Midweek Fixture with Dylan Cleaver: End of year awards

It was borderline pitiful watching the Georgie Pie Super Smash finals weekend played to an empty rugby ground, says Dylan Cleaver. Photo / Getty

Tis the time of year for baubles and here at Midweek Fixture, we've got trinkets coming out of our gimcracks and knick-knacks out our gewgaws. What better way to use them than to host some awards for award nights.

THE AWARD FOR MOST PAINFUL AWARDS
Winner: The Halberg Awards

Every freakin' year, like clockwork, talkback, columnists and the wind-tunnel of thought that is Twitter will erupt into a frenzied, pointless debate as to who should take out the supreme award. Even the idiot who is writing this sentence has in the past debased himself by entering the fray. For goodness sake Cleaver, get a grip on yourself.

With its bloated panel and twisted calculus, the Halbergs are an exercise in well-dressed irritation.

How can you compare Lydia Ko winning one out of five majors against increasingly strong fields against a pair of unbeatable, brilliant rowers who have scared away any potential rivals in a niche sport? How do you compare Kane Williamson who, with couple more good knocks, could end 2015 having scored more international runs in a calendar year than any other human, with the All Blacks, who confirmed their status as the most dominant rugby team on the planet?

Here's the short answer: you can't. So let's just flick the default switch and give it to the rowers.

Dear god, there I go again.

THE TEMAZEPAM AWARD FOR STATING THE BLEEDING OBVIOUS AWARDS
Winner: The Steinlager Rugby Awards

Even the name is boring. At least the Halbergs immortalise one of the great names in New Zealand sport. The rugby awards immortalise a beer that started life as Steinecker.

Were there any recipients this year that made you say, "Gosh, that's a surprise"?

Even when Richie McCaw came close to crying he managed to make it look as if he was having a mild allergic reaction to a privet hedge rather than actually, you know, feeling something.

Ma'a Nonu was a deserving, slam-dunk for player of the year. He was in France so they pre-recorded something in the most boring room they could find at NZR HQ and he responded in kind with suitably boring speech.

The other problem with rugby awards is the staunch factor and insistence on sharing the credit with "the boys", or the "back-room staff that don't get acknowledged", or "the management team". Even the best effort of Scotty Stevenson (who should have won an award himself this year for getting the phrase "dick move" into a live telecast), was not enough to turn this into anything other than The Night of the Talking Cadavers.

THE AWARDS THAT PROBABLY SHOULD BE CANCELLED THIS YEAR
Winner: NZ Football

Pushed by Netball New Zealand, NZ Football just take this one out by virtue of it being a disastrous year, rather than just an under-achieving one.

(The Award Awards Committee has been informed NZF doesn't actually run a gala night, but there is a surrogate one administered by a mysterious body known as the NZFMA.)

THE AWARD FOR MOST UNCOMFORTABLE COLLECTION OF ENEMIES IN ONE AWARDS ROOM
Winner: The NZ Cricket Awards

This must be a planning nightmare. How do you get 10 people on a table without pairing at least one set of sworn enemies.

Cricketers either tolerate each other or hate each other. It's a sport that attracts comic-book personalities and over-sized egos.

The successful team from the end of the 90s hated the successful team from the 80s because the players from the 80s kept banging on about the players from the 80s, even though half the players from the 80s hated the other half.

The Taylor captaincy fiasco sparked another wave of internecine warfare, fuelled in large part by egos from the 80s, and more conniptions for those in charge of the seating plan.

THE AWARD FOR AWARDS FOR WHICH THIS COLUMN SHOULD BE AWARDED SOMETHING
Winner: TP McLean Sports Journalism Awards

Okay, that might be stretch, but don't shoot a man for trying.

GIVE 'EM A TASTE OF KIWI

Not sure if it's just because we're so used to it, but this might just be the most unappreciated great moment in NZ sport in 2015.

SPORTS SHAREMARKET

I'm buying... Nothing

I can't afford to. I have Christmas stockings to fill and haven't won a bet in about a month. At this rate all the kids are getting an orange and the free NZME notebook we were given when we moved into our new building this week.

I'm selling... the Georgie Pie Super Smash

Apart from the name, which is an appalling breach of any number of marketing conventions, NZ Cricket have tried really, really hard to establish an identity for their T20 competition but the 2015-16 version was about as appetising as a turnip and pickled-herring pie. It was borderline pitiful watching the finals weekend played to an empty rugby ground. The highest profile overseas player in the final? Hong Kong's Mark Chapman.

Back to the drawing board please, NZC.

I'M READING

This is a fascinating look at the talent factory that is Samoa, but it's the NFL they're supplying, not NZR or the NRL.

MY LAST $10

We are literally getting close to my last $10. In my bid to finish the year in credit, I've dug myself such a big hole that I think I now have two more opportunities to break even and they need to be long shots.

Last week: Sri Lanka batting, first dismissal LBW @ $4.50. Of course I didn't got a clue, I was just hoping that Trent Boult snaked one into the pads and Nigel Llong didn't screw it up for once. Instead Boult found an edge and Watling caught it.

This week: A colleague who has been watching my progress with a growing sense of despair, is going to set me up with accounts for some dodgy overseas betting websites where the odds and options are friendlier than our own TAB. Until then, you're going to watch two desperation half-court heaves over the final two weeks of MF2015. I need about an 6-1 shot to come in this week, so it's $10 on Ross Taylor to be NZ's top runscorer during their first innings in Hamilton.

Total spent: $250 Total collected: $175.60

MAILBAG

Couple of points, Dylan.

You wrote: "He [Tom Latham] now has three centuries from his first 15 tests. When you look at NZ's years of futility at the top of the order, that is a fine return." Those 3 tons have been vs Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and as you say a very weak SL side (one of which was batting at 5). Hardly a fine return then.

''After a poor tour to Australia where his technique and then lack of confidence was exposed, Guptill probably had this series to prove to selectors he was ready to face them again in the return series''. Again, as you say, it was vs a weak SL side. Therefore nothing has been proven.

Here's another thing for you and your fellow journalists like Leggat and Alderson to consider. Under Hesson and McCullum, we've played England, SA and Australia away in 9 tests and have won 1, drawn 1 and lost 7. There were also 5 series in a row lost since March this year. This side isn't what it seems. And we have tours of SA and India next year. Those losses will increase even more of course. Some perspective please.

James Dawes

I think what you actually mean James is "some perspective please as long as it marries up to my perspective".

Latham's three tons have been against Pakistan (2) and Sri Lanka and they were all while opening, so you're wrong there for a start. He also looked good in Australia while not kicking on. For a neophyte test opener, yeah, it's a fine return.

Guptill is obviously damned if he does, damned if he doesn't in your eyes. What would you prefer him to do? Fail against SL to prove what exactly?

Finally, they have not lost five series in a row since March this year and McCullum didn't even go to Africa so why are you trying to sheet that to him? Maybe you don't like him? That's fine, but try to get some perspective please.

Write to me at dylan.cleaver@nzherald.co.nz. Correspondence may be edited for errors and abridged.