ANY GIVEN MONDAY
The only memorable thing about Kane Williamson's second test double-century was the sheer inevitability of it all.
If that sounds like damning with faint praise, it's really the opposite. It takes a special kind of skill to be so good at what you do that the extraordinary becomes ordinary.
Williamson is extraordinary. He's a brilliant batsman and an appalling salesman.
Every time he opens his mouth he sells himself short. It's contagious, too. Every time a Black Cap is asked to talk about themselves it is like they're being timed to see how quickly they can refer back to the team or the environment.
(Occasionally, it should be acknowledged, Williamson's reticence to say anything remotely provocative or enlightening sells his sport short, but that's an argument for another day.)
Asked to talk about a 100 and Williamson will demur with a "nice to spend some time in the middle" answer that never rises above a dull monotone.
Asked to analyse a test victory in which he plays the lead role in a 700-plus total and he'll say "the bowlers were outstanding throughout".
Ask him to talk about New Zealand's elevation to No 2 in the world rankings, achieved in no small part because of his leadership and batting and he'll say: "You turn up in every game to play the best cricket. It ends there."
Except it doesn't end there. Not for the fans. Not for the media. We want to keep talking about the ease, the sheer bloodlessness, of Williamson's feat; he wants to keep talking about Neil Wagner.
So, in acknowledgement of the clear-thinking, relentless efficiency of Williamson's batting, I'm going to equally efficiently and somewhat shamelessly steal from myself, by updating a Power Rankings Special Edition (PoRSE), where his test centuries are ranked in descending order of brilliance*.
Let the plagiarism begin.
20. 114 v Bangladesh, Chittagong, 2013
There is no such thing as a bad test century but there are such things as unmemorable ones. This one, scored in 210 balls in a bore draw against the Bangladeshis falls into that category.
19. 113 v Zimbabwe, Bulawayo, 2016
Williamson's first test as captain and it came in a convincing win. Just six New Zealanders batted in the first innings of 582-4. This was no contest for someone of Williamson's skills.
18. 113 v West Indies, Kingston, 2014
This was a real grind, taking up 298 balls on a sluggish surface.
17. 113 v India, Auckland, 2013
Overshadowed by Brendon McCullum's 224. It would not be the last time a Williamson century played second fiddle to a teammate's double. It came in a famous test win. (You may also have noticed that Williamson has a real weakness on 113.)
16. 135 v Sri Lanka, Colombo, 2012
Williamson and Ross Taylor came together at 14-2 and Taylor departed at 276. Their partnership, and Tim Southee and Trent Boult's brilliance, secured a shock victory. It was to be Taylor's last act as captain…
15. 104* v Bangladesh, Wellington, 2017
Williamson's breezy 90-ball knock was a masterclass in scoring quickly without undue risk and led New Zealand to the unlikeliest of victories after the Bangers declared their first innings at 595-8.
14. 130 v South Africa, Dunedin, 2017
A quality South African attack and an important series for New Zealand, but the test never rose to great heights because of the Dunedin weather.
13. 200* v Bangladesh, Hamilton, 2019
Just can't justify putting it any higher due to the ease of conditions and the fact Tom Latham and Jeet Raval set the table immaculately and lit the candles.
12. 192 v Pakistan, Sharjah, 2014
This was the game where the players took a day off because of Phil Hughes' death. Pakistan were on top, then collapsed, then McCullum and Williamson blitzed them. It was brilliant, yet somehow pointless, with the players wishing they were somewhere else.
11. 108* v Sri Lanka, Hamilton, 2015
Williamson's most under-rated century. This was a difficult Seddon Park pitch and the target of 189 was no given at 14-2. The No 3 calmed everyone's nerves with a technically brilliant knock.
10. 166 v Australia, Perth, 2015
It wasn't even his best knock in this series. It was typically excellent, but his old mate Taylor was busy at the other end compiling 290 on a flat WACA wicket.
9. 102 v England, Auckland, 2018
It was important, coming in a brilliant victory, it was restrained and it was the first pink-ball century in New Zealand. Well played.
