Featuring Boots Edgar and Ian David Stockley Smith - from An Opener's Tale by Bruce Edgar & David Roberts (1987)
A cricket newsletter from Beige Brigade HQ for New Zealand cricket fans who like a dose of optimism and a tablespoon of take the piss with their weekly cricket informational.
Tick-tock you don't stop - one month until Test cricket begins on Guy Fawke's Day in Woolloongabba. In Aboriginal it means 'fight talk place'.
We were bloody excited to see the rumour mill gyrating wildly about the New Zealand team being back in beige this summer, if only for T20s. Could it possibly be true? It must be or NZ Cricket would've denied it... Nothing warms the cockles of a NZ supporter's heart like seeing modern-day heroes forced into becoming retro legends for a day or two - we're looking forward to it. Let's hope the haircuts and facial hair also embrace that retro vibe. I'd love to see a game go the whole hog and be retro everything - game rules, players' gear, pitch invasions, cigarette sponsors, at-match catering, commentators, crowd attire, TV production values, signage...
It is fair to say that social media zeitgeist Jimmy Neesham caught our eyes and ears this week with his came on the inaugural 7 Days Of Sport show over on TV3. The question was asked: "Who is the Otago Volts coach?" - and both Neesham (blank face) and even the show's quizmasters ("Dimitri Mascarenhas") failed to correctly identified Aussie-born Albion-bredNathan 'Kingy' King as the man doing throwdowns and batting orders this summer. Could be some awkward training sessions for James in Volts Land this week.
I couldn't quite bulls*** together a legitimate First XV of cricketers with rugby instincts - there is a dearth of tight five forwards who bowl legspin or open the batting it seems. However you'd put together a decent backline out of Rod Latham (Canterbury rugby/NZ cricketer), Bill Carson (All Black/NZ cricketer), Brendon Bracewell (King Country/NZ), George Dickinson (All Black/NZ), Curly Page (All Black/NZ), Charlie Oliver (All Black/NZ), Allan Hewson (All Black/Wellington), Eric Tindill (All Black/NZ), Don Clarke (All Black/Auckland), Jeff Wilson (All Black/NZ), Edward Roberts (All Black/Wellington) and Brian McKechnie (All Black/NZ).
Inspirational to see the immortal Jockey TV commercial featuring Hadlee, Burgess, Coney and Howarth of the 1980s make a reappearance in social media circles in recent days. How good are the singlets, the Y-fronts, the dressing room scenes and the smorgasbord of bare chested Kiwi supporters? Supporting New Zealand indeed: "Jockeys are holding a whole lotta players..."
Annoyingly, Brendon McCullum won't be pink balling in Hamilton with the rest of the New Zealand squad as he will be hanging out in Southwark Crown Court with none other than Christopher Lance Cairns, another former Jockey pin-up boy if I'm not mistaken (along with D Morrison, Z Brooke, P MacDonald, I Ferguson and M Ridge). Pack a decent lunch Baz, the catering sounds dicey: "A coffee pod serves hot and cold beverages along with sandwiches and snacks on the ground floor for general public use."
Meanwhile Australia has pulled the pin on its foray to Bangladesh, after an Italian man and a Japanese man were murdered there this week - the Australian Government said: "There is reliable information to suggest that militants may be planning to target Australian and Western interests in Bangladesh." Its players are now set to hone their paranoia and arrogance in Sheffield Shield domestic cricket in advance of New Zealand's arrival next month.
In NZ domestic cricket, there is no news - but in Club Land Sam Wells (who no longer looks like Daniel Vettori*) is set to play second division club cricket for the battling University-Grange outfit in Otago: ''It is probably not a good look but I'm trying to show support for my club and did not want to play for anyone else, basically.'' The soothing Tim Southee is not playing for his club Maungakaramea though: "That was wishful thinking from Flea".
Did you know the hunt is on to metamorphose an American baseball player into a contracted cricketer in the Indian Premier League? Seriously - a fascinating Josh Burrows story lays it all out. It's like India doing a Jared Hayne on the world of baseball. "We're optimistic that a baseball player can transfer his hitting skills to cricket as effectively as a cricketer can transfer his throwing skills to baseball," cricketer-hunter and sports agent JB Bernstein says. "The guys that are used to hitting with a baseball bat are going to look at a cricket bat with eyes wide open. It's a big hitting area, and there are going to be guys backing themselves to hit a six every time." Sounds extremely elegant - Bernstein has form though, having uncovered two Indian javelin throwers who ended up pitching in the MLB.
Paul Ford, 12th man again
*Jack Leach does occasionally though.
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NICKNAME COMP
Most weeks we will give something away from the Beige Brigade wood panel dining room. This week email beigehq@beigebrigade.co.nz with the story behind your favourite cricketer's nickname at any level of cricket - backyard, club, domestic or international. The best yarn will land a special Beige Brigade onesie and feature in the column next week.
WATCH & LISTEN
Watch: 'The Great Cricket Coup': A crackerjack Australian current affairs yarn by Quentin McDermott and Mary Fallon into the takeover of world cricket by India, England and Australia. As Michael Holding puts it: "There are too many people running cricket that are only interested in the bottom line."
Listen: 'Desert Island Discs - Andrew Flintoff ': Includes the best yarn you could ever hope to hear starring Flintoff's undercarriage, Johnny Cash and Sachin Tendulkar. "I was naked, swinging my towel around my head, swinging everything about..." If you don't love Preston's favourite son by the end of this interview, you're as cold-blooded as a wood tree frog.
Watch: 'Baby vs Dale Steyn ': The best bowler in the world, Dale Steyn, lives like an 18-month-old baby for an entire day in a feat of endurance for kit sponsor New Balance. Sweet pad too.
Paul Ford is a co-founder of the Beige Brigade, and one-seventh of the Alternative Commentary Collective. You can email him here beigehq@beigebrigade.co.nz.