KEY POINTS:
Adam Parore was wrong. Jesse Ryder isn't too fat to play international cricket - he's too stupid.
The latest enfant terrible of New Zealand sport, Ryder's journey from troubled talent to cult hero to village idiot took about two weeks.
Ryder-watchers won't have been surprised by either his success on the field - he scored 196 runs at an average of 49 during his debut series against England - or his immediate fall from grace off it.
Ryder has long displayed the talent to succeed on the international cricket stage. But he has an equally extended track record of exhibiting the sort of personality flaws and lack of intelligence that make him sure to fail off it. Not turning up for an international match (albeit to represent Ireland) takes some beating, although staying at a pub until 1.30am the night before a series-deciding match when you have been an international cricketer for all of five minutes is right up there.
It's the sort of behaviour that makes for great pub yarns, which is fortunate, as pubs seem to be places Jesse The Lad likes to frequent.
To be fair, most of his indiscretions - even cutting his hand in career-threatening fashion on the way to the bogs at 5.30am - fall into the same category: young bloke, had a few too many, behaved poorly. Be ashamed, but not too ashamed, because being a rebel, breaking the mould, is actually kind of cool.
For a would-be professional sportsman, it's unacceptable behaviour (unless of course you are really, really good). For most New Zealanders in their late teens or 20s, it's just another night out.
Abusing hospital staff and intimidating other patients at A&E, however, crosses that line. Those actions suggest that, beneath the veneer of Jesse the Lad, actually lurks Jesse the Tosser.
To his credit, an apologetic Ryder didn't blame the booze at a press conference yesterday. He didn't think he had a drinking problem but he did admit he had "issues". Self-diagnosis is all the rage these days, but Ryder's seems spot on.
New Zealand Cricket have to accept their share of responsibility. Ryder's "issues" were no secret. An organisation that has oodles of experience dealing with spoiled brats doesn't appear to have had any plans in place to ensure Ryder got through his big night out unscathed.
And its attempt to downplay the extent of Ryder's actions was equally ham-fisted. CEO Justin Vaughan said the incident had prompted the organisation to review its player protocols.
Changing player protocols to accommodate 23-year-old drunken idiots is an interesting way forward. Altering selection protocols to exclude such types would seem far more sensible.
But professional sport is the one workplace that tends to overlook idiocy. Sure, Ryder wasn't at his workplace when he hurt himself, but nor will he be back there any time soon.
Sport, however, is inconsistent in the way it applies mercy - the better you are, the more mercy you get. Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne are among a host of highly-talented recipients. But Ryder isn't, and never will be, in their class.
He can count himself lucky that he performed as well as he did against England. If he hadn't looked like being one half of the solution to a long-standing opening batting dilemma, Jesse the Outlaw would be Jesse the Outcast by now.
During his demands for preferential treatment from staff in the early hours of Sunday morning at Christchurch hospital, the bleeding Ryder is alleged to have uttered the immortal words "don't you know who I am"?
Assuming the guy has some humility, it is ironic that when he steps out in public in the weeks ahead, he'll be hoping the answer to that question is "no".
At least he should be.
