Equipped with an Apple Watch and a coathanger, the fugitive hacker Lambshank has probed parliamentary servers and published a trove of top secret internal documents authored by senior politicians. Edited excerpts follow.
Winston Peters: speechnotes.doc
Honk! Honk! That's right. Honk! Here comes the big blue bus. The Whangarei express. The Winniebago. Criss-crossing the great and betrayed Northland backwater, eyeballing foreign drivers and accelerating towards obstructive journalists who have the bare-faced gall to ask the Right Honourable leader of the New Zealand First Party ridiculous and impertinent questions that are not "How do you do, Mr Peters?" With the greatest respect, dimwit, get on board or get out of my way.
There's no backroom in this bus, sunshine. That's right. No deals here. But there is a vision, and the vision is this. People with aspirations and hopes for the future need to send a message to this Government.
A Government, that's right, which shows bare-faced contempt for the people of Northland by conjuring up every smokescreen imaginable to distract from the flight of the Winniebago. You know it. The timing of this infant formula poisoning story stinks. The people of New Zealand will not have the wool pulled over their eyes. And don't try and tell me that John Key did not know about the Mike Sabin allegations when he made a man called Bridges transport minister. He knew, all right. He knew he'd be donkey deep in troubled water.
Do you seriously think this Titirangi tree murder is some kind of coincidence? Is it any wonder that the charismatic broadcaster Jeremy Clarkson is suddenly in the headlines? Think about it for a minute. I'll tell you what this is. This is a disgraceful - disgraceful - attempt to divert the people of Northland from their aspirations and hopes and messages and buses.
Andrew Little: windinthewillow.txt
Let me be very clear. There are no deals. But there is a vision, and the vision is this. People with aspirations and hopes for the future need to send a message to this Government.
Let me be very clear. People will VOTE. WINSTON is standing. These are facts. Just as we oppose the felling of the Titirangi kauri so we oppose the felling of Willow-Jane Prime. Labour is unambiguously pro-tree. The only thing we're cutting down is the crap. Willow-Jane is a woman for the future. She will be little minister Prime, and I'll be Prime Minister Little. But plenty of time for that. And this is why I urge Northland to vote for a candidate beginning with Wi.
Let me be very clear. What the voters of Northland choose to do is up to them. People with aspirations and hopes for the future who wish to send a message to the Government may choose to VOTE WINSTON. Or they may choose to vote Willow-Jane, and if they do that we are not going to literally wrestle them to the ground and shout in their ear, "What the hell are you doing?"
For further information, see the attached pamphlet: Voices Of The Electorate Will Inspire Novel Steps Towards Optimising Northland.
Steven Joyce: StratBrief.doc
Put it this way. In Northland, we used to be Sabin. Now we're Spendin. We're building bridges. Big bridges, small bridges, Simon Bridges, Jeff Bridges. Bridges across the province, spread out like arcs of delicious crackling on a roasting tray. If polling doesn't lift, we may even announce an innovative electronic toll system, with constituents' accounts credited every time they cross. Oink.
Meanwhile, the cogs of government keep turning. Following revelations of threats to contaminate the milk powder supply, the official response has been excellent: proportionate, calm and measured or, as the Prime Minister put it, "Aargh! Eco-terrorism!"
There is absolutely no room for complacency, however. Recent polling suggests the PM's credibility is under severe strain. Not the spying ballyhoo, obviously, but the footage showing him trying to hammer a nail into a bit of timber like some cack-handed sook. It has gone viral on the social media internet, including in several important export markets, and key trading partners have been alerted. I'm sorely tempted to have him take a manly chainsaw to that bloody kauri, but with all due respect he'd probably cut off his own foot.
Metiria Turei: members.rtf
Several representations have been respectfully received urging the Green Party to add a third category of leader. The proposal will therefore be put to the membership that as well as a male and female we add a native tree co-leader. Kia ora.
David Seymour: DealmakerD.html
I have knocked on every door in my Epsom electorate preparing constituents to instruct their domestic staff in Northland to vote for the National chap, whatever his name is. I have also phoned the loyal Act supporters who reside in Northland to seek their support. Unfortunately, neither was home.
David Cunliffe: tree-man.doc
Comrades! Once more unto the kauri! For I am kauri and kauri is me. Je suis un tree. Not literally. I am not in fact a tree, and for that I am sorry. But I shall climb that mighty kauri, whanau, and I shall find me a Davidian branch, and I shall not rest until about 6/6.30, whereupon I shall climb to the top of the New Lynn cloud sculpture, and strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. All welcome.
John Key: Talkingpoints.docx
Is the tree really 500 years old? Is it even actually a tree? How can we be sure it wasn't cut down long ago? Perhaps it is a large, tree-shaped fish, or a vertical bridge, or Kim Dotcom and Nicky Hager erotically entwined in a plot against the people of Northland.
Everyone is getting very excited about the "tree", but no one really understands what it is. The tree, if there is even a tree at all, is a mystery. And I'm not about to start critiquing it.