KEY POINTS:
When Ricky Stuart's toys exited the cot following the league World Cup final, the Kangaroos coach joined illustrious company as a master of coaching hissy fits.
1: Ricky Stuart - Toys, cot
Last week, Aussie cricket writer Peter Roebuck penned a preview piece for
the first test between New Zealand and Australia. Only he barely mentioned cricket. Instead Roebuck, a noted scribe of sound mind, wrote 1000 words glorifying Australia, "a land that encourages a one-legged lad from Somalia to take up rugby league coaching and allows him to assist an under-16 team".
Roebuck's piece, typed with proudly quivering lip, would have you believe Oz ("...a land in which nippers plunge into breakers twice their size, a place in which firefighters subdue angry flames, taxi passengers sit alongside cabbies...") is a utopia, the birthplace of fair play and the modern home of the Ancient Olympian ideals. Strewth! SuperShorts nearly emigrated.
Enter Ricky Stuart, the bitter and twisted Kangaroos coach whose conspiracy-flavoured rant has set a new standard for bitterness and twistedness. Australia's vision of itself as modern upholder of sporting virtue took perhaps its most terminal kicking when Stuart let rip at World Cup final referee Ashley Klein following the Kiwis' 34-20 win last Saturday.
Did the rest of this noble nation cringe with shame at Stuart's shameful behaviour? "You have to understand Ricky's passion. He just needs to take a few deep breaths," said Australian Rugby League board member John Chalk.
2 - Alex Ferguson versus the world
Sir Alex Ferguson's outrages against the media have seen the Manchester United gaffer ban all television crews, including the club's own in-house team from Old Trafford. After another theatrical tumble from Cristiano Ronaldo had earned a penalty against Middlesbrough in 2006, Ferg - who once put a football boot into David Beckham's forehead - had a polite chat with the man from Sky:
Ferguson: F***ing [inaudible] bastard.
Shreeves: Don't talk to me like that.
Ferguson: F**k off to you.
Shreeves: Don't talk to me like that. Don't even think about it.
Ferguson: Don't you think about it, you ****. F**k off. Right?
Shreeves: Listen, are you going to do the interview in a professional manner or not? Do you want to do it or not?
Ferguson: You f*****g be professional. You be professional. You're the one.
3: Bobby Knight versus the press
American coach Bobby Knight is famed for producing winning basketball teams and for tearing strips off anyone in his path. After his side had, er, disappointed him he gave a calm, reasonable interview to the local television crew. Right up to the moment he snapped.
"We got moved right out of position and gave up a lot of points. I feel that we just haven't ... I'm really disappointed in the amount of [barely detectable sound of a man's sanity snapping] f***ing progress we've made. Goddamit! F*** this show! Take this f***ing show and forget it. Get f***ed."
>>Bobby Knight's 'disappointed' interview. Warning: Contains explicit profanity
Knight has form. He once hurled a chair across the court at a referee who had raised his ire. Asked later why he'd thrown the chair, he said: "Well, there was an old lady on the other side of the court who was standing up without a chair. I thought that she might want to sit down."
The easily risen coach has acknowledged that he has a temper problem, which, as Time Magazine noted, is "like Jeffrey Dahmer saying he suffers from an eating disorder".
4: Joe Kinnear versus the tabloids
English soccer clubs employ legions of media minders to massage the message and coax the correspondents. But when Joe Kinnear took over at Newcastle, he had his own approach. His first words to the press in his new job will be remembered for aeons.
Joe Kinnear: Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's northeast football writer]?
Simon Bird: Me.
JK: You're a c***.
SB: Thank you.
JK: Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely f***ing out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can f*** off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that f***ing crap. No f***ing way, lies. F***, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] f***ed off.
And so on ...
5: John Bracewell versus the journos
More a sustained campaign of sarcasm than a wild outburst of ranting, outgoing New Zealand cricket coach John Bracewell nevertheless had a prickly relationship with the media.
Aside from juicily accusing an Aussie groundsman of watering the pitch during a test, and swapping pitches to favour the home side in an ODI, Bracewell maintained a constant state of frisson in his dealings with the press through judicious application of non sequiturs and sarcasm and the just plain baffling.
6: Kevin Keegan versus sanity
With his beloved Newcastle (the Toon?! Again?!) 10 points clear of the chasing pack going into Christmas in 1995, manager Kevin Keegan made a right one of himself with a delirious rant on camera about how much it would mean to him to beat Manchester United in the Premiership race. "I'd love it if we beat them! Love it!"
They didn't - Newcastle finished second and have been rubbish ever since while Keegan has been a youtube favourite ever since.
7: Harry Redknapp versus a hapless kid
Former Portsmouth manager Harry Redknapp was so adept at Cockney colloquialisms that Pompey hired a language instructor to help foreign players understand what the gaffer was on about.
But there was no mistaking his message the day a hapless kid from the reserve squad hoofed a ball into this back midway through an interview with Sky TV.
It has become a youtube classic.
>>Harry Redknapp gets hit by football. Warning: Contains explicit profanity
Harry Redknapp: "Why the f*** did you kick that over here? Huh?"
Hapless Kid: [Muffled response]
HR: "You try to hit the goal and you hit me?"
HK (Realising career is rapidly disappearing live on TV): [Even more muffled response]
HR: "Get some f***ing brains in ya!"
Interviewer (nervously): "So Harry, just a last word then ... it's a big game ... a big match for you ... "
HR: "Yeah, it's a big match. No wonder he's in the f***ing reserves."
8: Conner Henry Three Blind Mice
What is it about losing to Kiwi sides that makes Aussie coaches do their nut? After the New Zealand Breakers beat the Perth Wildcats 103-99 coach Conner Henry labelled the referees "three blind mice" on national television.
"My belief is that the referees should swallow the whistle," Henry said.
A true gent.
9: Bill Harrigan versus a cement truck
Manly coach Bob Fulton took exception to referee Bill Harrigan's handling of a match in 1987. Manly were penalised 13 times to Cronulla's four and, with Manly leading 13-12 in the final minutes, Des Hasler was sin-binned for scrum infringements. Scrum infringements? In league?
Of course, Cronulla scored a late try to win 18-13. Naturally, Fulton was pissed off with Harrigan (who was dropped from refereeing first-grade games in 2002 after sending four Parramatta players to the sin bin in one match against Newcastle. Not surprisingly, the Eels lost that one 24-18.)
But Fulton took ref hate a tad too far, drawling: "I hope he gets run over by a cement truck."
The A$1000 fine was probably worth it for the chance to let off steam and enter the annals of league infamy.
10: Mike Singletary versus his own team
49ers coach Mike Singletary branded himself a maverick in his coaching debut at San Francisco by sending off one of his own players - he claimed tight end Vernon Davis was "uncoachable". Singletary had already marked his coaching debut in impressive fashion.
At halftime he walked out on to the pitch in front of his own team and supporters, dropped his pants and mooned them.
One for Graham Henry to keep in mind, perhaps, if things are looking grim after 40 minutes at Twickenham this weekend.