Trent Boult poses for a photo with young fans. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
Trent Boult poses for a photo with young fans. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
Alternative Commentary Collective 'safety expert' Mike Lane has the perfect plan to fix all safety concerns for fans at the cricket this Summer.
Lane - and the ACC - say they were banned from Hagley Oval this summer due to 'health and safety concerns', and Lane now feels he's anexpert on the topic.
Today, New Zealand Cricket announced they will be implementing 'catch zones' for their Tui Catch a Million competition in the interests of crowd safety.
Lane says they need to take it a step further:
Things have reached crisis point. People will die, children dismembered live on TV and as former Black Caps Jimmy Neesham and Kyle Mills have said: we need to act now before someone gets hurt. So let's all address this crisis head-on.
Here are the first five action points that MUST be addressed before another ball is bowled this summer.
1. Hard Balls
The Threat: These are 150km hour bullets with explosive tips that first enter the body and then ignite, gutting the victim inside out. What if a six was hit into the crowd and someone got seriously hurt?
The Solution: Get rid of them. People don't expect to go to a cricket game and be hit by an explosive leather ball. They need to move to tennis balls immediately – with tape on one side, as we have to do something before someone is seriously hurt.
MOUNT MAUNGANUI, NEW ZEALAND - JANUARY 03: Fans attempt to catch a six as part of the Tui Catch A Million promotion during game three of the Twenty20 series. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
The Threat: People go to cricket games to watch cricket not be bombarded with balls. It's too much excitement, too much action and if it's a hard ball... instant death.
The Solution: As Neesham and Mills said – we have to do something before someone gets seriously hurt. So we need to ban sixes. Simple.
Tui catch-a-million fans drop a catch in the stands during the ICC Cricket World Cup Semifinal match between New Zealand and South Africa at Eden Park in 2015. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
3. Hot Food
The Threat: Food at cricket games (and most stadium events) are dangerously hot having been nuked in some sort of mass catering reactor. Not to mention it's dangerously unhealthy. What if someone got seriously hurt?
The Solution: Smoothies served in plastic cups – every item run through a Nutri Bullet and serviced in plastic cups. Safety first – heaven forbid someone got injured at a game through food mismanagement
Chris Gayle heads back to the dressing room as Trent Boult smiles in the background. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
4. Stairs
The Threat: Every day 87 Kiwis hurt themselves on stairs... sports stadiums are full of them! What if you were at a live sports event and someone got seriously hurt on the stairs?
The Solution: Ban Stadiums with more than four steps. We need to act before someone really hurts themselves.
Colin Munro of the New Zealand Black Caps bats during game three of the Twenty20 series between New Zealand and the West Indies. Photo / Photosport.co.nz
5. Fans
The Threat: Fans are dangerous, they make lots of noise, they drink, they laugh, they pay to watch their favourite team…they try and catch sixes, HEATHENS!!! What if these people seriously hurt someone?
The Solution: Easy – something needs to be done before someone gets seriously hurt. Ban the Fan. It will end all the issues and the fish heads can move on to shutting down another past time. I nominate Orienteering – that s**t is next level risky!
