KEY POINTS:
With round eight done and dusted, that shuffling sound you hear is various coaches checking the fine print of their team warranties to make sure what they've seen on the field matches the performance promises made before the season. Some coaches will feel they've done pretty well, with key players living up to their big reputations. Others, like second-hand car buyers, will feel that their Rolls-Royce hopes are running on three cylinders. There wouldn't be one coach totally satisfied with his team's performance.
Take the Broncos. Wayne Bennett will have his perennial dream that Alfie Langer's had enough of retirement (again). And that State of Origin is cancelled this year so he can count on a full roster through May and June.
Penrith's Matthew Elliott will be wishing for a visit from the Department of Conservation, which might be able to help him track down the formerly ferocious Kiwis who used to be a core part of his team. Where are the real Tony Puletua and Frank Pritchard?
Neil Henry at the Raiders could well be thinking the assistant's job in North Queensland wasn't so bad after all. And, if he could just find another Mal Meninga or Laurie Daley...
Newcastle Knights coach Brian Smith will settle for the discovery of an illegitimate younger brother to Andrew and Mathew Johns - for a side to which Johns-less translates directly to winless.
West Tigers coach Tim Sheens will have his fingers crossed that medical science will announce a major breakthrough in the area of torso transplants, so Benji Marshall can see the season out with swimming superstar Ian Thorpe's shoulders grafted on to his fragile frame.
At the Roosters, Chris Anderson will be wishing for a pallet load of quick-set concrete to stiffen up the blancmange that doubles as his forward pack.
South Sydney's Jason Taylor must be wishing the Master and Commander (Russell Crowe) would bring a Hollywood scriptwriter in to rewrite match endings. Close, last-minute losses are hardly the stuff that sets records at the box office.
Nathan Brown at St George will be wishing that Lucifer drops into Kogarah to rekindle the fire in the nostrils of a strangely placid Dragons.
The Storm's Craig Bellamy would be pretty satisfied with his lot but I'm sure he'd still give anything to get more than just a handful of mad Melburnians at his home games.
The Sharks' Ricky Stuart would be wishing for adversity every day of the week. It seems his Cronulla side thrives with their backs to the wall.
John Cartwright of the Titans probably thought he'd been shot by a rainbow when he got the job, but he'll be wishing now that he'd put a 10-year warranty on Preston Campbell's knees.
Manly's fitness-freak coach Des Hasler would be wishing for more hours in the day, to flog his players, particularly after a loss.
Steve Folkes from the Bulldogs won't have a long wish list, but if they could do it with Dolly the Sheep (cloning that is), Folkes will be wishing he could replicate the gene that controls Sonny Bill Williams' off-loads, big hits and try-making plays.
The Cowboys' Graham Murray may not even need to have a wish-list other than for bags of cotton wool to keep Johnathan Thurston and Matty Bowen injury-free.
And then there's Eels coach Michael Hagan who, in the words of the song, will be wishing to turn back time. He must think he's come out of the Knights and into a daze with a Parra side that looks like it will be in strong contention for the wooden spoon.
Which brings us to the Warriors, and Ivan Cleary. I don't know how much he knows about psychiatric matters, but I'll wager he's desperately wishing for a cure for schizophrenia. One week (against the Rabbitohs) sensational, the next (against weakened Cronulla) very ordinary indeed.
Cleary was badly let down by some of his guys last Saturday night. They should have won in a canter but were left looking anything but top-four material.
I fear Stuart's side may have exposed a weakness in the Warriors that other clubs will now take advantage of. The Warriors have played a very structured game and it has worked well. But it has also disguised a lack of sheer class.
A couple of things, however, are going the Warriors' way. They are still in the top four (although it is only the two points from the bye that has kept them clear of the seven clubs below them). Second, Cleary is not a panic merchant. He was honest and frank about his team's shortcomings, and rated it not good enough. He has done a great job but he'll need all his skill to bring them back up to standard again, and nurture them through what will be a tough trip to Newcastle.
The Warriors will be walking into a cauldron and the Knights will be desperate to win. The Warriors' experienced men will all need to step up.
I've a hunch the Knights will have tried hard to set an ambush. There are players in both clubs who need to lift their game - but maybe the fanatical Knights fans will give them the edge.
