By GILBERT WONG books editor
December 25, 2000. The modern New Zealand family prepares to celebrate Christmas. But the day does not start at all well.
Twelve-year-old Dover storms into a terrible rage when he discovers that the PlayStation 2 wasn't in Santa's stash. Teenage daughter Ruth didn't get home until 4 am. When roused she had a hangover and company in the form of a dreadlocked man never sighted before. Unfortunate words are uttered. Doors slam.
Ageing auntie Judith arrives for lunch at 10.30 am, half an hour before the arrival of Laila and Turiana, identical twins of terror from hubbie Jim's first marriage.
It's Helen the wife's turn to host the whanau, which means her sister Margaret, professional foodie, will be hovering in the kitchen to point out that the tiramisu is a bought one and the wild rice is tame.
Margaret's latest chap, Steve, is worried about his cholesterol and obesity. He asks if he can have something lighter to eat, and would like diabetic ice cream because he's heard it's not fattening. Helen begins to wish the kitchen was not open plan.
Even before sitting down to tiny plates of tasty nibbles, Auntie Judith faints, either from the heat, too much sherry, or both. Dover is sulking in the loo. Ruth and the dreadlocked one have locked themselves in the wine cellar and the smell of marijuana is drifting from under the door.
The terrible twins have already broken three champagne flutes and harassed Steve's poodle Sandra, also a leftover from love the first time round.
Luckily, amid the debris of Christmas present there is a selection of that often derided genre of books called self-help. At a time like this, this family would turn to anyone and anything - and they don't hesitate.
First, Aunt Judith's faint. If it wasn't the sherry, A Younger Woman's Diagnose-it-yourself Guide to Health, by Dr Sarah Jarvis, Dr Keith Hopcraft and Dr Alistair Moulds (Oxford University Press) advises that you should catch her and lay her down gently, then raise her feet 30 degrees to drain blood back to the brain. A tip concerning those prone to fainting is to pump their calf muscles as if pressing on a car accelerator.
As for Dover, Laila and Turiana, the solutions are not so quick. Parenting is not something done with magic fixes. In Power Games, by Kay Douglas and Kim McGregor (Penguin), the plank is clear communication. When children misbehave they suggest four steps to assert yourself: (1) Describe the unacceptable behaviour; (2) Make an "I" statement about your feelings; (3) Say what you would like the child to do instead; (4) Say what the positive/negative consequence will be if the behaviour is changed/not changed. Let children experience the natural consequence of their action or inaction. If Dover won't come out of the loo, don't take him food or drink.
Any consequences you impose on children should be reasonable. And let children maintain their dignity, the authors advise. The best way to parent children is to spend time with them - happy and loving times within which the relationship is built.
Jim's concerns about being overweight might be calmed by a look at The Power of Pleasure, by Dale Atrens (Duffy and Snelgrove). Atrens, a reader in psychology at the University of Sydney who wrote the bestseller Don't Diet, claims that the body mass index - the measure used by health experts to determine obesity - is valid only for determining body fat. The determination of when the level of body fat approaches obesity is not scientific, Atrens writes, but merely a decision made by "health authorities over a bottle of mineral water." He points out that obesity levels change at different times and in different countries. Jim might not be judged fat if he moved to another country, which might suit his blended family.
Sandra the poodle has become a flashpoint because the dog is visible baggage from Jim's previous relationship. Anyway, Helen hates dogs. As much as Jim loves his poodle, this is a case of priorities. In Recycled People - Forming New Relationships in Mid-life(Shoal Bay Press), authors Atkinson and Paula Wagemaker say that Jim must determine which is most important - marital bliss or the poodle. Losing the dog might be the price Jim must pay.
And it turns out that the teenager Ruth could have been following the right advice. In A Woman's Diagnose-it-yourself Guide to Health, the chapter Having It All suggests having "as many orgasms as you can - but don't get pregnant unless you really want to." Apart from the exercise value, the authors say a good sex life is one of the best ways to counteract stress and one sign of honest communication between partners. But the marijuana is not a good sign of health and smoking, everyone agrees, is certainly bad.
One subject not covered by any of these books is what Christmas Day really means. The whole extended family would surely have profited by reading Meet the Man: Jesus of Nazareth who became the Christ, (Church Mouse Press) by the late Selwyn Dawson, theologian and Herald contributor.
He writes: "The stories of Jesus' birth, recycled each December to the accompaniment of cash-registers and Jingle Bells, provide perhaps the best known and most loved rituals of the year. They are retold, acted out and sung because they spell out in a simple and memorable fashion, accessible to all, the wonder of birth, the innocence of childhood, our perennial hopes for 'peace on earth, goodwill to men.' Even a cynical, secular world can, once a year, tune into the vision provided by the annual remembrance of the birth of Jesus."
Enough said.
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