A dejected looking Michael Cheika at the post match press conference. Photo / Photosport
As the test with the Wallabies in Perth looms, there's been the traditional muttering and grumping from the usual suspects, most notably Michael ("I can't get no respect") Cheika.
But let's not get too harsh on those from the great sunburnt land across the Tasman. I'd seriously suggest Australia has offered much for a Kiwi rugby fan to enjoy over the years. Here are eight delights that come straight to mind.
THE CHEIKA SHOW
Poor old coach Cheika can't help that he looks like a bit player in The Sopranos. But bless him for the constant entertainment he offers in the coaches' box. The banging of the table, the despairing arm gestures, and the goldmine for lip readers whenever he disagrees with an on-field decision, could only be better if the TV coverage offered a small inset in the corner of the screen, so we could live the game through the emotional roller coaster of Cheikaland.
PETER FITZSIMONS IS ALWAYS DEAD SET FUNNY
The former Wallaby lock has become one of the great columnists and authors in Australia, and he didn't let fans like me down with his preview to the Perth test. He wrote in the Sydney Morning Herald, "This time, it's over to you religious types, who dinkum believe there is some kind of spirit up there, taking notes, working out who goes to the naughty corner to beat them all, and who gets to live an eternal life happily ever after, somewhere above the clouds.
"I have gently derided your collective absurdities for years.
"But, I told you, I give up.
"Friends, it's time to PRAY for a Wallaby victory.
"See if that works."
AUSSIES HELPED MAKE THE 2000 TEST IN SYDNEY THE GREATEST INTERNATIONAL OF ALL TIME:
"We had 109,874 people there," Wallabies captain John Eales would say to me six years after the test at Stadium Australia was won 39-35 by the All Blacks. Then he laughed. "That number's burnt into my brain. Even when I was walking off, I wasn't feeling devastated by the loss. It was more a feeling of, 'We've just been part of something really special here.'"
The game had everything. An astonishing start, with the All Blacks scoring three tries in five minutes to be up 21-0. "We hadn't touched the ball," said Eales, "and we were 21 points down."
An equally amazing comeback by Australia, to make it 24-all at halftime. "I made the tackle just as Joe Roff crossed the line [to make it 24-all]," All Black captain Todd Blackadder recalls, "and then George Gregan screamed in my ear, 'We're back Toddy, we're back.' Before I could tell him, 'Look mate, I'm not deaf,' he'd already gone."
And then a stunning finish for the All Black victory. Taine Randell popped a basketball-style pass to Jonah Lomu, who tip-toed down the sideline for the winning try. A few years later Lomu told me: "The really weird thing about it was that when I touched down and turned around, I was actually wondering whether I'd stepped in touch, for one, and secondly, I just sort of went blank as to whether I'd scored the try or not. It was almost like a reaction to the game being so surreal."
WE GET TO FLIP FINGERS AT PHIL
Phil Kearns scored a very good try as Australia beat the All Blacks 21-9 in Wellington in 1990, and then, ecstatic with delight, flipped two fingers several times at a prone Sean Fitzpatrick, his opposing hooker. In his role as a TV commentator Kearns has rarely been as genteel and restrained as he was that afternoon at Athletic Park. We're bad winners ("I'd love to hear New Zealanders when they win something acknowledge the opposition"), the refs favour us ("The ref gifted you the World Cup final in 2011, just ask the rest of the world") and, oh, that's right, the refs favour us ("I'm sick of the All Blacks getting a free ride"). Honesty call now. Isn't it great that Phil gives us the chance to reinforce all our prejudices about loud-mouthed Aussies?
WATCHING CAMPO LIGHT UP DUBLIN
There was never a single dull moment when David Campese was on the field. Peter Fitzsimmons once suggested the flying wing was "a self-made man who has always worshipped his maker", but that aside, Campese was a one-man bonfire during a grim, grey, British winter at the 1991 World Cup. Two strokes of Campo genius, which even as a New Zealander you had to admire, did for the All Blacks in the semifinal in Dublin. Six minutes into the game he flew across the face of a stunned All Black defensive line, basically running parallel to the goal-line, until the bemused All Blacks realised he was going to beat them to the unmarked corner and score. At the 34-minute mark he grabbed a chip kick from Michael Lynagh 30 metres from the tryline. This time he was covered by two of the fastest men in the All Blacks, wing John Timu and halfback Graham Bachop. No problem for Campo. He flicked a crazily inspired no-look pass over his head, and Tim Horan almost strolled in for the try. It was 13-0 at halftime, 16-6 to the Wallabies at the final whistle.
ENJOYING CAMPO CONNING THE ENGLISH
Before the final against England at Twickenham in '91 coach Bob Dwyer slipped the leash on Campese with the media. "It'd be a tragedy for the game if England won," said Campo. "They play such dull, 10-man rugby." He kept singing off the same hymn book all week. By Saturday afternoon the English, who had won their way to the final playing dull, 10-man rugby, tried to run the ball. The Aussies kicked all day and won 9-3.
MEETING THESE CAPTAINS WAS A PRIVILEGE
Andrew Slack in the 1980s, Nick Farr-Jones in the 90s and John Eales in the 2000s were princes of men. It isn't true that Eales' nickname in the Wallabies was Nobody (because Nobody's perfect). It was a media invention. But the name would have basically been a good fit for Eales, and Slack and Farr-Jones too. Slack once gave the most heartfelt quote I've ever been gifted by an Australian player. "You know what I hate about playing the All Blacks? You can be ahead by 15 points with 10 minutes to go, and you know they'll be behind their goal-line saying to each other, 'We can win this thing'."
THEY CAN BE CRASS, BUT YOU HAVE TO LAUGH
In 1999 there was an official Australian Rugby Union ad, featuring Aussie fullback Matty Burke, that ran endlessly on Sydney television before a Bledisloe Cup test. Matty was beaming at the camera, with a brotherly arm over the rump of a fake sheep. The sheep's knees were knocking. "The All Blacks are coming, and Shazza's scared," said a booming voice over. Then Burke said, "Don't worry Shazza, we'll look after you."