One thousand times more implausible than even that is that a Melbourne Cup, or even a Manangatang maiden, could ever be run with jockeys not carrying whips.
This week - yeah, we don't believe it either - Australian Racing Board CEO Peter McGauran, no less, said he would strongly look at banning whip use in Australian racing if the research currently being conducted by Sydney forensic pathologist Dr Lydia Tong showed whip use was painful to horses.
Twenty-seven things immediately spring to mind when digesting that - the first might be what colour the sky is in Peter McGauran's world.
Make no mistake, the Melbourne Cup would disappear within a decade if whips were banned, followed closely by the entire racing industry.
The Melbourne Cup is not a horse race. Nor is it even a major gala event. It is one of the major icons of Australian heritage. It is part of what has made, and make, Australians what they are.
It is the world's only sporting event ever to create it's own national public holiday and while politicians in several states, to their shame, have reversed that in recent years for reasons of commerce, in the heart of every true Australian, the Melbourne Cup is a national holiday regardless of what politicians think.
The Melbourne Cup, a horse race lasting around 3m 22s, grossed last year for Victoria A$374.2 million.
Has someone tugged on McGauran's coat-tail and given him an indication of how long he might retain office if he is directly responsible for pulling that $374 million out of the pockets of Victorian retail wallets.
Now, before we give the impression we think all of that is more important than animal welfare - it's not. Nothing will ever trump animal welfare. Which is why Australian and then New Zealand racing listened to reason a handful of years back and padded jockeys' whips. Most riders will tell you whips now can only encourage and not hurt the animal. A handful say they could hit their grandmother with one. There are also limits to the number of times a horse can be struck with the whip.
And it's why Victorian racing, disastrously, listened to the bleeding heart, tree-hugging liberals to the extent they lowered the size of obstacles in jumps racing.
What that led to was increasing the horse fatality rate because jockeys were, and still are, asking horses to treat the ridiculously small fences with contempt and attempt them at break-neck speed. The much larger sized fences in New Zealand jumps racing is the direct reason for significantly fewer serious falls.
The point here is, when analysing such things allow those who understand the core subject to make the decision and lock the academics outside the room.
Dr Tong says preliminary tests concluded whipping is "likely to be painful", which contradicts the view of most jockeys.
"Of course. You can't say you believe it does not inflict pain and then, if the evidence is to the contrary, you continue," said McGauran. "Of course we would ban the whip."
So, pain. No one can deny the pain Richie McCaw has felt every time he's stepped onto the field in the past five years. Maybe the academics would like to save him from that and turn test rugby into a game of touch.
You'd like to be the one to call South Africa to tell the yarpies that.
Perhaps we should restrict Formula One racing to a top speed of 160km/h.
For two decades Michael Schumacher whizzed around every Formula One track in the world at speeds that made everyone, himself included, dizzy then virtually ended his life on a ski field.
Dr Tong said her research proved the horse's skin was thicker than ours, but by less than a millimetre. But the epidermis, the top layer of skin housing pain sensing nerves, is thinner.
"This means the horse has fewer skin cells lying between the source of pain - ie, the whip - and its sensitive nerve endings," she said. "In some ways you could therefore argue when it comes to pain the horse's skin is thinner."
Umm, so, let's get this right Dr Tong, a horse's skin is both thinner and thicker than a human?
Yep, sounds like an academic to us. Save us from those who would save us ...
What the Melbourne Cup means to Victoria:
• A 7 per cent increase of out-of-state individuals attending to 69,296, including 54,214 event motivated visitors and 4116 extended stay visitors.
• Visitors from 43 countries, up from 35 in 2013.
• A 133 per cent increase in visitation from Asia, bolstered by the participation of horses from Japan.
• A record three cruise ships from Carnival Australia and P&O, carrying 6141 guests and contributing $8.9 million in value-added benefit (four ships with more than 8000 guests will sail for the 2015 Carnival).
• $28.38 million in commercial accommodation spending in Victoria (up from $25.6 million) over 186,221 bed-nights (up from 175,961)
• $20.91 million in food and beverage, $13.67 million in retail and $7.61 million in grooming spending.
• $31.4 million of spending in Victoria on fashion items specifically to wear to Flemington ($31.44 million in 2013). The purchase of 375,938 individual fashion items (up from 343,744), including 75,000 hats and fascinators, 61,000 dresses, 59,000 pairs of shoes, 30,000 handbags, 17,000 shirts and 15,000 suits.
• The employment of more than 18,000 staff and contractors at Flemington in the lead-up and during the event.
• Participation of 31 international horses representing five countries other than Australia.
