NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Sport / Rugby / All Blacks

<EM>Paul Thomas:</EM> The general has fought his last war

By Paul Thomas,
15 Jul, 2005 08:29 AM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Amidst the post-mortems on the most expensive disaster since the disintegration of the space shuttle, this column will boldly go where no sensible person would think of going and endeavour to salvage something from the wreckage.

While, pitifully, not a single one of the Lions' 50-odd players will linger in
the memory, Sir Clive Woodward can be added to the roll-call of fools, jesters, sad clowns, eccentrics and overgrown schoolboys who have weaved the incomparably rich tapestry of British humour.

Like the current crop of All Blacks, Woodward carries a torch lit by those who've gone before him. One can, for instance, easily imagine him in the Kenneth Williams role in a Carry On film - Carry On Making A Complete Arse Of Yourself perhaps.

There's also a hint of the puffed-up Captain Mainwaring from the television series Dad's Army. Just as Mainwaring had the excitable Lance Corporal Jones with his gleeful catch-cry "They don't like it up 'em," Woodward had the equally monomaniac Stephen Jones to assure him that New Zealand's effete forwards would turn to jelly when confronted with cold British steel.

Woodward's denial and incredible shrinking reputation recall the Black Knight in the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"Tis but a scratch," says the Black Knight, after having an arm hacked off in a sword fight. "A flesh wound," he harrumphs on parting company with the other arm. "I'm invincible," he crows on becoming a quadruple amputee. "All right," he hollers when his exasperated opponent can't be bothered continuing, "let's make it a draw."

Woodward's revelation that if he had his time over again, he'd bring as many as 70 players and play three games a week is straight out of the addled alternative reality of Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, the upper-class wastrel invented by Peter Cook. As Cook's editor put it, Sir Arthur is blessed with the wealth to do what he wants, but not the sense to know that what he's doing is totally futile.

"I've learned from my mistakes," said Sir Arthur, who harboured a lifelong ambition to teach ravens to fly underwater, "and I'm sure I can repeat them."

In his blind conviction that what worked with England at the 2003 World Cup would work with a different team in a different country against different opponents two years later, Woodward reinforced the dictum that generals always fight the last war.

The comedic model who springs to mind is the deranged General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett in Blackadder. In one episode Melchett tells Blackadder that high command has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure victory in the field.

"Ah," says Blackadder. "Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing out of our trenches and walking very slowly towards the enemy?"

Indeed it would, but Melchett is quite unperturbed when Blackadder points out that this plan has been tried 18 times before with the same outcome - everyone getting slaughtered in the first ten seconds. That's what makes it a brilliant plan, brays Melchett - "it's exactly the last thing they'd expect us to do."

And yet, and yet.

Although, as one English newspaper put it, Woodward departed these shores on a cloud of derision after his studied ungraciousness at the end-of-tour press conference, his sharpest barb contained more than a grain of truth.

It's difficult to understand why New Zealanders were so dismissive of his assertion that the World Cup, where reputations can be destroyed in a single game, is all that really counts. If he'd been asked for supporting evidence, Woodward could simply have pointed to the public reaction to the All Blacks' semi-final exits in 1999 and 2003.

For almost 70 years New Zealand rugby's Holy Grail was a series win in South Africa. In its bloody-minded pursuit of this dream, the rugby community was prepared to drive people away from the game in their thousands, divide the nation and tarnish New Zealand's standing in the world.

In 1996 the long quest ended; the great prize was finally secured.

But how quickly the warm glow faded. All we hear from anyone wanting to prick New Zealand rugby's balloon - and from the current All Black coaching panel - is that we haven't won the World Cup for 20 years.

John Hart, the triumphant coach in 1996, and John Mitchell are largely and sourly remembered for having failed to bring home the World Cup. All their successes and trophies won apparently count for naught.

Woodward got New Zealand rugby wrong on virtually every other count, but he was right about this: if the All Blacks stumble in France in 2007, the series win over the Lions will be consigned to the dustbin of history faster than Stuart Dickinson can recommend a yellow card.

So now all that remains is to wish Sir Clive well in his lonely trek in the footsteps of Peter Sellers, John Cleese and Rowan Atkinson and to give him our heartfelt thanks. In two short months he's succeeded in doing what various organisations have spent the best part of a decade trying and failing to do. He's made us look forward to the Tri-Nations.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from All Blacks

Super Rugby

'Wrecking ball': Ex-All Blacks midfielder signs with Moana Pasifika

10 Jun 12:34 AM
All Blacks

In his own words: Stu Wilson talks rugby with Wynne Gray

09 Jun 11:27 PM
All Blacks

Mark Robinson’s exit: Assessing a tumultuous NZ Rugby tenure

09 Jun 07:31 PM

Why Cambridge is the new home of future-focused design

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from All Blacks

'Wrecking ball': Ex-All Blacks midfielder signs with Moana Pasifika

'Wrecking ball': Ex-All Blacks midfielder signs with Moana Pasifika

10 Jun 12:34 AM

It comes as the Auckland-based side announced the mass departure of 15 players.

In his own words: Stu Wilson talks rugby with Wynne Gray

In his own words: Stu Wilson talks rugby with Wynne Gray

09 Jun 11:27 PM
Mark Robinson’s exit: Assessing a tumultuous NZ Rugby tenure

Mark Robinson’s exit: Assessing a tumultuous NZ Rugby tenure

09 Jun 07:31 PM
Premium
Phil Gifford: Why Stu Wilson remains a unique All Blacks legend

Phil Gifford: Why Stu Wilson remains a unique All Blacks legend

09 Jun 02:45 AM
Clean water fuelling Pacific futures
sponsored

Clean water fuelling Pacific futures

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • What the Actual
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven CarGuide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP