Soccer: Armchair fan's guide to surviving the cup

Most New Zealanders will watch the action from their living rooms. Here's some tips for surviving the next month.

GET COMFORTABLE ...
Hey, we're talking 64 games in 30 days here. You don't want to suffer any self-inflicted leisure injuries. I'm a fan of the reclining armchair myself. If you go the sofa/couch route, make sure there is room for your legs.

... AND ALARMED
Find an appropriate alarm clock. They come in piercing, pesky and "Will somebody please turn that thing OFF!" But you'll need one for all those 2am and 6am starts.

THINK OF THE KIDS...
Yes, you will be tempted to scream and carry on like a banana, especially when the All Whites score. But remember others are sleeping.

... AND YOUR STOMACH
The keys to the midnight snack are simplicity and digestibility. Think cheese toasties, ice cream, nuts, chocolate cake and leftovers, washed down with a frothy hot chocolate.

STAY WARM
You can try to keep the fire going or add to your already obscene winter power bills by cranking up the heater. But nothing beats wrapping up in a big blanket with a hot water bottle at your feet.

ODDS IN YOUR FAVOUR
Throw a lazy tenner on (a) Spain to make the final @ $2.75, (b) a South American team to win the Cup @ $3, or (c) New Zealand to qualify for the second round @ $9. Leading scorers: I like Brazil's Luis Fabiano ($11) or Spain's Fernando Torres ($13). Stupidest betting option: total tournament corners (645 and under is the favourite @ $2.20).

THE COMMENTATORS
A welcome change from Mex, Smithy, Nisbo and Sumo. Keep an ear out for Martin Tyler, English football's finest. Cross your fingers for a lack of theatrics (Martin Devlin) or inane assessments (Fred de Jong, Dennis Katsanos and Harry Ngata) from New Zealand-based experts. And avoid Yahoo's David Beckham channel.

TONGUE-TWISTERS
Spend plenty of time on your pronunciation. Wrap your tongue around these: South African midfielder Siphiwe Tshabalala, Greece defender Socrates Papastathopoulos, Nigeria defender Danny Shittu, and Cameroon goalkeeper Guy Roland Ndy Assembe.

NICKNAMES
Learn who Bafana Bafana (South Africa), the Elephants (Ivory Coast), the Oranje (Netherlands), the Flea (Lionel Messi), the Rhino (Gennaro Gattuso) and El Nino (Fernando Torres) are.

KEEP EYE ON ARGENTINA
Because when Diego Maradona goes to a World Cup, crazy things happen.

LET THE CHANTS FLY
"There's Only One Rory Fallon". "All Whiiiitttes, Ole, Ole, Ole". "We All Dream Of A Team Of Ryan Nelsens". "White Here, White Now".

HOLLYWOOD
Officially, it's called "simulation" but rugbyheads will be in heaven when they see sissies clutching their faces and rolling on the ground. Fifa promises to crack down on the plague of diving.

NUMBER GAMES
4-4-2 and 3-4-3 and 4-2-3-1 are not some obscure code. They indicate the formation a team is playing, starting from the back.

GRUDGE MATCH I
Unquestionably England v US (tomorrow morning). Old v new. Fading power v super power. Arrogant assumption of superiority v ditto.

GRUDGE MATCH II
Brazil (1) and Portugal (3) share history, culture, a language and a hatred of losing to the other. Their group clash (June 26) will not be for the faint-hearted.

BALL IS ALWAYS IN PLAY!
Oooh, well spotted. There are no scrums, reset or otherwise, and no lineouts in soccer. So 90 minutes actually means 90 minutes.

REALISM. EMBRACE IT
Get excited, but remember the All Whites will be rank underdogs in every game they play. They won't win this World Cup. You know, just like the All Blacks.

JOY OF GOALS
Low scoring doesn't mean low excitement. Just like "celebrating 50 years of New Zealand television with a painful quiz show featuring so-called celebrities" doesn't mean two hours of entertainment.

EXCUSE ME
The most popular reason from those unable to clock in at work after a few late nights? Food poisoning, apparently. Dental appointments can also be convenient.

- Otago Daily Times