Before this series started, Ben Stokes told the world that any ex-players who criticised England or had a different opinion were “has-beens” because Test cricket had changed and the past was irrelevant.
Well, from this has-been the message is simple: when you keep throwing away Test matches by doing the same stupid things, it is impossible to take you seriously.
They never learn, because they never listen to anyone outside their own bubble, because they truly believe their own publicity.
Now it has bitten them in an Ashes Test, the biggest challenge of all and unless they mount a spectacular comeback, they will regret it for a very long time.
It is simple. Brainless batting and bowling lost England the match. A 40-run lead on a fast, bouncy, low-scoring pitch was huge and, with Ben Duckett and Ollie Pope together at one stage, England were in charge at effectively 100 for one. But as exciting as this England team can be, they are always only a blink of an eye away from self-destruction.
Duckett got a good ball but Pope gave it away for the second time in this match, driving at a very wide ball outside off stump. How can he not realise it is a sucker ball tempting him to do something daft?
England were still in a great position and crying out for someone to occupy the crease with common-sense batting. In comes Harry Brook. Three balls and he flashes on the up at a wide ball and is gone for nought. And to make it worse, England’s best batsman, Joe Root, couldn’t stop himself from trying an extravagant drive on the up at Mitchell Starc going across him with his hands well away from his body. Inside edge and bowled.
Stokes got a good ‘un from Starc and in no time at all England had gone from euphoria to the depths of despair. They lost the initiative and momentum had swung to Australia in the time it takes to make a cup of tea.
Chasing balls away from your body on fast, bouncy pitches is fraught with danger. It’s like Russian roulette. Save those shots for low, slow surfaces where the odds are in a batsman’s favour. When the Aussies get stuck for a wicket all they have to do is go fishing. Dangle the bait and wait for a bite. Our lot can’t resist.
But it was still all to play for. History is littered with plenty of teams batting last in low-scoring matches and failing to get smallish totals. England had to come out all guns firing. What did we get?
England’s fastest and nastiest bowler Jofra Archer in the first innings bowled some fearsome balls that leapt at the batsmen from a length, making life uncomfortable for everyone who faced him.
This time he could hardly raise a gallop. His pace was down and in no time at all, Travis Head was smacking him about as if he was a spinner. Only two days and two innings into this series and with four Test matches to go, Archer looked jaded. He could not get up to top speed. It was embarrassing to watch Head standing like a baseball batter and smashing him around the park.
Mark Wood was innocuous. Because he is small and delivers from a low position, he did not get any bounce. Bounce with pace is unsettling at Perth and he didn’t have it. Gus Atkinson and Brydon Carse tried hard but all four of the fast bowlers bowled far too short to start with and kept bowling short.
The Australians played nearly every ball off the back foot and when England did pitch it up, it was too full and easy to drive. Where was the nagging just-short-of-a-length that gets batsmen in two minds about whether to go back or play forward?
Why was the England captain, Ben Stokes, allowing this to carry on? Once Head got momentum, England lost the plot and then got sucked into bowling bouncer after bouncer.
Yes, they had some success in the first innings at the Australian tail but as a bowler and as a captain you have to be flexible. Difficult moments in a match call for batsmen, bowlers and captains to think on their feet. Sadly, our guys have only one way of doing things.
One down, England now have to play catch-up cricket. To have any chance of winning, the top six have to do better and stop giving their wickets away. Every innings some of the batsmen will get dismissed to good balls because Australia have good bowlers. That’s cricket.
In the first innings, Root couldn’t do much about his dismissal and when that happens you just have to put your hand up and accept it. In the second innings, Stokes got a beauty.
But Zak Crawley got out to two shockers. A first-innings waft and a second-innings firm-push caught-and-bowled. Stokes, in the first innings, played a push drive to the wrong length and was bowled. In the first innings, Brook batted beautifully then gave it away. In the second innings, Pope, Brook and Root were all guilty of going after wide balls so out of 12 top-order dismissals 50% were their own fault.
Bazball, bad judgment, overconfidence, whatever the reason, it makes winning matches difficult. Against top teams like India and Australia, it is a huge factor in losing.