David Leggat: Is there a punchline to this joke (if it is one)?

Every so often a story surfaces which beggars belief. Take the Irene van Dyk-Shakers $1.45 million contract carry-on yesterday.

According to one of the Shakers' sponsors, van Dyk's agent, Louise Newcombe, upon receiving a proposal for van Dyk to return to the Wellington National Bank Cup franchise for an all-up $160,000 for two years, countered with an offer so absurd you'd imagine it was a prank.

Newcombe, according to sponsor Mike Mahoney, came back with nine conditions, including a $300,000 signing-on fee, guaranteed off-court earnings of at least $500,000 each year and $150,000 to go into Newcombe's pocket for her services and an office in Wellington. An initial thought occurred. If correct, this was the type of offer you make when you really don't want it to be accepted.

That is, something so outlandish that the interested party will lose interest.

And if they are barmy enough to accept, then the agent and client will figure the weight of cash will make it worth their while.

No netballer in this country is worth anything remotely like that. They are la-la-land numbers.

Even van Dyk, undoubtedly the best-known player on the planet and someone who has added plenty to the Silver Ferns and the game in this country since emigrating from South Africa, isn't worth it.

There's not enough money swishing round in the game for a start and how would the Shakers, for whom van Dyk played for three years before switching to Waikato Bay of Plenty Magic, have got a return on their hefty investment?

Van Dyk has always presented a sunny face to the world.

She's copped severe provocation on court, most notably from the Silver Ferns' only real rival, Australia, and kept her cool and been the world's finest shooter.

She's been named Sportswoman of the Year at the Halberg Awards and is widely admired as an admirable role model for the sport.

If the train of events is as Mahoney claims - and Newcombe issued only a vaguely worded statement which hardly amounted to a firm denial yesterday - the natural assumption is that van Dyk knew what numbers were being proposed for her services.

However, van Dyk last night claimed she didn't know the numbers, which makes this a distinctly odd agent-client relationship.

Maybe this whole thing is simply a giant joke and we've all missed the punchline.

* If you need any more information to assess what goes on in Wayne Rooney's mind, try this.

According to his girlfriend, the big-eared Manchester United star berated her over receiving a mysterious text from a bloke called Sam.

"What's going on, who's this flipping Sam," he roared.

She was eventually able to point out to bright Wayne that "Sam" was in fact 5am, the time a message lobbed into her phone.

True. I swear.

He might possess the brain of a bucket, but Rooney is some footballer, and that's why English soccer is presently transfixed with the state of his right foot.

Rooney broke the metatarsal bone against Chelsea last weekend and his chances of being fit for next month's World Cup in Germany are receding. With it, so are England's hopes of being a serious force heading up the Swannee.

(I know you want to know this: The metatarsal are the five bones running back from the toes. That is, the part that kicks the ball.)

Is Rooney that vital for England? Well, yes he is. He is one of a small handful of players who can swing a game. Thierry Henry of France and Arsenal, the gap-toothed Brazilian Ronaldinho and Rooney. That's about it.

Sure there are plenty of other outstanding footballers, but precious few who can do what a moment earlier had seemed the unthinkable.

Actually, England fans should be familiar with the old metatarsal. That's the same bone David Beckham broke in the leadup to the last World Cup in Korea and Japan four years ago. He was unfit, played badly and shouldn't have gone.

So how potty is England going over this? One newspaper suggested cutting milk out in schools during Margaret Thatcher's prime ministerial reign was the root cause, promoting brittle bones in youngsters. Yes, really.