South Africa
The relationship with South Africa has changed quite a bit in the professional era.
Back in the day they were mysterious men, often wearing XXXXXX jerseys and shorts you could go camping in, who committed the cardinal sin of actually being better at rugby than us. This was unforgivable, and even more so than apartheid according to a lot of New Zealanders.
And their referees weren't just biased, they were ruthless hit men trained since birth to bring our mighty All Blacks down. And yet...Victor Matfield, Jean de Villiers and co. turned out to be top characters once we got to know them. Whatever the full range of reasons, there is actually a touch of empathy for South Africa rugby, and hope that it doesn't fall too far.
Their problems have touched us in a way that will never happen with England and Australia, who must be crushed at all costs.
Rival ratings:
History: 5
Threat: 3
Incident: 5
Frequency of meetings: 5
Hate losing to: 4
Total: 22
Australia
No matter how bad Australia gets, nobody here ever feels sorry for them. Never give an Aussie an even break. Never. They will take that even break, and shove it down your throat quicker than you can say John Eales. And what's more, they will love doing it and keep telling you about it until you can take it no more.
Rival ratings:
History: 4
Threat: 3
Incident: 4
Frequency of meetings: 5
Hate losing to: 4
Total: 20
England
We can't stand the thought of England lording it over us.
Not that this happens a lot, but even when England cross the tryline it hurts the soul.
What is it about England rugby? Answer: Arrogance (which, funnily enough, is how a lot of other people look at us).
England often brings the best out of the All Blacks, with the potential for bringing the worst out in us. In reality, they've had wonderful characters like Jonny Wilkinson and ummmm....
Rival ratings:
History: 4
Threat: 4
Incident: 3
Frequency of meetings: 2
Hate losing to: 5
Total: 18
France
It's complicated. We tried blaming them once for our World Cup woes, but quickly changed to blaming the referee when it happened again. The 2011 World Cup final was, to so many people, one of the worst experiences of their lives. And yet, it wasn't the thought of losing to France which sent fear levels through the roof. It was the thought of "losing" the World Cup again. then there's our complicated history, of war and the Rainbow Warrior. Actually, as a people, we're probably a bit envious of the French, the famous joie de vivre — in rugby and life — whether real or not.
Rival ratings:
History: 4
Threat: 3
Incident: 4
Frequency of meetings: 3
Hate losing to: 3
Total: 17
British and Irish Lions
They visit New Zealand every 12 years so it's not a rivalry that comes around that often, but it is always the highlight of that rugby year. There was probably more bad blood in 2005, thanks to Sir Clive Woodward coaching and the Brian O'Driscoll incident, than last year. It's a worthy rivalry with some great history but the frequency of meetings hurts.
Rival ratings:
History: 5
Threat: 4
Incident: 3
Frequency of meetings: 1
Hate losing to: 4
Total: 17
Wales
You wait. We tend to forget about the rivalry, because there isn't one. Wales have been that bad. But if they happened to get a win...
Rival ratings:
History: 4
Threat: 3
Incident: 3
Frequency of meetings: 3
Hate losing to: 1
Total: 14
Ireland
Zooming up fast. We're happy to love other countries so long as they know their place. Ireland has been damn uppity of late. One more win and they are in for it.
Rival ratings:
History: 2
Threat: 4
Incident: 2
Frequency of meetings: 3
Hate losing to: 1
Total: 12
Scotland
If Scotland were going to beat the All Blacks, they would have done it by now. We don't seem to play them all that often. And if they didn't happen to win, many people would go fair enough, fair play, well done (maybe).
Rival ratings:
History: 3
Threat: 2
Incident: 1
Frequency of meetings: 2
Hate losing to: 0
Total: 8
