Australian batsmen Mitchell Marsh, left, and Steve Smith. Photo / AP.
Australia dominated day three of the Third Test in Perth to leave England on the ropes in this Ashes series.
Steve Smith and Mitchell Marsh's unchallenged, monotonous pile of runs on a lifeless Waca deck means there was more action off the field then on it on Saturday.
Here are all the big talking points from a memorable day in Perth.
WARNIE'S PICK-UP STITCH-UP
According to the larrikin Triple M Ashes commentary team, it's the first time Shane Warne has struck out on the pick-up bar scene in 18 months.
In the Spin King's defence, the hilarious episode re-told during the radio station's coverage of day three of the Third Test was not in anyway the cricket legend's fault.
Warnie was supposedly out on a night out at Perth hotspot after play on day two of the final Ashes Test to be played at the Waca with former English star batsman Kevin Pietersen, where they were joined by an unlikely third party.
While the two superstars were apparently enjoying their conversation with Triple M footy and cricket statistician Ash Chua, it's a conversation the Spin King at least would come to regret.
Channel 10 sports presenter and Triple M cricket commentator Mark Howard described the popular radio figure's hilarious, accidental sabotage of Warne's bar room flirtations when in commentary with Aussie cricket great Kerry O'Keeffe and former England international Isha Guha.
Howard described Chua's unfortunate vibe-killer as the first time Warnie has struck out on the pick-up scene since he became single.
Dear silly press people who continue to print BS. Here’s the truth as I’ve said previously. I haven’t been in a relationship since Sept 2014 am not currently seeing anybody & I haven’t even been on one single date in that time - so please stop writing that I have-as you’re wrong
— Shane Warne (@ShaneWarne) December 13, 2017
Howard claims Warnie and two women on the other side of the bar were eyeing each other off before Chua killed the mood with his dodgy chat, which went down like a led balloon with the two unidentified women.
Howard's version of the story adamantly claims there was nothing more to the story than Warnie innocently chatting to two women and it makes it clear that both Chua and Pietersen (who are both married), were only involved as wingmen for the Aussie test legend.
Here's a transcript of the radio segment:
Mark Howard: I didn't want to go down this path. We have to focus on the cricket, but I'm under pressure and legal have said, 'You can go with it'. So I'll try and explain what happened this over.
Kerry O'Keeffe: Normally if they're alive, be careful. You can attack them if they're dead and he will be dead if there's confirmation.
MH: Chua has got a beautiful wife. There's no thought of anything untoward happening last night. Mrs Chua, if you're listening, turn the radio off now. OK, from what I'm told, two of the biggest in the jungle, Warne and Pietersen were at the bar last night. Kevin also has a beautiful wife, nothing untoward happening there. Shane, a single man, was keeping an eye on a couple of girls over the other side of the bar and they were waving and saying hello. Chua was on the espresso martinis at that stage, which is always a concern for me, Kerry.
KO: And everybody. Espresso martinis. Shaken not stirred?
MH: So, after a couple of espresso martinis the boys are in discussions. Chua was in discussions with Warne and Pietersen, which is incredible on its own. Warnie was eyeing these ladies off and Chua said, I quote, "Boys, leave it to me". To Warne and Pietersen! "I'll open the door for you Shane". To the king! At this point, our man sidles down to these two ladies unannounced and introduces himself as the premier statistician on the planet. Two days, two nights, premier statistician in North Melbourne. And I'm told the conversation was a little bit scratchy so Chua went for some extra information and delved into his phone and apparently was showing them videos of the new Perth Stadium. To keep them entertained!
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Isha Guha: Oh no.
MH: The end result, apparently, is the first time Warnie has missed out in a year and a half.
Ash Chua: Howie, I thought that was going to be the trump card.
IG: The Perth Stadium in all its glory.
MH: What did you say Chua when you pulled out the phone?
AC: I reckon I covered off about 27 different topic in about 27 minutes. I was scraping the barrel. Actually, I think they asked if I'd been to the Perth Stadium.
IG: The best line of the day, though guys, was our producer (Brad McNamara). We were repeating the story and Brad McNamara comes out with, "It's like telling (Sir Donald) Bradman to stay at the non-striker's end".
KO: Leave this to me, Don.
MH: We only came to this information this morning when Shane came to speak to us and said, "I haven't heard your statistician speak for three years and he was in fine form last night".
Howard then went on to jokingly suggest Pietersen was "in awe" of the popular stats man when he walked into the Triple M commentary box on day three.
😂😂 @KP24 has walked into our box to address statsman Ash Chua. What happened last night?! pic.twitter.com/80zBZMEild
— Triple M Cricket (@triplemcricket) December 16, 2017
‘I’ve got this’ - our stats man Ash Chua tried to be a wingman for @ShaneWarne last nighthttps://t.co/poUXuFG8Yu pic.twitter.com/XjnR3eT458
— Triple M Cricket (@triplemcricket) December 16, 2017
Chua's cold sabotage wasn't the only embarrassing story told at the Waca on day three. Former Aussie captain Mark Taylor also revealed his most "embarrassing" story in cricket during the lunch break.
Taylor told Channel 9 he walked out to bat after forgetting to grab his protective box and became a laughing stock when he sheepishly had to call out to the Aussie dressing room to bring it out to the middle as England fast bowler Devon Malcolm was waiting to bowl the first ball of the Gabba Test in 1990.
"I think Devon Malcolm was opening the bowling and I walked out to bat," Taylor said.
