KEY POINTS:
It's a very tough time of year for glittering black ties, manhandled as they will be by immensely powerful but inexperienced hands and stretched to the limit around overly developed necks.
Yes, it's Westpac Halberg Awards time on Tuesday night, and as the press release reckons, the winners "will be announced at a glittering black-tie dinner at the Vector Arena".
On the one hand, the sports awards are a boom for the suit hire industry, but on the other, there are always major concerns about whether the gear will come back in its original shape.
The Halberg Awards are one of those glittering occasions when all the blokes are desperate to dress alike and women are devastated if they turn up to find they have.
Spare a thought, though, for some of the work that goes on behind the seams. It is said the nomination of the New Zealand basketballers in 2002 stretched the nation's hire suit limits to breaking point, especially as the team included Pero Cameron.
In contrast, the latest men's field is much shorter and leaner. Scott Dixon, Tom Ashley, Nick Willis, Hayden Roulston and Danny Lee - you could get Cameron's old tie around the lot of them.
What are the key things to consider as the tension mounts? Once again the nation will ask how rowing coach Richard Tonks will cope, stripped of his woolly jumper and forced to attend something that doesn't start at 4.30am by a lake.
Is it possible, despite years of watching them, for most of us to tell the Evers-Swindell twins apart yet? Furthermore, is it possible in Peter Montgomery's case to tell them apart from the Germans yet?
And finally, will Paige Hareb be dressed by Karen Walker or Billabong, and will she have been lent a specially crafted and heavily insured double-stranded white buri seed necklace for the occasion?
These questions will hang thick in the air as a stream of freshly scrubbed Auckland taxis take the great and the good from their downtown hotels to the Vector for absolutely no less than about $30.
What is this column's big hope for Tuesday's ceremony? Well, it's time someone came up with a long and rambling speech, a monologue that goes on and on into the night, to give us a cringe to remember. There needs to be a lot more tears, and a lot less aw shucks.
It is on such moments that awards nights are made and for all of its worthiness, the Halbergs have been too straight for too many years. Any nominees looking for guidance on how to perform a decent rambler could look up Halle Berry's 2002 Oscar speech, which was so long and emotional that it almost got her a nomination for the 2003 awards.
We can only live in hope for the Halbergs on this score, I fear. And try as they might, athletes never look all that comfortable at awards ceremonies. Rather than ripping open envelopes, they invariably look more inclined to rip the monkey suit off and get back to training or playing a bit of golf.
And now, envelopes please ... the Herald form guide.
Sportswoman of the Year
Valerie Vili's opening Olympic shot in Beijing had Halberg written all over it, although no one would have actually tried to write Halberg on it, not with the Chinese police around. You could have got 20 years for that, and even more if there was even a suggestion that Sir Murray had been to Tibet. The academy has increased the usual number of Sportsmen of the Year finalists by one, and they could have more than got their money back here by reducing the women's field to one. With all due respect to Sophie Pascoe (three Paralympic golds), Samantha Warriner (the ITU's top-ranked triathlete for 2008) and Val Smith (two world bowls gold medals), they haven't even got a starter's chance. Winning gold in a classic Olympic event trumps the lot and Valerie has a major X factor on her side. Having won the sportswoman category for the last two years, Vili is hardly going to miss out in her golden Olympic year.
Sportsman of the Year
A bit tastier than the women's competition but ultimately a two-horse race. Scott Dixon (Indy Car 500 winner), Tom Ashley (Olympic boardsailing gold), Nick Willis (Olympic 1500m bronze), Hayden Roulston (Olympic pursuit silver), and Danny Lee (world amateur golf No 1 and US champ) represent a fine and even field. You could argue all day about the merits of various Olympic sports, and whether it is easier to win gold in one than bronze in another. However, the judges won't dare alter the traditional Olympic finishing order, which means Ashley heads the Olympic challenge. Danny Lee is making up the numbers - a junior winner won't prevail in this field - although he will probably be banking telephone numbers in the not too distant future. This leaves Scott Dixon as Ashley's main challenger - Dixon deserves the award but the Olympic-obsessed Halbergs might not agree. Ashley might be a prospect in the offbeat acceptance speech department, although I'm probably clutching at straws.
Coach of the Year
Just where do coaching influences begin and end, and how do you compare a team coach to an individual one. This is the dodgiest category because the contestants are being judged largely on other people (their athletes') work. Why, I might ask at this point, did Robbie Deans miss out on even getting an initial nomination after bagging yet another Super 14 title with the Crusaders. A very interesting stuff-up. Reflected glory should prevail, leaving Valerie Vili's long-time coach and confidant Kirsten Hellier as the hot favourite to deservedly win again, beating Stephen Kearney (Kiwis), Grant Beck (Tom Ashley) and of course Richard Tonks (the Evers-Swindells) who is almost a permanent fixture in this category.
Emerging talent
Or in the case of world under-23 rowing champion Graham Oberlin-Brown, re-emerging emerging talent, since he was nominated in this category two years ago. The Halbergs love rowing so he's the favourite. The emerging talent award reflects a changing world and gives a nod to the youth of today (eeek, did I write that? It sounds like something from the Oscars). To a lot of us older troops, surfing was something people did to fill in the gaps between driving a rusty Peugeot, trick skiing was a result of having one too many at the alpine bar, and karate was a pastime to take up if you were having problems with the neighbours. Paige Hareb (surfing), Jossi Wells (free skiing) and Christopher Rahardja (karate) may emerge one day, but their sports will always be emerging to some people. Golfer Danny Lee should have been the favourite for this award but must have been regarded as over-qualified.
Team of the Year
Question: Why didn't the NZRU, or any members of the 30-strong academy for that matter, nominate Robbie Deans' Super 14 winning Crusaders? Moving on, the Halbergs love the Olympics almost as much as they love rowing, so the Ever-Swindells should get safely home. They would be worthy winners, having fought back from a form slump to win their second Olympic gold in a thrilling race. The Kiwi league team, however, is a chance for another shock result, but it would be an even bigger shock if the All Blacks won, considering they had two notable defeats among last year's victories. The other finalist, the men's pursuit cycling team, did brilliantly by finishing third at the Olympics, which is where I reckon they will finish here.
Supreme Award
Valerie Vili. It's already written on a big round stone.