8. 131 v India, Ahmedabad, 2010
Why does a debut century sit down at eight on this list? Because he's scored seven more momentous centuries, that's why.
7. 161* v West Indies, Bridgetown, 2014
New Zealand had won the first test on the back of a Williamson century (see #18) but lazily went down by 10 wickets at Port-of-Spain. They needed to win in Barbados to claim their first series away from home against a top-eight side for 12 years. Williamson's brilliant second innings intervention invited McCullum to declare at stumps on day four and leave the Windies 308 to win. They fell 54 runs short.
6. 132 v England, London, 2014
New Zealand made a pig's ear of this test, somehow losing after scoring 523 on the back of Williamson's pure-class century. It's at Lord's, too, so gains instant gravitas.
5. 102* v South Africa, Wellington, 2012
Williamson's second century was a coming-of-age moment. New Zealand were given no price on batting through the final day to save the match. Williamson stood firm even after copping one in the nuts from Dale Steyn, his cracked protector a treasured memento.
4. 139 v Pakistan, Abu Dhabi, 2018
A ridiculously good century that paved the way to an improbable series victory.
3. 242* v Sri Lanka, Wellington, 2015
New Zealand were in trouble in the second until Williamson and BJ Watling shared a then-world record unbeaten partnership of 365 for the sixth wicket. A remarkable turnaround saw them roll Sri Lanka for 196 to take the test. If the attack was a little bit stronger, this would be top of the tree.
2. 176 v South Africa, Hamilton, 2017
It wasn't a match-winning knock, but with the visitors 80-5 and miles behind going into the final day, it should have been. Rain prevailed but couldn't rinse away the class of Williamson's knock. Even Faf du Plessis described his performance across the series (see #12) as "extraordinary".
1. 140 v Australia, Brisbane, 2015
History suggests visiting teams cannot bat on the Gabba and this was no different really – apart from Williamson, whose impeccable 140 was a beacon. Scored in just 178 balls, this was a sublime example of batsmanship against a world-class bowling attack. Even the Aussie commentators were wowed.
* This was first published a year ago, when Williamson scored his 18th test century, breaking the far more loquacious Martin Crowe's record.
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Last week I wrote that the biggest problem with rugby-playing kids is their parents.
The column received plenty of feedback, but this one caught the eye. A "soccer dad" was quick to note that rugby is far from the only sport where over-bearing parents can make life miserable for others.
The following was an email sent by a dad/coach to the club his daughter represented and whom he coached. It is a horror story. Please be in a safe space when you read this.
(All names and references to the club have been hidden to protect the identity of the kids, some of whom are still playing at the Auckland club. The email has been abridged for length and clarity. It has not been edited for spelling and grammar.)
I was extremely disappointed at what transpired at the tournie today and believe that you need to take a good look at how you managed this situation (name removed). You are supposed to be the girls co-ordinator and I would assume it would be in the clubs best interests to secure the best possible results at any tournie and also to provide a modicum of support for the clubs top team. What a joke. Here is some background. I emailed (name withheld) father on Thursday asking if (name withheld) could play for us. As you are aware we have been struck with a number of chronic injuries. We had 8 girls available (a goalie on crutches). [email lists said chronic injuries.] So here we are in the toughest pool in the tournie. (name withheld) team is in the weakest with only two games and he had a fit squad. (name withheld) and her odd man then turn up. I approached him and advised him we were in the blue tent and suggested he come over – no further sign of them until we see his daughter plying for the second team. NOT A WORD FROM ANYONE. I was disgusted. And, as I say you were fully aware of my invite to her and my expectation and also of the predicament of my team At that stage my girls were feeling the pinch with injuries and recovery from same impacting on energy levels etc. As mentioned you just might think the club would be mostly concerned with supporting the top team – particularly bearing in mind the circumstances. But not at (name of club withheld). A bloody disgrace and you need to shoulder responsibility (name withheld). As it happens we stagger into the final and lose 1 nil after extra time. The girls were shagged and some limping. So the club shoots itself in the foot and we come away empty handed. I wont forget this in a hurry.
The very worst thing about all this? The kids he was talking about were not at secondary school.
They were 11.
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