Chris Rattue: Kindly Jerry just needs a good knight's coaching

Things may not be looking rosy for George Gregan and his woeful Wallabies but there is one consoling thought for them at this week's Eden Park test.

I refer of course to the absence of Jerry Collins, the frost-topped stick of human gelignite who has again fallen foul of that mysterious mob known as the rugby judiciary.

Given the state of play, Collins' Tri-Nations demise is unlikely to affect Saturday night's result. But at least Gregan and his men will have a greater chance of departing Auckland with their body parts in roughly the same alignment to when they arrived.

Collins is a leading candidate for All Black of the Year. He has put starch into the All Blacks, despite appearing to have too much starch in his jersey.

The most beautiful part of the Collins game is that there is not much beauty to it. The basic Collins MO is to make sure the bullbars are firmly fixed and to plant the foot to the floor.

There has never been an All Black sight quite like him, as he stampedes ahead in the upright position a la a kids' action toy with the spring wound tight.

His facial expressions also suggest a charming obliviousness to the carnage he causes.

Detractors claim he is one-dimensional, but this totally ignores his willingness to use the complete range of body parts to demolish opponents. In terms of using the full weaponry, Jerry Collins is the most multi-faceted player in world rugby.

However his propensity for, shall we say, pushing the boundaries on a few of the rugby rules means he is always in danger of missing a game here and there - which is a weakness.

Which brings us to the matter in hand - namely the appearance of one J. Collins at a judicial hearing after the victory over the Springboks at Carisbrook. The charge: punching Bok replacement back Jaco van der Westhuyzen. The verdict: a rather friendly two-week suspension.

Just like courts of law, the most entertaining aspect of rugby hearings is - judging by the handouts giving a summary of events - the inventiveness of the defence lawyers.

For instance, there is no such thing as a high tackle. While others cling to whacky Isaac Newton's concept that things tend to accelerate towards earth, footy lawyers have discovered that tackles slip off chests with alarming velocity in an upward direction. These tackles are apparently subject to the same forces which have made Nasa so successful, although the rocket squad provide far more scientific reasons for their upward lift.

This is of little consolation to the bloke on the receiving end, as he re-assembles his jaw using the parts he can still find at the back of his neck.

Wouldn't it be great to find out even more about these rugby hearings. Which is why they should be televised live, with a full team of commentators and analysts, instead of in secret as they are now.

Not only would justice then be seen to be done, maybe, but the rugby union would grab a further chunk of prime time. The nation would be gripped, if it could tear itself away from analysing the haka.

Consider this.

According to the court transcript, otherwise known as the NZRU press release, Collins' lawyer claimed that the player "struck an opponent in an endeavour to protect his team-mate whom he considered was being set upon by two opponents". Yes folks. Jerry was in fact a good-hearted vigilante and would be a national hero if he had taken this sort of action to sort out a crim at the local supermarket.

But wait. The committee was on to him because it "did consider it was an aggravating feature that Collins had open to him different options to defuse the situation and chose to commit acts of foul play by continuing to punch particularly while his opponent was on the ground. This course of conduct needs to be deterred". In other words, Jerry should have recommended anger management counselling to the naughty Springboks, instead of giving them the bash.

The important thing here is that there are no flies on these judicial blokes, who can clearly distinguish between a good samaritan and a bloke who is bashing the *^&# out of someone on the ground. But wait. In Collins' favour were his "early admissions of responsibility, his remorse and contrition, his conduct at the hearing and his subsequent apology to his opponent".

Yippee, although - in all seriousness - when you punch someone in front of a worldwide audience it's not a bad idea to wear a suit to the hearing, dispense with the cigars and witty jokes, admit the charge and say sorry.

And yet ... Despite submissions by Collins' defence team of "compelling mitigating features" the committee was, get this, "not satisfied that there were sufficient compelling mitigating features and an absence of aggravating features to warrant acceptance of this submission". The TV analyst could sort that one out.

Of course a compelling feature when Joe Spectator sums up these things is a player's previous record. And it may come as no surprise that Jerry has one of those.

Although ... According to his defence team, he is much misunderstood in this department. To quote: " ... the judicial committee heard evidence that while Collins has been suspended on three previous occasions, in each case the offences were in relation to reckless, dangerous tackles and arose from poor technique rather than malice". In other words, kindly Jerry merely gives opponents a misdirected clip around the ears. He is a victim of the upward slipping tackle phenomenon.

There is more.

No less a figure than All Black selector Sir Brian Lochore attended, to inform the committee that Collins was being coached to remedy this aspect of his technique. Sir Brian sure is a good man to have in your corner when it comes to a character reference - every team should have a bona fide knight at the ready to help out at the court cases. And it did the trick because the committee was more than happy with this explanation.

"For these reasons, the committee did not consider Collins to be a persistent offender in respect of intentional foul play," it ruled, revealing a deep and knowledgeable affinity with the game.

But there is a definite smear on the Collins record now because the committee found that he was the "principal protagonist" and the punching was excessive and disproportionate to the threat. How beautifully put.

Maybe this even qualifies as foul play - although undoubtedly it's nothing that can't be coached off his record.