Paul vowed he would always take care of his mum. Then came the turning point.

This is part of a series of sponsored stories by Newstalk ZB’s Kerre Woodham, exploring life in Metlifecare villages through the eyes of residents – how they came to be there, what shaped their choice of village, and how they’re enjoying life now. Today: Kerre meets Paul and Brenda, whose decision to move into care reshaped not just Brenda’s health, but their mother–son relationship.

Before Paul’s dad died at the age of 92, he entrusted Paul with a special duty.

“Just before he slipped into a coma,” Paul recollects, “his final words to me were look after your mother.” And for five years, Paul did just that.

He was the son every mum dreams of. Brenda moved in with him and he cooked for his mum; he took her shopping, he took her to the hairdressers and as she became more frail, he took care of her health needs too. But then Brenda went into hospital with knee and hip issues and while she was there, she contracted RSV and two types of pneumonia.

It was touch and go, but eventually, Brenda pulled through. However, the six-month battle had taken its toll and it became apparent to everyone that Brenda would require more care than Paul could give her at home. Well, apparent to everyone but Paul.

“I still wanted Mum to come home,” Paul says softly. He was willing to give up his job to keep her at home, but Brenda didn’t want that. “The doctors, the nurses, the occupational therapists – even Mum herself – made the decision that she needed to go to a place with 24-hour care.”

It was tough for Paul to confront the fact that he was no longer enough, on his own, to give his mum the quality of life she deserved.

“Having Mum say she didn’t feel safe at home anymore was pretty hard to hear because you think, I’m your son. I’m here for you, I’ve got you. But she was adamant. She said I know I need 24-hour care and I don’t want you to leave work.’”

It was tough too, navigating the process to move his mum from home care to a care home. There is so much that needs to be navigated and so many boxes that need to be ticked. Because of that, Paul says it’s a good idea for parents and adult children to start thinking about care early, before there’s a crisis.

“Start looking around care homes and see which ones have vacancies. That’s the first step,” Paul explains. “So many of them don’t have spaces.”

Paul and Brenda were lucky that their first choice of care home, Papakura Oaks, had a vacancy. They were lucky too, that Brenda was in hospital when the decision was made for her to go into care, because a needs care assessment is required to move into a care home.

Hospitals have needs care co-ordinators on site, but if you require an assessment within the community, it can be a long wait. You’ll also need to liaise with the Ministry of Social Development (MSD) as there are forms that need to be filled out and probably filled out again and again as part of the process. And all the while you’ll need to stay in touch with your care home of choice so they can let you know when a care suite or room becomes available.

“It’s not an easy process,” Paul says. “But if you have an idea of where you want to go and what you need to do, it will make the move for your parent so much better for them.”

Many older people put off talking about what happens when they can’t cope on their own any longer and it’s understandable. Nobody likes feeling frail; nobody likes feeling vulnerable. But, as Paul says, it’s not the end when you enter a care home.

I can honestly say she’s made an improvement since being here,” he says. “She’s walking a little bit better, she’s more positive, she has more confidence. She’s been able to get her hair done regularly which we weren’t able to do when she was at home because getting her into the car and up to the shops was becoming so difficult. Her health is better because there’s a registered nurse on site at all times and you don’t have to drag your mother away to the doctor or up to the hospital.”

Paul has also seen an evolution in the relationship with his mum.

“It allows you to have a mother/son relationship again. If she needs to go to the bathroom while I’m visiting, she just presses the bell and the staff are there, they’ll help her and I just wait. I don’t need to help her. When I see Mum now, I’m seeing my Mum. We’re having a chat, we’re having a laugh – having Mum being looked after allows for quality mother and son time.”

Seeing Brenda and Paul together, you can see how close they are and what a special bond they have. And you can also see that they have done the right thing for each other by letting each other go. Brenda, by choosing to go into a care home where she can get the specialist care she needs to enjoy life. Paul, by accepting that while he could do it all for his mum, it was better for her that he didn’t. I ask him what he thinks his dad would say to him now and his eyes fill with tears.

“I think he’d say I’ve done the right thing. And that he was proud of me.”

This is Paul’s advice for families who find themselves making the same decisions he had to make for Brenda.

1. Visit care homes in your area & keep in touch on a regular basis.

2. Ask the doctor/or hospital for a needs assessment referral.

3. Contact the Ministry of Social Development (MSD) to fill out the paperwork.