You can change your partner - but beware

Nickola Overall

If you want to change something about your partner, it's better to be direct about it - but beware, your relationship may suffer.

That's the conclusion from new research by Auckland University psychologist Nickola Overall.

In three studies, she has found that between 94 per cent and 98 per cent of people want to change at least something in their partners. The tiny minority who think their partners are perfect are mostly in the rapturous early stages of their relationships.

Those who succeed in changing their partner's behaviour improve their relationships.

But the average success rate is dismal. Asked to rate their success in changing their partner's behaviour on a scale from 1 (failure) to 7 (success), people rated their average success rate at around 2.5.

And those who discussed the issues they had with their partners directly were more successful than those who tried the "softly, softly" approach along the lines of, "I really appreciate all the housework you've been trying to do. You have been a real help, but perhaps you could think about maybe also ... "

"If you want to bring about change, often it's better to be direct," Dr Overall says.

Her research is based on interviewing people about how much they try to change things in their partners, filming them in a five- or 10-minute conversation where they try to change each other, and following up with phone interviews over the subsequent year to see whether their strategies worked.

She asked people to rate the importance of three dimensions in the ideal relationship, and then to rate their partners on the following qualities:

* Warmth/trustworthiness: understanding, supportive, kind, good listener, sensitive, considerate.

* Attractiveness/vitality: sexy, nice body, attractive appearance, good lover, outgoing, adventurous.

* Status/resources: successful, nice house, financially secure, dresses well, good job.

Predictably, men were slightly more likely to say that attractiveness and vitality were important in the ideal partner, and women were slightly more likely to say that status and resources were important.

But both sexes rated warmth and trustworthiness as more important than either of the other two qualities.

Both sexes gave their partners high marks, averaging between 5 and 6 out of 7 on all three dimensions. Both rated the quality of their relationship even higher, at just over 6 out of 7 - 6.17 for women and 6.02 for men.

But they still wanted to change some things.

"They want their partners to be better listeners, to spend more time with their partners, to be more motivated to get a better job, to lose weight, to be healthier, to be more outgoing," Dr Overall says.

Once again, men were most likely to want to change the way their partners looked, while women were most likely to want to improve their partners' earnings and status.

Although both sexes were equally likely to want changes, women often felt more strongly about it.

"Women have more invested in their relationship. They think about their relationship a lot more," Dr Overall says.

She asked each person to list the things they wanted to change in their partner and the things they wanted to change in themselves. She picked one thing from each person's list which they strongly wanted to change in the partner, but which the partner did not want to change, and then filmed them while they talked about those issues.

"You get people who are quite negative and get angry about their partner and are autocratic. They demand that their partner change," she says. "Other people are much more positive. Or they avoid the issue entirely and hardly talk about it at all - that is typical of male withdrawal in these kinds of conflict interactions."

From the followup phone calls, she found that those who got angry often actually succeeded in changing their partner's behaviour - but at the cost of hurting the relationship in the short term, and sometimes permanently.