Chris Rattue: The bizarre, banal and just barmy

Sleep well citizens. There are just a couple of days to go before the biggest madhouse sporting concoction in rugby history arrives on these shores.

By the weekend we'll be digesting Woodward-speak and trying to work out whether a Lions party of about 90 members is a fearsome lot, or a disaster waiting to happen.

Whichever way, it should be a lot of fun. Here are a few of the match-ups in store.

Sir Clive Woodward v Reality

The Lions coach loves to create his own world from which the rest of the universe is portrayed as the enemy. It's the old siege mentality.

Within these walls he's now got to reinvent himself as a cosmopolitan character - rather than the diehard Pom he really is - to keep the diverse tour party happy.

Sir Clive is busy tearing out his English heart and becoming a Lion-heart. Why else would he announce on the eve of departure: "Winning with the Lions in New Zealand would be bigger than winning the World Cup".

If you believe he means that, you'll believe anything. Which is how he likes it.

Reality stands little chance against such a seasoned pro, especially when he's got Alastair "Don't Mention the War" Campbell at his side.

Al is penning ditties Sir Clive will have slipped under the players' hotel doors, just to remind them that he is a very British and Irish person now.

The first of these is entitled Howarth Thou Dear Henryo and goes like this.-

Some of my best friends are Irish,
My blood runs thick with Celt,
I even met a Scotsman once,
And my granny, she is Welsh.

Alastair Campbell v The columnists

The world's greatest living information dispenser, Alastair Campbell, is supposedly in charge of organising the Lions' field trips and handing out lollipops to the kiddies.

Of course Tony Blair's bugler will get more than a wee peep at the newspaper columns being written by about half of the Lions players. In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if he holds a few uncreative writing sessions for the tourists.

Campbell or media manager Louisa Cheetham will vet each column, it has been revealed, to avoid a repeat of the 2001 fiasco when Matt Dawson and Austin Healey helped undermine then Lions coach Graham Henry via their newspaper words.

Jonny Wilkinson has already helped Al out by revealing he will have a standard intro for all of his columns.

J-Dub's columns will begin:

"Yesterday I spent three hours practising my goalkicking and then we had breakfast. The curtains in my room are brown and there are six hotel lifts. I like to win."

J-Dub has already told Al he will tone down the controversy after that.

Dawson has submitted his most controversial line for vetting.

It reads: "Graham Henry stuffed up the last Lions tour and is a total prat."

Since this is also Sir Clive's favourite line, it can hardly be canned by the chief censor.

The midweekers' columns will begin: "Another brilliant decision by Sir Clive to leave me out of the test team ... "

The big surprise is that Healey didn't make the tour squad. It's so big that one more passenger would hardly be noticed, and that way Al and Sir Clive could have kept a grip on the little bugger.

Barmy Army v Our public transport system

The Barmies think they're pretty smart getting so many troops to make the trip, but little do they know that the really hard bit begins now. Getting from Twickers to Auckers is a doddle compared with getting from a Queen St backpackers to Eden Parkers.

The Barmies are doing their bit on this score by running free buses around the Queen city. This is a reciprocal gesture, inspired by the thousands of Kiwis who have used the London Underground as a free service for decades.

Old stagers v Father time

There are a few of Sir Clive's old mates in the party who might struggle in the lung department if the All Blacks, and the provinces, start running them around. Father Time is in with a decent shout against Neil Back and co. Henry v The media GH swept to power on a policy of "Read My Lips - I Love the Media". Some of the media even believed this as they savaged poor ol' Mitch.

Surprise, surprise. This policy does not appear to have survived GH's second term of office. Already, we're a scurrilous lot who have a negative quota of 80 per cent, and now we're being most unpatriotic about the 2011 World Cup bid. Rumours even swirled this week that GH was set to bring Mark Shaw in as his media officer. But Shaw squashed this along with the person who started the rumour.

Marshall v Kelleher ...

Or Weepu or Cowan. Forget about Dwayne Peel. The real halfback action is WITHIN the All Blacks.

If Justin Marshall and Byron Kelleher both happen to end up in the team, they could sell tickets to the training sessions 'cos the feisty Kelleher will be more than a wee bit peeved at Marshall doubting his form. Marshall's words weren't exactly in the "All Blacks for one, one for All Blacks" tradition. And while Marshall didn't actually name Piri Weepu or Jimmy Cowan, it didn't take much to read between the lines.

Mexted v The lions team list

To be fair, there is a heck of a lot of homework to be done. But commentator Mex faces a major swot. His toughest tongue task - Donncha O'Callaghan.

The Lions v Their 'national anthem'

Judging by the prelude to the Argentina game in Cardiff, the Lions' tour anthem hasn't gone down well with the lads. Apparently named after Sir Clive's tour motto, The Power of 4 (or is that "The Power of 44") is a lung buster and some of those Lions need to conserve all the energy they've got. But the players didn't even pretend to know the words. Not even a few mumbles. That Lions anthem certainly appears to have the Lions beat.

Stephen Jones (of The Sunday Times) v Super 12

Shock. Horror.