Chaps, it's just not cricket

James Pattinson's spurned appeals are met with disbelief by the bowler. Photo / Getty Images

It's a long summer of cricket - even though there's been sod-all test cricket played in New Zealand so far - but Andrew Alderson has already found a First XI of Things Cricket Could Happily Consign To The Rubbish Bin. Chaps, it's just not cricket

1. The Vodafone Viewers' Verdict

First this system was used to decide the man of the match in the New Zealand- Australia test series; then in the third Australia-India test in Perth, Vodafone asked its audience: Who would you rather see in a mankini? They gave some Channel Nine commentary team options. A bemused Tony Greig was the eventual 'victor' but more importantly who is voting on such things? Surely test cricket and the audience deserve better. Okay, there needs to be light and shade in the box but give me Henry Blofeld waxing lyrical about the habitats of seagulls any day over the imaginary prospect of 65-year-old Greig strapping on a Borat-inspired lime green one-piece.

2. Flamboyant century scoring etiquette

Centurions are now running down the pitch with the choreographed intent of English Premier League goal scorers. They leap, pirouette, kiss the badges on their helmets, hug their batting partners and generally stymie the over rate. Please cease this headless chook carry-on . . . there are more runs to be scored. A cynic would suggest it's done for the highlights reel. Chaps, by all means celebrate, a test century is a significant milestone, but whatever happened to raising your bat to your teammates, perhaps your family and then the crowd. If you're feeling particularly chuffed, maybe accept a handshake from the man at the other end.

3. Excessive appealing

The Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle routine starts when the bowler, let's call him James Pattinson, thinks he's got an LBW or an edge. On he wails with his team as a backing chorus, each dispatch seeming to raise an octave in sync with their sense of disbelief. Pattinson was a culprit against India when umpire Marais Erasmus had to give him a warning at the end of an over. By all means give your first - and only - Howzat! plenty of vim (offer a Hadlee crouch if you have to) but then stiffen the upper lip and stride back to your mark. Don't linger and stamp your feet like a little girl.

4. Television commentary superlatives and hyberbole

There are too many "amazing, brilliant, superb, exciting, fantastic" cricket shots occurring of late. If someone blasts a cover drive which takes a nanosecond to get to the fence, tell the audience why it happened because cricket fans can see it was amazing, brilliant, superb, exciting and/or fantastic. Any percentage effort over 100 (110 being the most common) also needs the axe. Certainly it is difficult to police language in a live commentary situation but less is generally more. The master remains 81-year-old Richie Benaud. He almost always adds to the picture.

5. Glossy white sweaters

Rather than players looking like they've jogged out of an advertisement for American health insurance, let's get back to cream woollen knitwear if chilly weather envelops the park. England, India and New Zealand test sides have ventured down this dreadful white-sweatered path, while Australia hold firm. Sure, the gleaming polyester vest might do wonders for your perspiration and respiration but nothing says "I'm going to bat three sessions" like a cabled sleeveless pullover.

6. Limited overs wides

If a batsman chooses to edge across to the off or legside to dazzle with a premeditated or resourceful shot rather than play the ball on its merits, that is fine; but don't punish the bowler if he adapts his delivery. Sure, the ball has to be within hitting distance of the batsman in a normal stance but if the bowler cramps him by bowling towards leg or has him stretching further to off, don't give a wide because he didn't deliver it in a convenient hitting slot. It's cricket, not rounders.

7. Butt patting and glove touching

The Australians are the chief culprits. A bowler just has to finish an over and they're swamped with well-wishers zeroing in with a firm hand to the gluteus maximus or coccyx. Steady on. Whatever happened to doffing the Baggy Green or putting one's hands together for brief applause. Sure, it's probably not going to be heard in front of a full MCG but the tactile approach is a trifle extreme. The same goes for the matey glove punch (sometimes between balls). How about just walking out to square leg to collect your thoughts instead?

8. Opposition to the Decision Review System

The Indian juggernaut opposing the DRS rankles. In an age where viewers have more information at their disposal than the umpire, this is a dinosaur stance. Two unsuccessful reviews per team per innings adds rather than detracts from the cricket. Most love the drama plus it increases the accuracy of decisions. Sure, at local club level we can still moan about being fired LBW when we got an inside edge but, when the big bucks are at stake both salary, selection and sponsorship-wise, you need the most accurate appraisal possible. Unfortunately, the human eye being what it is, that is not always going to come from the umpire.

9. "He doesn't normally drop those."

Witness a dropped catch and this cliche is generally lurking. The reality is anyone (even the reliable hands of Ricky Ponting and Michael Hussey) are capable of putting down the odd catch. No one has Alcatraz hands. The odd ball will always get out.

10. The forward lean before delivery

A new scourge in test matches courtesy ofTwenty20's influence. A batsman's weight moves on to the front foot and the bowler seizes the initiative and pitches short. The batsman loses the split second they need when the ball is fired in at speeds of 140km/h plus and don't have time to get on the back foot comfortably. Take David Warner (on 80) in his 69-ball century, the fastest by a test opener. A Umesh Yadav bouncer crashed into his left ear as he leant forward before going back to pull. Fortunately, he was okay and kept plundering the Indian attack - but it was a warning.

11. Channel Nine flogging sports memorabilia

Does anyone actually buy this stuff? How memorable is it to have the latest framed offering of the six Australian test triple centurions (A$595 plus $45 delivery) on your wall in the pool room? There are 329 available in relation to the number of runs Michael Clarke scored at the SCG and - as a bonus - his genuine signature is also present. If it was the bat he used or the ball he stroked so regularly to the fence, it might hold more significance - but a framed wall hanging as an investment? C'mon.