One player suspended, one flying home injured, one with his name splashed across every celebrity-news website in the world ... when the England manager Martin Johnson brought his squad to Queenstown for a short spell of fun-filled relaxation, he could not have expected that life would become such an unutterable pain in the rear end. Neither could he have imagined that in a town renowned as the home of "extreme sports", his charges would spend their time associating with anything quite so extreme - or quite so tacky - as "dwarf throwing". Or maybe it was "dwarf racing". Either way, it makes you wonder.
The last time England were in New Zealand for longer than a few days - in 2008, when they played and lost a two-Test series against the All Blacks - they spent the second half of their trip refusing to help Auckland police after allegations that four players had been involved in serious sexual misconduct. No formal complaint was made, no charges laid. But to say the tourists left the country in bad odour would be an understatement.
Yesterday, the Rugby Football Union found itself on the back foot again when it was forced to react to reports that several players, including temporary captain Mike Tindall, had celebrated their victory over Argentina with boisterousness more in keeping with amateur club players than with highly-paid professionals in pursuit of the sport's grandest prize. Some were pictured at a bar with the aforementioned dwarves, whose presence had been advertised on a flyer listing "Midget Weekender" and "Leprechaun Bar Wars" among its principal attractions. Tindall, who recently took up residence in royal circles by marrying Zara Phillips, was alleged to have been at the forefront of the extra-curricular activity.
The governing body's response was interesting - not so much for what it said as for what it failed to say. "Mike and several of the players were enjoying an evening out after he had led the team to a hard-earned victory over Argentina," read the official statement. "Like all the lads he plays for England with a massive amount of passion and he was relaxing after a tough match." There was no attempt to argue with any of the detail contained in the report, or to suggest that nothing untoward occurred. The final sentence - "There will be no further comment" - was a triumph of hope over expectation.
Tindall and his playmates were in the centre of Queenstown on Sunday evening, watching the South Africa-Wales game in a crowded pub before heading for pastures new. Some made a later night of it than others, but there was no suggestion that any had abused the privilege afforded them by Johnson, who before departure from England refused to impose an alcohol ban for the tournament. "We're dealing with blokes, with adults," he said, explaining his reluctance to be "petty" about such matters. "It was like that when I started playing rugby at a senior level and it's no different just because the game is now professional. It's still down to players to make sensible decisions. I trust them to do that. If it turns out that I can't trust them, there'll be a simple decision for me to make."