"I might have even been opening with you Slats (he said to Michael Slater). I took guard, marked my line and then had a look around and as you do — a bit like Steve Smith — you fidget.
"You fiddle with everything and I reached down to sort of make sure that the box was feeling OK and I realised I left the box off. What do I do? Do I face the first over out and then go and get my box? I thought no, that's not a good idea.
"I had to stop the game, call for the box. I had to give the signal and then everyone at the ground has started laughing. Then they ran it out. I'm sure Chappelli (Ian Chappell), Greggy (Tony Greig), Bill (Lawry), they would have all loved it. They're thinking, 'Look at this idiot, he's forgot his box'."
What was Mark Taylor's most embarrassing cricket moment? 😂 😂 #9TheCricketShow pic.twitter.com/zWh4iiqCkp
— Wide World of Sports (@wwos) December 16, 2017
CAN ENGLAND PULL OFF A RAIN DANCE
This Ashes series is still alive if England can somehow find a way to salvage a draw out of the Third Test.
They are going to get help too from expected showers predicted to his the Waca across the final two days of the Test.
The Bureau of Meteorology has forecast up to 20mls could fall on Perth on Sunday and Monday, giving England a chance to pull off a great escape.
The Bureau is forecasting a 95 per cent chance of rain in Perth on Sunday with a rainfall of 4-10mls and a top temperature of 20C.
The forecast is exactly the same for the final day on Monday.
The gloomy forecast may put pressure on the decision by Aussie captain Steve Smith not to put England back in to bat in the final overs on day three — instead of batting on to put Australia into the commanding position of 4/549 and a lead of 146 runs at stumps.
If it doesn’t rain, I’m afraid to say it’s #Ashes to Australia.
— Kevin Pietersen🦏 (@KP24) December 16, 2017
Biggest difference in teams - pace bowlers!
500 & plenty is looking on here we may have to 🙏🏾 for that rain which is forecast tomorrow 😳☔️☔️ #ashes
— Alex Tudor (@alextudorcoach) December 16, 2017
STEVE SMITH'S INCREDIBLE SERIES OF RECORDS
Steve Smith's innings at the Waca caused cricket statisticians to go into meltdown on Saturday.
Here a list of the records he set with his knock of 229 unbeaten on day three:
— Smith's haul of 5786 test runs (at the time he was 229 not out) gave him the most test runs across any other batsman in cricket in their first 108 test innings. Sir Garfield Sobers previously held the record. Sir Donald Bradman only played 52 tests.
— He bettered his own previous high score in test cricket when he topped his knock of 215 against England at Lord's in 2015.
— He is just the fourth player to score multiple double hundreds in Ashes tests.
Smith's 2nd Ashes 200. He's the fourth player to score two (or more) Ashes double hundreds.
— Andy Zaltzman (@ZaltzCricket) December 16, 2017
Also:
Bobby Simpson 2
Wally Hammond 4
Don Bradman 8.
Overrated, that Bradman. #YouAreOnlyAsGoodAsYourLastInnings
— Smith brought up his 22nd test hundred in the third fewest number of innings out of every batsman in test cricket. Smith scored his 22nd Test century in just 108 innings, quicker than Sachin Tendulkar's (114). Only Sir Donald Bradman (58) and Sunil Gavaskar (101) have scored 22 Test hundreds in fewer innings than the Aussie skipper.
— Smith has now scored 1000 runs in four straight calendar years — becoming just the second batsman ever to achieve such a streak. Matthew Hayden is the only other batsman to do it when he went five straight years with more than 1000 runs from 2001-05.
— Smith's innings set a new record for the most runs scored by an Aussie against England at the Waca when he eclipsed Ian Redpath's score of 171 in 1970.
— Smith became the second-quickest Aussie batsman to reach 22 test hundreds.
Tests to reach 22 tons (Aust):
— Adam Burnett (@AdamBurnett09) December 16, 2017
S Waugh 127
Langer 93
Border 91
Ponting 88
Clarke 88
G Chappell 79
Hayden 73
STEVE SMITH 59
Bradman 38#Ashes
ENGLAND'S MISERABLE DEMORALISATION
THE signs were there on day three to suggest England has already raised a white flag this series.
Captain Joe Root was unable to find a spark to stop Steve Smith and Mitchell Marsh batting them out of the game. The day started with the game very much in the balance. It ended with the Ashes series all but over and Root's captaincy facing some blunt questions.
The signs that England's resistance is crumbling included the moment James Anderson refused to jog to the fence and pick up a four his by Steve Smith — he instead yelled out for a photographer to throw it back out to the middle from the fence. There were also moments where England's drinks-break huddles were attended by as little as seven players, while others ran off to look after themselves during the short breaks in play.
England's bowlers have been fingered as the biggest problem.
James Anderson, Stuart Broad, Chris Woakes and Craig Overton were branded "too similar" to each other as they toiled away in a one-dimensional attack on day three.
None of England's four quicks are express pace and their three-quarter pace seamers were found wanting on the flat Waca deck.
"I think they set out with a feeling of resignation this morning," BBC cricket commentator Simon Hughes said.
"It was too defensive. There was a feeling of inevitability about how the day unfolded."
Former England captain Michael Vaughan said the series showed that the urn is all but lost for England.
"It's gone. It has gone," he said.
"England aren't winning this Ashes series. They'll find it very difficult to get out of this game without it raining."
Xavier Treacy arrived as an unknown but has quickly made a name for himself.