Chris Rattue: From Black Cap rankings to McGrath

Shane Warne is a lot smarter than he sounds. Photo / Getty Images

Another summer of cricket is roaring past. Here are a few observations so far.

1. New Zealand's test ranking of eight (out of eighth proper teams) is thoroughly deserved. If we can't see off this B-grade Pakistan team at home, then all hope is lost. Bangladesh will be hunting the Black Caps down in the rankings given a fair chance.

2. New Zealand groundsmen still don't know what the words hard and bouncy mean. The pitch in Hamilton would go nicely with a feather duvet and a well-fluffed pillow.

3. New Zealand still do not have proper opening batsmen. Mind you, nor do Australia - although we'd still probably take theirs over ours.

4. Aussie keeper turned commentator Ian Healy is a wonderful humanitarian, as shown when he intimated that the Ashes pale in significance against the ravages of a flood. Get that bloke a job at the UN. Then again, methinks Healy may have downplayed the Ashes a touch because he just couldn't get his head around Australia getting its arse kicked by England like it's never been kicked before. The memory seems to recall that Australia's resounding victories of old were greeted with a touch more reverence, jubilation and all-round enthusiasm from out of the Aussie commentary box.

5. Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton couldn't have made sliding after a ball look funnier than Chris Martin did in Hamilton. Was Martin invaded by a poltergeist perhaps? Or did someone tie his shoelaces together? If so, that's a mean trick. So thunderous was his landing that crockery is said to have fallen off shelves in Spain. Generous estimates suggest he did manage - just - to get within two metres of the ball before it trickled across the boundary rope. For those who missed Martin's triple tuck with nine and a half pikes and a degree of difficulty beyond mortal imagination, think Evel Knievel without the bike, but with three too many buses.

6. Remind us why Iain O'Brien suddenly quit just as his test career was taking off? I for one really miss his pinpoint deliveries, in his daily blogs that is. Let's launch a "Bring Back Iain" campaign. He'd fire up the bowling and also significantly strengthen the tailend batting (impossibly strange but sadly true).

7. World cricket is run by India and Indian cricket is run by Sachin Tendulkar so the story goes, meaning we will have to wait until the great man retires before umpire-assisting technology can be introduced worldwide. Fair enough. What is everyone complaining about? Some of the highest-profile sports are one-man bands: Don King, Bernie Ecclestone, et al.

8. World cricket must take Australia's decline seriously and send in relief aid to save the game from collapse in that great land. Cricket is askew now that Australia are playing even worse than we used to play. Time for us to dig deep - New Zealand should open up places in Plunket Shield teams for budding Australian players, to help their development. Failing that, Australia could send B teams on tour here. Oh, that's right, they already do that.

9. Shane Warne is a lot smarter than he sounds. Warnie will rub charcoal on his teeth and chuck his mobile phone away before making a comeback with the present Aussie mob.

10. Where would Aussie cricket be today but for sledging? Answer: In awful strife.

11. From the appearances-are-deceptive file: Jesse Ryder is a freaky cricketer who must have a tremendous eye. He took a fabulous catch in the gully yesterday. The Aussie walrus David Boon had a similar build and he used to take miraculous catches close to the wicket.

12. From the spooky-but-true file: National Bank cricket ambassador Shane Bond sounds as though he is channelling a predecessor, Gavin Larsen, in his commentary content and style. This, by the way, is not a good thing.

13. The Sky commentary team is very good, but not the same without Martin Crowe, our best analyst by far. As for Grant "Nisbo" Nisbett, though: Does the man ever rest? Nisbo is the Sonny Bill Williams of commentary, with a steadfast commitment to boxing on over summer. With the You Know What coming up this year (hint, there are only two million, seven hundred thousand, nine hundred and three point five seconds to go until kickoff), surely Nisbo would have given the vocal cords a break over summer.

14. Not that he was under any illusions, but John Wright will be getting the picture about now.

15. If all these experts know so much about reverse swing, how come our bowlers can't even do normal swing?

16. What have the English cricketers done so wrong? For sure, they got a historic match ball from umpire Billy Bowden, but why no hugs?

17. This column has inside information that Glenn McGrath believes Australia will win the next Ashes series by 43-0.