Steve Braunias: The secret All Blacks team selection of Scott ‘Razor’ Robertson

OPINION:

FULL-BACK

It’s an honour to be named as the next All Blacks head coach. But we need a bit of a shake-up and I think we need to change the way we think about winning. We should think about losing. We should go out there and lose the ball, lose the plot, and definitely lose the game, because that’s good for character.

And that’s why I’m selecting Christopher Luxon as full-back. He’s not very quick and you couldn’t say he has a safe pair of hands. His initiative is lacking and the area of fresh ideas is a problem on account of the fact he doesn’t have any. He’s weak under pressure. He goes missing when he’s needed. We polled him earlier this week and the results were pretty clear that no one could relate to him.

But he’s firm on military camps and that’s good for character, too.

WING

I can’t think of a more sure way of losing than to select Kellie-Jay Keen-Minshull.

You lose if you stop her from entering the country because that confirms the popular view that New Zealand is too afraid to allow people with views that are in direct conflict with the moral climate.

But you lose if you allow her to enter the country because she will talk complete shit to some of the most awful people in the country.

Everything about her is lose-lose.

Most of us couldn’t care less one way or another what she thinks and don’t take any notice. It’s not hard to see why. She was in the papers this week saying that people who don’t like her are the same people who hate women. This kind of logic doesn’t make a lick of sense.

But she’s here now so let’s go all out and lose.

THE OTHER WING

Obviously, it’s Posie Parker.

FORWARDS

We need a mauling pack of eight big guys to do the job that no one else wants to do. We need them to provide security for Kellie-Jay Keen-Minshull. We need $10,000 to meet that cost.

We need all of this like a hole in the head and that’s the kind of losing formula I’m getting at.

FIRST-FIVE AND SECOND-FIVE

If you asked the New Zealand education system to add first-five and second-five, they wouldn’t have a clue, would they? New Zealand students are falling behind in the core subjects of reading, writing, maths and science, and it’s fair to place the blame at the door of the New Zealand education system.

They’ve more than earned their place in the team I have in mind. They’re in a class of their own and it’s not a class of winners. They will go out and lose.

It’s actually kind of sad.

CENTRE

This is definitely sad. As you all know disgraced Olympian and Commonwealth Games bronze medallist Zane Robertson was banned from running for eight years by the Sports Tribunal of New Zealand on Wednesday, having tested positive for erythropoietin (EPO) at the Great Manchester Run in May last year.

His career is over and he’ll be remembered as a cheat.

Sometimes losing is more than losing. It’s tragic.

And so Zane brings a different kind of energy to the team, and that’s why I’m selecting him right in the centre of a screaming void, a plunging abyss.

But you can always plunge a little further and we need the right person for the key position of half-back.

HALF-BACK

You just can’t go past Wayne Brown, can you? He’s Auckland’s problem and makes the rest of the country glad he’s not their mayor. You can imagine him leading the line in a team of All Black losers. He’d slag off the flankers, sack the locks, and tell the props to f*** off. The backs would walk off in disgust. And he’d be left standing there, alone, confused, ranting.

He will definitely build character.