White Ribbon Day: Northland man who put his fists down shares how others can too

Former Black Power president Phil Paikea is sharing how he "flipped the script" on his violent path. Photo / Michael Craig

“I was a victim and I became a perpetrator,” former Black Power president Phil Paikea says.

The Ruakākā-based SafeMan SafeFamily lead facilitator learned quickly as a young boy to suppress his tears.

“A lot of my friends got the bash with a jandal or a wooden spoon. I wish that was us,” he said.

“We got the bash with the hoover’s metal hose or the kettle cord that would leave marks, and if we showed emotion or we’d cry, Dad would say, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’.”

Because Paikea didn’t want to be hit anymore, he “crushed” that emotion and learned to “cry on the inside” instead.

“What that did was make us totally void of empathy for others,” he said.

And thus began violence led by Paikea’s own fists.

Phil Paikea, champion for the It's Not OK campaign, at White Ribbon Day in 2020 with then-Northland police family violence co-ordinator, Senior Sergeant Marie Nordstrom. Photo / NZME

“I didn’t know anything, I only knew what I knew.”

He is speaking out as a changed man ahead of White Ribbon Day on Friday, November 25. This year’s campaign centres on promoting healthy masculinity and challenging stereotypical gender roles.

White Ribbon says research showed the expectations of men to always appear dominant, tough, and in charge contributed to the underlying causes of family violence.

Police carry out roughly 30 family harm investigations a day in Northland, with experts describing reported incidents as merely the tip of the iceberg.

“Believing in the rigid rules of masculinity is 20 times more likely to predict committing violence than any other demographic features,” White Ribbon manager Rob McCann said.

“Those are astonishing, awful numbers, and it’s why we need to ensure the next generation are not indoctrinated into that unhealthy way of thinking.”

Paikea said he only learned what toxic masculinity was after committing to change.

“I looked it up and thought, ‘Woah, that describes me’.”

Boys don’t cry. Tick. Boys don’t do women’s work. Tick. Boys play with trucks, not dolls. Tick. Boys don’t show weakness. Tick.

Dr David Codyre, a psychiatrist and a SafeMan SafeFamily trustee, said these social contexts were one of two levels feeding family violence and unhealthy male and female relationships.

SafeMan SafeFamily trustee and psychiatrist Dr David Codyre. Photo / Supplied

Modern media, film, music, and social media partly contributed to unhealthy attitudes toward women, he said.

“But I also think the other dimension to it is that - particularly in our early lives - our attitudes, beliefs, and how we grow up are very much shaped by the kind of environment we grow up in.”

Codyre said SafeMan SafeFamily founder and trustee Vic Tamati summed it up best.

“[...] he said, ‘If you only ever know what you’ve ever known, then you always do what you’ve always done, and then you’ll get what you’ve always got’.”

If all you’ve grown up knowing is violence, that becomes your norm, Codyre said.

But Paikea was able to “flip the script”. He saved his marriage of 44 years to wife Rowena and became a role model to his son and six daughters.

“I’m that man that can get emotional, and now I can openly weep,” he said.

Paikea’s change was driven by the love his wife’s family had for her and the hate harboured in him because of the abuse.

“I’m thankful that my wife showed a glimmer of hope for me, because she knew it was the behaviour and didn’t have to be the man.”

Paikea said the male role-modelling he received around what it means to be a man is what many boys are still exposed to.

But fathers were also a “missing link”.

Paikea and his wife have fostered more than 230 kids via Oranga Tamariki in the past 20 years.

All boys, he said, and a lot from single parent homes where the mother has to take on both roles.

Paikea now works to help other men live violence-free. He focuses on three things - knowledge, comprehension, and wisdom.

“You could have all the knowledge of family violence, but unless you apply wisdom - the application of knowledge and understanding - then changing what you’ve learned will never happen.”

Keeping families connected played an important role in keeping out violence, Paikea said.

Codyre said people with lived experience of family violence were doing a lot of work that went beyond 12-week court-ordered programmes to generate change.

“You can’t, in 12 weeks, change a lifetime’s conditioning,” he said.

“They’re working to support them to actually show there’s a better way to be, and to understand why I am the way I am.”

If you’re experiencing family harm:

• If it is an emergency and the situation requires immediate assistance, phone 111.
• NZ WOMEN’S REFUGE (0800 733 843): Provides information, support and advice for women experiencing family violence, as well as help in a crisis.
• HEY BRO (0800 439 276) - 24-hour, seven-day support line for men who feel they’re going to harm a whānau member or loved one.
• SHINE (0508 744 633) - Offers helpline, advocacy, refuges, Kidshine and safety programmes.
• LIFELINE (0800 543 354) - 24-hour, seven-day confidential support by qualified counsellors and trained volunteers.
• YOUTHLINE (0800 376 633) - Provides mental health-related counselling, mentoring and advice for young people.
• SAFEMAN SAFEFAMILY - 0800 SAFEHELP