against the media last week. After selecting a team with himself on the wing, all eyes were on whether he would spread it out wide and let his virtual self run rampant.
It didn't take long before the little big man got his hands on the ball, breaking two tackles to create a clear run to the line.
However a press of the wrong button saw virtual Lomu do something you'd never see in real life - the number 11 passing to his left and into touch.
Classic De Villiers #2
The world's greatest rugby genius has yet to let rip, so once again we're digging into CupShorts' bounteous back catalogue of Peter de Villiers wit and witticisms: "I will not change my style. If I change my style I will change Peter de Villiers and then I would have to tell God that he made a mistake when he made me."
