Bastareaud reveals he tried to kill himself after telling NZ lies

Mathieu Bastareaud. Photo / NZPA

Troubled French rugby player Mathieu Bastareaud tried to kill himself in 2009, after lying about being beaten up in New Zealand, he has revealed in a candid autobiography that describes his battle with alcoholism and depression.

Bastareaud, who was 20 at the time, lied about an alleged assault in Wellington after France's 14-10 defeat by the All Blacks. Police investigated the incident for several days until Bastareaud admitted he made it up.

The centre, who plays for French club Toulon, details the incident in his new book TÊTE HAUTE: Confessions d'un enfant terrible du rugby, or Head High: Confessions of an enfant terrible of rugby.

The book also covers his suicide attempt in the weeks following the incident.

He went out drinking after France's 14-10 loss to the All Blacks, and returned to his room "in a not very glorious state", he writes.

"Then, wanting to take off my clothes, I lose my balance. I stagger and, awkwardly, I collapse on the floor with all my weight. In my fall, I smash the room's night table.

"The shock is terrible. I bleed a bit. It hurts. My left cheekbone is exploded. But overall, I panic."

Young, afraid and not wanting to ruin his career, he found teammate Alexis Palisson and they woke their team doctor to stitch his wounds.

"He asked me how I [got] this injury. I should have confessed I was drunk, but I'm not proud of my behaviour and I am afraid to face sanctions. I am a coward.

"So, instead of telling the truth and trusting management, I am going to develop a lie that will have heavy consequences."

Bastareaud said felt very guilty about lying, but had gone too far with it to turn back.

"I'm not proud of myself. I have been dishonest, I lied, I betrayed guys."

Bastareaud then returned to France where he began to drink heavily, became depressed and tried to commit suicide, after seeing a website on which anonymous people criticised him.

"I jumped up and walked to the kitchen. I took a big knife and slit my veins. I immediately collapsed on the floor, fainting.

"My friends in the living room got it immediately. They saw the knife, the blood, and me lying on the floor, unconscious. They called emergency services immediately."

He was kept in hospital with severe psychological troubles.

"I don't know if I really wanted to die. I wanted to suffer. Suffer to punish myself," he writes.

"When you hear everywhere all day long that you are just a loser, that you don't deserve to be there ... You try to keep a cool attitude but you begin to believe what people say ... I smiled in public but, as soon as I came back home, I was alone."

With the help of a psychologist, his mental health has improved and he is training with the French team preparing for the Rugby World Cup in England in September.

The scandal made headlines across New Zealand and France with Prime Minister John Key saying at the time that he hoped the incident would not tarnish New Zealand's reputation.

Soon after, the then French Prime Minister Francois Fillon wrote to John Key to apologise for Bastareaud's "unacceptable behaviour".