Chris Cairns pictured outside Southwark Crown Court. Photograph By Chris Gorman
Chris Cairns pictured outside Southwark Crown Court. Photograph By Chris Gorman
Opinion by
A cricket newsletter from Beige Brigade HQ for New Zealand cricket fans who like a dose of optimism and a tablespoon of take the piss with their weekly cricket informational.
The dark, grey days of dark, grey Southwark Court filleting and casseroling the recent machinations of backroom cricket wheeling anddealing have continued this week.
It's surreal to think there have been sports fans heading along to lap up the lurid and dreary details in between pub lunches and World Cup rugby fixtures. It'd be hypocritical for me to object to this - I know I'd be there in my beige onesie.
Of course, that doesn't make it any less horrendous for most of the people involved - this is not why anyone plays the game, or at least why anyone starts out playing the game. The thing that has struck me most about the broad-shouldered Christopher Cairns ONZM striding around London like he's walking out to the slope at Lord's is that he's a man alone most of the time. Where's the family, the supporters, the friends?
My mate Reg reckons the Cairns perjury trial is reminiscent of a Catholic Mass, as confessions abound. Simon Doull "He's no fool" was in the reconciliation phase recently discussing how the courtroom saga had him revisiting the archives.
In Hobart in 1993 Doull mentioned that Cairns pulled out two minutes before the toss, thrusting the swing bowler into the XI unexpectedly and with a monstrous hangover from a devilish Tasmanian night on the Cascade lagers, finishing up at 5:30am. At the end of day one Australia were 329-2 with Boon unbeaten on 105 on the way to a team total of 544/6 (dec). Doull had 1-99 then scored 0 and 1 in what was then our biggest hiding in Test cricket. "It was all over in less than 20 hours", Wisden confirms.
Doull was jet-boating with Bollywood movie star Sidharth Malhotra last week, alongside Scott Styris and Stephen Fleming. They also choppered in for some snow cricket atop the freaking Isobel Glacier in Mount Aspiring National Park. 'Sid' is a tourism ambassador for New Zealand in India, a Bollywood hunk and a beautiful man with a technique screaming out for a batting sponsorship.
The Cricket Ben Smith didn't win a quarter-final in Cardiff but had a pretty decent weekend too, having monstered his best first-class score ever at Nelson Park in Napier: 244 off 368 balls and at the crease for 8 hours and 38 minutes. Ross Taylor is a man of his word as the Stags reported: "Ross Taylor told Ben Smith the day before the game he would buy him 1 Trinity Hill Magnum for 150 and 3 for 200..." Looks like they locked him in a toilet cubicle with an iPhone and left him to it.
Elsewhere in domestic cricket, it sounds like McDreamy Mitchell McClenaghan was fired up at the EPOO over the weekend. He dented Ronnie Hira's helmet, and when the Canterbury spin bowling opener returned to the crease after retiring hurt he faced another barrage: culminating in him ducking one ball, ramping the second for six, and then being castled for 25. Allegedly, Hira is known as the Phil Tufnell of the New Zealand cricketing scene.
From the WTF files, Andrew Flintoff is getting attention for his new book by telling a great yarn about being run out while batting for England because he could only 'hop' due to the effects of Viagra. YouTube colossus robelinda2 has found the footage too.
It started with an article my ex sold to the News of the World," Flintoff told the Daily Mail. "It wasn't very complimentary about my 'performance', if you get my meaning. So I decided I had to put that myth to bed even though I was in the middle of a Test match. I took three Viagra one night and didn't realise how long they lasted. Trying to bat the next day in that state was not easy. I was run out, simply because I couldn't move. I could only hop. It wasn't worth it, either. Complete waste of time."
East Sandringham president Jamie Ross said Shane Warne got in touch with the Victorian cricket club asking: "Have you got a spot for an old leggie who also slogs a bit?" Warne turned out for the club again at the weekend, almost four decades after his first appearance. Cricket Australia had comprehensive coverage. Importantly, Warne was bowling on the RG Chisholm Reserve artificial pitch and dented a coffee van whilst slogging.
However Warne was nowhere to be seen when the Victorian state side, led by new coach David Saker, did some resilience training involving days without food or sleep in a gruelling pre-season camp in rural Victoria. "We would have competitions where people would swim or run or canoe or build things and if they did that, we would give them food," he said. "If they did something wrong they would lose that food. One team won four steaks and at that stage four steaks were like gold dust to them. Then we found they had cheated in one of their competitions so they lost their food."
Quote of the week: Mark Vermeulen sort of apologises for making racist comments on Facebook: "I know my comments were over the top and I apologise to all that I have offended. But as a cricketer, it's how our minds work....I end by apologising again to all who I have offended, but remember, this is just a game where the opposition will try anything to make you lose your concentration so as to take your wicket."
BUY, LISTEN, WATCH
Buy:Monopoly cricket edition, approx. $75: "Tour the world for famous cricket grounds. Invest in stands and media centres, then watch the rent come pouring in." Eden Park makes the cut - in the reasonably illustrious Covent Garden position. I'd have had The Basin in there.
Listen: BYC Podcast - The Astle Viagra Buttock Episode includes discussion about Stephen Hotter's high performance and injuries, Gavin Larsen's inspiring words for The Neesh and Alaister's Battler XI to get amongst the Sachin Blasters and Warne Warriors.
Watch:
Dale Steyn tries to break a Go-Pro camera from 22 yards away. "Boom!"
Paul Ford is a co-founder of the Beige Brigade, and one-seventh of the Alternative Commentary Collective. You can email him here beigehq@beigebrigade.co.nz.
