Gareth Chilcott is the ultimate professional. Ask for a photo and he opens those eyes wide, pastes a smile on that baby face that seems as though it's for you alone, and "click" you have the pic - and Chilcott has you hooked.
And it doesn't just work for men
who admire the former Lions prop's strength, rugby pedigree and astounding courage; it works for women too.
This tour, Chilcott, with his knotted cauliflower ear, bullet head and comfy-looking beer belly, is Gullivers corporate director on the cruise ship Pacific Sun.
They call him "Coochie", and it is his job to amuse the company's 1200 Lions supporters by dreaming up onboard footie action. And he loves it.
"I'm a social animal, I like people," says Chilcott.
His job: arranging for All Black stars like Ian Jones and Sean Fitzpatrick to pep up the captain's cocktail party, which they appear to do with alacrity.
Once they arrive it's Chilcott who meets and greets the famous. Chilcott who shares the beers and the anecdotes. Chilcott, the actor and former pantomime star, who gets them going on stage.
The idea is to give fans the New Zealand perspective on how the Lions are going to go, he says in his lilting West Country accent.
"Rugby is one of the great sports, no matter what level it's played at," he says. "And for me the chance to come and watch my passion, which of course, is rugby ... " He raises a black eyebrow and pauses to let the sheer serendipity of his career choice sink in. "I'm very, very lucky."
Last time Coochie was in the New Zealand papers was 12 years ago, during the last Lions Tour in 1993.
Although Chilcott was not one of the flashier standout players, the big man became famous anyway.
He recalled the incident in the Guardian two years ago: "A group went white-water rafting after a huge downpour, when the river was wild and dangerous. A tree had washed down the river the night before and blocked the entrance to this set of rapids. We hit the tree and capsized and it was every man for himself."
But the mighty front rower - voted the sixth-dirtiest player in the world by Rugby magazine - turned noble in a crisis. "I was lucky to find a branch to hold on to till help came, and I hung on to a Spaniard who was in the same predicament. I wouldn't call me particularly brave - it's surprising what you do when you're scared. I'll never get in a white-water raft again."
Not for Coochie the arguing with the ref kind of play. West Country style, he lives with his mistakes and misdemeanours. "We call it babyassin' ... I've made my bed, I've got to lie on it ... if you got sent off you got sent off." Which may have something to do with the reaction of the fans on his floating rugby hotel to the All Blacks' test victories.
"I think the fans are disappointed," he says. "We felt we did better [in the second test] - at least we played with a bit of spirit. But New Zealand was by far the better side. But we are most disappointed by the way we handled ourselves off the field - the management and coaches."
Maybe they need a lesson in babyassin'.
Gareth 'Coochie' Chilcott has to keep 1200 rugby fans amused. Picture / Mark Mitchell
Gareth Chilcott is the ultimate professional. Ask for a photo and he opens those eyes wide, pastes a smile on that baby face that seems as though it's for you alone, and "click" you have the pic - and Chilcott has you hooked.
And it doesn't just work for men
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