KEY POINTS:
Never has there been a buffer team of Rugby World Cup losers.
Among the many head-scratching obfuscations of this week's Rugby World Cup post-mortem report from the NZRU were a few surreal statistics highlighting the state of physical brilliance attained by the team who exited the tournament at the quarter-final stage.
Paragraph 4.57 of the Mike Heron and Don Tricker-penned report states that 92 per cent of the All Blacks achieved a minimum of 2 per cent improvement in targets for speed and strength over the two years leading up to the tournament. Consolation for those Kiwis who sat stunned, staring at the television on that grimmest of October mornings? Perhaps not.
Fans who remember Don Clarke knocking the pigskin between the sticks sideways through a Wellington gale will struggle to take heart from the fact that 87 per cent of the 2007 All Blacks reached personal bests for speed during the conditioning programme, while all of them were 0 per cent for successful quarter-final drop goals.
And while the Shrek-like frame of Os du Randt may have lumbered its way through two victorious World Cup campaigns, chances are the braai-loving farmer from the veld can't boast the 1.5kg of "lean muscle gain" recorded on average across the All Black squad. As the report notes: "This is a significant result and was reflected in the number of players who attained personal best body composition scores during the RWC."
Significant indeed, eh Os?
If rumours of his exit to Europe prove true, then All Black supporters might remember the underwear salesman and brilliant No 10 Daniel Carter for his "personal best body composition score". On the other hand, he might be remembered for being crocked due to lack of match fitness in a game where he was desperately needed. It would be a short debate in a rural rugby clubroom.
It's undeniably impressive to note that the players "increased the loads they were lifting in key exercises by an average of 10 per cent during the conditioning programme".
Given that the 2006 version of Jerry Collins hardly seemed a couch potato - more like a giant sack of potatoes - 10 per cent more of his biceps would make a startling sight on any beach. Sadly, they looked less impressive as he limped off the Cardiff field. Clause 4.58 notes that 21 of 22 players surveyed rated the preparation a four out of five. Who was the 22nd player - the one who saw what a load of baloney it was? Make him the skipper.
