Wyn Drabble is finally having his hip replaced. Photo / File
OPINION
Hip hooray! On the very day that you read this, I will be a patient etherised upon a table having a bad hip replaced with a shiny new one.
I say shiny because one of the components will probably be titanium (or cobalt-chrome) which will I expect, be working in tandem with ceramic and plastic elements.
I’m hoping for titanium because I feel you can’t go wrong with it as it’s a safe, neutral colour that goes with anything.
Naturally enough I did a little background reading about the procedure in order to be better informed before my orthopaedic surgery.
What I found was an abundance of medical euphemisms. Orthopaedic surgeons are obviously trained in not calling a spade a spade. The first example is that you will “receive anesthesia”; they don’t say “jab a harpoon into your blubber to knock you out”.
When you are out to it, the surgeon will “make an incision over the hip”. This is, of course, to gain access to the affected area but they do not mention the tool or weapon that will be employed and all information I found eschews the phrase “cut you open”.
Next the surgeon will “remove the diseased bone tissue and cartilage from the hip joint”. In all the sources I read, no mention was made of the tools used to perform this removal so all I could do was imagine them.
If I may call a spade a spade, a saw was the primary tool I imagined. More specifically a hacksaw.
But my research unearthed that they probably use what is known as a Gigli Saw Set which consists of two handles and a wire which is twisted to create multiple cutting surfaces. The saw offers “a valuable and durable addition to any hospital or clinic”.
For your convenience, you can purchase these online through Amazon. From the same source you can also buy hoof trimmers for goats (US$10.99 plus shipping).
With the damaged bone removed, the surgeon will now “replace the ball [head of the femur] and the surface of the socket (acetabulum) with new artificial parts”. Detail is not given on how these are affixed and I could find no mention of glue or screws.
When the job is done the surgeon will “apply sutures” or, in lay terms, “sew you up”. I read that sometimes, depending on the nature of the wound, metal staples are used but the less said about that the better.
You are then wheeled into a recovery room where you will wake up (albeit drowsily) to be met by the welcome sight of a cup of tea and some neatly trimmed egg sandwiches, officially referred to as “light refreshments”.
With luck you will be “highly medicated” (“full of drugs”) to ease the pain but the best ones are not available as takeaways so you need to make the most of them while you can.
At home there will be a period of what the health authorities call “recuperation” but in lay terms it is called “not being able to do anything”. This will of course pass and you will be a new person. You can return your elbow crutch to the authorities and sign up for at least a half-marathon and some dance classes.
In the near future you might celebrate your new hip by taking a much-needed overseas holiday. You’ve probably earned it.
At the airport you will face another hurdle, known euphemistically as “activating the metal detector” but the truth is closer to a sonorous “DING DONG DING DONG ALERT ALERT GUILTY GUILTY BEEP BEEP”, audible for at least one square kilometre and capable of causing widespread panic and mayhem throughout the terminal building.
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.