Chris Rattue: Footie talent just itching for a good Knight

NEWS FLASH

Knights football coach John Adshead announces his recruitment plan was flawed because he failed to find a target man who can hold up the ball and give his strikers good service. (Drat, and double drat - it was looking so promising otherwise.)

SECOND NEWS FLASH

Former All Whites boss Mick Waitt says: "It's disappointing there are so few Kiwis. John Adshead talks about winning games being the most important thing but the Knights weren't set up only for that." (Cut your complaining Mick - one out of two ain't bad.)

So where can the Knights turn to, to end their Australian soccer league nightmare. Obviously not Napier or Waitakere. They'd lose far too many games with homegrown players.

Apart from reviving a sister club relationship with Chelsea - who are bound to welcome the move as they go for global domination - the Knights' remaining option is to plunge back into the market when the transfer window opens in January (sounds cool, eh).

So here's a list of willing candidates we've uncovered from a planet choc-a-bloc with footie talent. Get a few of these jokers on board and the Knights will start scoring like a premiership player in a London nightclub.

NEVILLE WILLIAMS

Captain of the legendary Dog 'n Cat pub team in London. Known as the "Ale House Rock" to adoring fans. Uncompromising target man who quit a 22-pints-a-day habit and took up Pilates to prolong his career. Missed chance of glory at Manchester United when cut for a youngster named Beckham, a classic story of football fate. Just itching for one last professional chance, even if it means giving up an idyllic lifestyle in Tooting Bec. If Williams signs, the Knights might also snare his long-time friend Timmy Thompson in the biggest coup in the club's history.

TIM THOMPSON

The Kidderminster Kid. Won an under-12 soccer tricks competition when aged six so great things were predicted for this only son of a Worcestershire wheel clamp maker.

Yet while others like Beckham reel in a fortune, marry pop stars and fill the tabloids, Thompson battles in lower leagues and sells Amway.

Works best as a lone striker so would be perfect in the 9-1 formation Adshead is understood to favour for next season.

The big question is this: will Knights owner Brian Katzen make the funds available to enable Adshead to strike for Thompson?

He won't come cheap, especially as he wants to keep the rent going on his Ealing bedsit.

MARCELO DEL FUEGO ROBERTO DE MONSTERANO-SMITH

Chilean dad, English mum. Would continue the Auckland club's remarkable Chilean and English connections - a groundbreaking two-for-one deal. De Monsterano-Smith, a midfield general, is the commanding figure in the Antofogasta second division. Service is his middle name.

BRIAN DE MONSTERANO-SMITH

Del Fuego's younger brother, and while not in the same class, observers are adamant the older de Monsterano-Smith plays better when his tough-nut sibling is around.

Labelled the "Chilean Chopper Harris" in his early 20s, but didn't kick on.

OSDIVAS RANTASNORAS

Flatmate of the de Monsterano-Smiths and a classy left-side defender known for his flamboyant headbands and performing extravagant backward somersaults to celebrate after making critical tackles.

A CAMEROON INTERNATIONAL

There's always one available.

MUDDLEDININHO

The name says it all. Brazilian brilliance - and languishing on the beach right now. Adshead has the videos - the question the club's fans should be asking is why hasn't he pounced?

DAVE SMITH

Englishman with impeccable credentials. Went to the same primary school as David Beckham, was the groundsman at Ryan Giggs' junior club, and had a trial for Watford alongside Trevor Brooking's former neighbour. On Reading's books as a youngster. Has an added advantage - compared to almost every other British footballer - in that he has never been questioned by the police. "A born target man," according to his agent. GEORGI "DIAMONDS" DIMITRI Melbourne friends laugh that "Diamonds" Dimitri can hold up anything. Just what Adshead needs. One of his associates, a guy with a very deep voice and a name sounding like Pyrros, rang the Herald to say it would be in our best interests to describe "Diamonds" as the "Georgi Bestos of the Southern Hemisphere". Fair enough. He's the Georgi Bestos of the Southern Hemisphere.

FREDDY CARLSSON

The "Organic Swede", Carlsson dedicates his life to football and worthy causes. Has bulged more onion bags than a French peasant during a stellar career in Stockholm. Celebrates goals by tearing off his shirt to reveal a tattoo covering his back which declares "Save the Wales" in Swedish. Unfortunately, thousands of the beautiful creatures have perished since the tat was last seen in public, but Carlsson has told friends the Knights would re-ignite his career. A sticking point - insiders believe the Knights would insist on a contract clause demanding Carlsson pays for his own shirts.

MICKY 'UNION' JACK

The Humberside Hammer. Mr 100 per cent.

His agent Tommy Tumbler said: "Micky's more target than a dart board".

Apart from having an agent with great lines, Jack has had a glittering career in the Foxtrot Alfa League. A huge call for Katzen and Adshead: do they plunge into their financial reserves and make a plunge for the Hammer during January, when they can plunge into the market while the transfer window is open? Might also involve a transfer wrangle with Bosman ruling ramifications and require mediation involving the Professional Football Players' Association.

Sure to dominate the headlines over Christmas.